I survived my trip away. Brogan did fine and so did mommy ;). As I have often seen, God has a sense of humor. I spent weeks worrying about being gone for so many days: six long ones!!! We fly to Boston and what is predicted for the weekend…A Blizzard! So instead of six days our trip was cut short to three days. We had to fly out early so Adam could make sure he was back for work on Monday. Instead of being thrilled to be home early, I was disappointed that we didn't have our full vacation away just the two of us. The discontent of my heart rears its ugly head. Isn't it funny that no matter what happens we can easily find a way to be dissatisfied. I am thankful for our time away, and laugh with God that He answered my prayer of being home with my little one safely it was just a little earlier than I expected.
The weeks leading up to the trip were so good for me. I talked last time about my fears and anxiety about leaving. I shared my frustration of having this constant battle without seeing any victory. The Lord has graciously shown me victory and some insight into this struggle of mine. So here are some updated thoughts….
I have seen my anxiety increase with the birth of Brogan and then even more with this pregnancy. I have often read, heard, or even thought this is a normal part of motherhood. Mothers worry! We have a tender heart for our children and want the best for them. We know we can't control everything. So in creeps doubts and fears of all the "what if" possibilities. This is normal right? I'm a good mother if I'm thinking ahead or let's be honest worrying about the future, right? Well, maybe not. I think Scripture calls me out and rebukes me with a big, fat "NO". No, it isn't right that I worry or fear or be anxious. The Bible pretty clearly calls this sin. Yikes! I have seen this pattern of thinking over the last year and the sin that it is, but until I started reading that book I wasn't seeing victory. It was just a constant battle. I have seen over the last couple weeks much progress in this area. God's grace!!! He has reminded me of truth. Not just thinking truth, but applying it. Here are somethings that God has been laying on my heart in this area….
I know the answer to conquering sin: put off, renew, put on. Okay step one: "put off". I have done a decent job of that: stop thinking lies (the "what if" scenarios). However; the other two steps I was not doing such a good job. "Renewing my mind" was not a priority. I was in God's Word daily, but I was not spending time renewing/dwelling/applying the truths I was reading. God in His wisdom knew I needed a little push to see my sin. He gave me a trip to Boston. A trip where I couldn't control every detail. Isn't that what worry is often about? Our ability to control. We like to be independent. We like to think we have life just as we want it and we do not need any help. We control our destiny. Right? Wrong! The truth is even when we think we are in control, let's be honest, we really are not. This idea of control is not at all how God has life planned for the believer. So God gave me a trip to remind me that I need Him and His truths are enough for me. I begin to realize the importance of what I was putting into my mind. This meant also being very careful to not put certain things in my mind. I have come to realize t.v. shows, the news, even (gasp) social media will affect my thinking. I know I am not called to give up everything in the world and live a hermit's existence, but His Word clearly teaches what goes into my mind will come out. So I have been diligent in avoiding things that will cause me to be unnecessarily anxious. For instance: after Troy died I joked about only watching Law and Order because there was no romance. True, there was no romance, but there is a lot of death. That constant diet of death was not healthy in my thinking truth. Instead it was causing me to fear death and all the "what if" scenarios I had seen on t.v. were now playing out in my mind. I have had to "put off" several things that were not helpful in my thinking. I have begun to evaluate carefully what I am putting into my mind by Philippians 4:8….is it just, is it pure, is it lovely, is it commendable, is there any excellence? If so, then Paul says, "Think about these things." The second thing the Lord is teaching me is being diligent in "putting on" the things that I am learning in the "renewing" my mind step. I have a box filled with passages of Scripture on note cards. I call this my truth box, but I haven't used it since I got married. It is just not practical for me today. I knew I needed a new way of focusing on truths. So I have a Bible that had never been written in. It has become my truth box. I have highlighters that go with this Bible. When I read, I highlight truths: Blue-truths about God, Green-commands, and Pink-promises. I now have a practical truth box that works for me. I have spend much time in His Word these past weeks being reminded of who He is and what He promises. It has been so refreshing! I see my love for His Word re-awakened. I have seen the fears diminishing as I trust these promises and trust the One who made them. Not perfect, but by His grace seeing victory.
