Monday, April 19, 2010
Had a very busy at work today and to be honest had a hard time staying positive. Dreamed about Troy again last night. Seems to be happening quite frequently these days. Its good and bad. Good because in my dream it feels so real. I love being with him, but then I have to wake up. The smack of reality hits and he isn't here. The last couple weeks I have had a harder time keeping my eyes focused upward. I miss him more than words can describe. As the days and weeks and now months have passed that hole seems to be growing bigger. I miss him more today than I did yesterday and yesterday more than the day before that and on and on. You get the picture. I feel more alone now. Don't get me wrong have a great support system. Amazing friends and family, but no one can take the place of Troy. No one knows exactly what I'm feeling or what every day is like with out him. Lonely. I also miss having my husband. Being married I knew Troy always loved me. Even with our ups and downs he always told me he loved me. I always felt beautiful with him. He made sure I knew that when I said "ugh feeling fat or blah" I had lost my mind because he thought I was gorgeous. I miss feeling that security having my husband gave. Now there isn't that person to tell me I love you or you look pretty today. Again lonely. I came home today and went into the spare bedroom where his stuff is. I got his bike jacket that he wore every day the last being the day of the accident and just put my face in it to smell the leather. I wanted to so badly to remember how it felt when he came home wearing that. I just sat there and sobbed. Usually when I cry I talk to him or pray, but not today. Just sobbed holding on to his jacket. Then sat up and wrapped the arms of the jacket around me as if somehow it would feel like he was holding me. I am so looking forward to the day when my sorrow is gone and my tears are wiped away. I have a hard time with thoughts of being here. Please don't get me wrong not suicidal. Just thoughts of "Lord, how much longer till it's my time to come home?" or "when are you coming back?" I had read a while back this passage, but was reminded Sunday of the story of the demon possessed man. Jesus came and cast out the demons and he was in his right mind sitting with Jesus learning from Him. The time came for Jesus to continue on and the man begged to continue following and learning. Jesus response was "Return to your home, and declare how much God has done for you." I very much needed this reminder. God has given me this amazing opportunity to share how much He has done for me. One day He will wipe away my tears and oh how I long to hear from Him "well done thou good and faithful servant." That however, is not today. Today, I'm to tell of His amazing love and sufficient grace. Which is exactly how my night is ending. My tears from earlier are dried. The pain is still there, but the peace that passeth all understanding has been given and for that I praise my heavenly Father. Once again, I'm experiencing His grace in my weakness. I love my Savior so! Now off to read some more and spend time talking to the One who truly does understand each and every emotion I'm feeling these days....
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Spent some time at the cemetery today. Not exactly how I pictured my future. I dreamed about Troy last night. I knew in my dream that I was dreaming so I was savoring every moment. Every kiss meant so much and holding his hand was wonderful. I couldn't get enough of him. I wanted every second to be next to him. I had so much I wanted to talk about with him. Everything was perfect. Needless to say I didn't want to wake up, but I did. Reality hit and I started crying. Yes, not the most enjoyable way to wake up. So this afternoon went to the cemetery to talk to him. I know he is not there, but for me it's the closest I can get to him. It brings a little bit of comfort. We had a nice one-sided conversation;) Oh, for the day when I will be able to hear his voice again. Can't wait!!! Today, however; is not that day. So once again, I must open my truth box and re-direct my thoughts towards my Savior. I'm learning a lot about life being a marathon not a sprint. Its a difficult thought knowing that when it comes to Troy I will always be sad knowing I can't talk to him and that he is gone. Overwhelming! The crying seems to be happening a bit more these days. Not for long, but somehow almost every day I cry about something to do with him. I'm so thankful I know truth. I can't imagine how much more difficult this would be without it. I also feel a little bit guilty. Let me attempt to explain that. I know logically it makes no sense, but I feel like maybe I shouldn't still be crying. It has been six months. I feel bad bringing up my sadness about him. Like people are sick of me talking about it. I don't want to make people feel bad, but sometimes need to express what I'm thinking or feeling. Afterwards, I think maybe they are tired of hearing it. I don't want to sound like a broken record. I know other people are going through things in life. My loss