So trip is over and that impending doom feeling I was experiencing is gone, but my lessons of dependence have not ended. The Lord taught me something so beautiful this morning….I have often thought of the accident as an experience that will forever change my thinking about life. I thought it was a bit of a curse that I would always go to worst case scenarios in my mind because I knew those things could happen. In so many ways, I have seen God's hand at work and am so thankful for all He did through losing Troy. I just thought this was part of my new normal. To be honest, I was a little jealous of people who didn't struggle with this type of thinking. For instance, Adam does not think like this. I have often wished I could be like him: a little more optimistic! Today, God gave me a new vision of this thinking. It is not a curse. It is a blessing. What??? Let me explain….I'm reading through Deuteronomy right now. God is constantly telling the Israelites to not forget Him and His commands when they come into the land. He is reminding them when life is comfortable do not forget Who brought you here. Do not become independent. Remember who I am and what I have done….They did not and we can see the consequences as we read through the rest of the Old Testament. Losing Troy is a reminder to be dependent on God. It is my thorn. God is not going to remove because it keeps me dependent on His sufficient grace. It does NOT mean I have the right to worry or be pessimistic, but instead it reminds me to turn to the One who will give me strength to think, believe, and rest in truth. I know I can easily become independent in my way of living. So the accident is way of God keeping me constantly dependent on Him.
I am learning to be diligent in spending time with my God and believing His Word. I see promise after promise that I can rest in and that IS peaceful! Through the loss of Troy, He is ever reminding me of my need to be dependent on Him and that IS for my good!
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Is God enough for me?
Five and half years since the accident. Time goes quickly. I look back over those years and rejoice in God's working in my life. I have learned so much about Him in those years. I have seen His blessings in giving and taking away. I have had the amazing privilege to be under sound teaching at school, churches, camps, and conferences. These wonderful opportunities grew my knowledge of God. This knowledge God used to change many aspects of my daily living. I say all this to sum up how I have viewed at least the last six months of my life Christian living: lots of head knowledge. Let's see if I can explain it out a bit more…
I have grown. I can look back and see radical differences in my life since September 30, 2009. I see ups and downs, but always an upward move to becoming more like Christ. However; the last six months have been a struggle for me in my walk. I know the right things to say and even do. It is not that I haven't been growing or feel that I am in a valley. It hasn't been that drastic. Instead it has been this slow movement towards doubtful thinking. After Brogan was born, new sets of fear set in. The "what if" thinking reared its ugly head again. I knew how to battle it though this time: Think Truth. I applied this lesson of thinking truth often over the next year. I didn't feel victorious though just settled with the idea that I was going to struggle with fear/anxiety. I thought it would be a constant battle in my mind to keep dispelling the untruths with truths about God. This struggle has been going on for some time, but it was not overwhelming just a bit discouraging at times. It wasn't always even there. The fear would often come and go depending on the circumstances of life. I mostly chalked it up to: I have walked through tragedy and so now I will always go to worst case scenarios. At times even thinking, this is part of the scaring/discipline of God in taking Troy home. Please don't misunderstand, I was not hopeless. I was resigned and rejoicing in other areas where I saw God growing me. Fast forward to these last couple of weeks…
My fear has reared its ugly head a bit more often and more frequently. Adam and I are going out of town for the first time without Brogan. My "what if" scenarios have become a broken record in my head. "What if something happens to us?" "What if something happens to him when I am across the country?" Then daily fears will creep into these thoughts. "What if something happens to this pregnancy?" "What if we can't sell the house?" "What if my parenting isn't good enough?" "What if something happens to me and I can't raise Brogan the way I want?" "What if something happens to Brogan while he is sleeping in his crib?" "What if, Adam is late because he was in accident?" Okay, you get the point of my irrational "what if" thinking pattern. I know these are not truths and I have to take them captive. I would pray and ask God for help in not thinking this way and then ask that He make sure none of these happened. I would quote truths I knew "He will never leave me or His grace is sufficient." I would do my best to forget the thinking and move on. This is not hopeful! I wanted victory not just a resigned attitude to a constant battle.