is not greater or more important than others. This might not make a lot of sense, but something I'm struggling with in this thing we call grieving. On a brighter note, I'm going to Uganda in less than a month. I'm very excited about this trip. Scared out of my mind, but excited. Its a medical mission trip and I can't wait to see what the Lord has planned for me and those we will be ministering to. It is amazing to look back on the last six months and see how far God has brought me. His love and grace blows my mind. If you had told me six months ago that I would be going to Uganda or even tell me that I would be living surrendered to God with such joy and peace, I would stare at you with a look of "you have lost your mind that could NEVER happen for/to me." God does work miracles. Walking example right here:)
Thursday, April 8, 2010
A lot in my life has changed over the last six months. That's pretty obvious. One of them being my random thinking. My couch buddies get to hear most of the off the wall things I come up with, but thought I would share some of them on here. I've been thinking about death a lot. Yes, I know that would seem logical sense my life was turned upside down by it, but lately its been a bit different. I was watching tv the other day. The thought this girl in this random commercial will die one day. What will this moment of fame even mean? Nothing. Everyone is going to die. Do you ever really think about that? Not morbidly, but the thought we are going to die. Every person we talk to or see will die. Why doesn't our world think about this thought more? Why don't people question more? If I was thinking the way I am right now and didn't have the answer to eternity, I would want be terrified. Why aren't people thinking about it? Its the only certain thing about this life. Why don't I share the gospel more? It's such a convicting thought. So then I go from thinking that yes I'm going to die to that moment. That moment when I open my eyes for the first time in heaven. What will it be like? What will I see? How will I feel? Will I be scared, ecstatic, shocked? The thought just blows my mind. Then the thought of forever well can't wrap my head around it. I feel like six months has been forever. This is a vapor. What will it be like to see God face to face? God who is so big. He created our earth which is so tiny in this galaxy. It makes my head hurt to think of how big He is. I will come face to face with Him. I will see Jesus face to face. Will I fall on my face in worship? Will I give Him a huge hug? Will I slowly walk around in wonder or will I be running with overwheleming joy? Next thoughts go to... What is Troy doing right now? Who is he talking to? He died so young. The majority of his friends and family are still here. Does he miss us? Does he see us? How long does it feel like to him? What is he learning right now? What is he looking at right now? So these are just a few of my many random thoughts. Hope I didn't terrify anyone too much;)
Sunday, April 4, 2010
I survived the six month anniversary. It was a...well... a good day despite the bad reason we were having it. Mom and I went to the spa in the morning and that was a wonderful time of relaxation. I believe that Troy wanted me to do that;) Then afterwards I went to the rock garden where Troy proposed. It was the first time I've been back since that day. I know it was a little bit dramatic, but I figured it was the best place to take off my rings. So I stood in the middle of the bridge where he had proposed. I was crying and talking quietly to him. I know the people passing by were whispering to their children "don't talk to that crazy lady over there; keep walking" ;) I expected to be sad, but I didn't expect to feel like I was betraying him. I sat there crying telling him "I'm so sorry." "I didn't want to move on, but I needed to." (A little side note: moving on is what you say after a bad break up. Not when you lose someone. Doesn't really feel right saying that now, but there doesn't seem to be another phrase that works. So guess that is the best thing to describe the steps I'm taking these days.) "I love him and would never forget him, but I needed to do this." If I had any hope of him coming back. Any chance that he was not gone, I would wait. But I was there when he died. I held his lifeless hand. I laid on his chest and listened as there was no heartbeat. I kissed his cold lips. I know he is not coming back. So betrayal was the emotion flooding through me that day. It has been a strange feeling not wearing them. I don't like it, but again God's grace is sufficient. That night our friends and family went to the cemetery and had a time of testimony and worship. It was a beautiful thing to see how much every one's life has been changed by Troy's death. Six months. Some days seem like a lifetime. Then other days, it seems so much in my life has changed dramatically in a short period. I could stand at husband's gravestone and honestly express such thankfulness in the power of our Savior. His grace IS sufficient. His love IS overwhelming. His arms ARE upholding me. He IS all that I need.