I started reading a book with a couple of other ladies these past couple of weeks. It was one I have read before, but it has been a while. The content was not new information, but it hit me hard because it was information I knew and was not applying. I have had two problems these last six months. Number one problem: I have knowledge with no application. I knew truths about God and His ways, but I was not believing them. I had very much come to a place where my view of God was based on my past or current circumstances instead of what Scripture said. I didn't believe God was always going to do good. I was waiting for another loss or trial and I thought that was not a good God. I didn't believe He would never leave me. I thought whatever the future held was terrifying because I couldn't control it. I didn't believe He would be there every step of the way. I knew truths many of them, but I was NOT believing them. My fear had grown from just "what if" possibilities to a fear of God and His plans for my life. I was seeing Him through my circumstantial lens instead of through Scripture. Number two problem: I would do better than God with my life. I was fearful of His plans and complete submission to Him seemed impossible. I was living not totally surrendered to Him. My pastor recently made comment about Abraham and Isaac. He was discussing how Abraham was able to come to point of being willing to sacrifice his only son. He said Abraham had rock-solid faith in God. I knew at that moment I did not!
The book has hit me hard in my lack of faith and submission. Until today, I couldn't see all my sin clearly laid out. God in His wonderful mercy has laid out my failures and lack of faith. He has shown me my areas of unbelief. It is not a fun place to be to see all the filth that is so easily in my heart. How much that grows when a small sin (thinking "what if" scenarios) is not confessed and forsaken immediately. I have been growing that unbelief sin for a long time. I didn't see my need to submit all things always to Him. I grew in my thinking that "I knew better" and pride took hold of my heart. The fruit of fear and anxiety have just become more apparent in the last month as new circumstance bring out my wicked heart. So here is my confession: My true fears stem from my pride which is a lack of faith in who God is and what He is doing. As God has brought me to submission to Him in all things of my life, I know His peace. He gives peace not found in this world or Adam or Brogan or financial security. He gives true peace….God is still working. I have much knowledge I must move from my head to my heart. I must believe what is true about God and not what I feel. God is working this in my life as I spend more time with Him. Not just my checklist time, but truly renewing my mind in His truths. I desire to say and truly mean like Paul, "I have learned that whatever state I am in to be content." Paul had constant peace and did not worry because He knew His God. This is my prayer to know my God intimately not just on the surface or rest in previous knowledge, but to KNOW Him. I want to "know God well enough to be satisfied that He Himself is enough for me."
So here is an update on my journey in life. It is no longer my journey in widowhood. No, God has changed that, but I am still on a journey towards learning His sufficient grace in all things. I end these thoughts, thanking God He hasn't stopped working on me and revealing areas where I fall so short of His calling. I thank Him for the hope I find only in His Word. I thank Him for using that Word to change me more into the image of His Son. I still have much growth, but so thankful He is giving me grace to learn to say daily, "He is more than enough!"
I have grown. I can look back and see radical differences in my life since September 30, 2009. I see ups and downs, but always an upward move to becoming more like Christ. However; the last six months have been a struggle for me in my walk. I know the right things to say and even do. It is not that I haven't been growing or feel that I am in a valley. It hasn't been that drastic. Instead it has been this slow movement towards doubtful thinking. After Brogan was born, new sets of fear set in. The "what if" thinking reared its ugly head again. I knew how to battle it though this time: Think Truth. I applied this lesson of thinking truth often over the next year. I didn't feel victorious though just settled with the idea that I was going to struggle with fear/anxiety. I thought it would be a constant battle in my mind to keep dispelling the untruths with truths about God. This struggle has been going on for some time, but it was not overwhelming just a bit discouraging at times. It wasn't always even there. The fear would often come and go depending on the circumstances of life. I mostly chalked it up to: I have walked through tragedy and so now I will always go to worst case scenarios. At times even thinking, this is part of the scaring/discipline of God in taking Troy home. Please don't misunderstand, I was not hopeless. I was resigned and rejoicing in other areas where I saw God growing me. Fast forward to these last couple of weeks…
My fear has reared its ugly head a bit more often and more frequently. Adam and I are going out of town for the first time without Brogan. My "what if" scenarios have become a broken record in my head. "What if something happens to us?" "What if something happens to him when I am across the country?" Then daily fears will creep into these thoughts. "What if something happens to this pregnancy?" "What if we can't sell the house?" "What if my parenting isn't good enough?" "What if something happens to me and I can't raise Brogan the way I want?" "What if something happens to Brogan while he is sleeping in his crib?" "What if, Adam is late because he was in accident?" Okay, you get the point of my irrational "what if" thinking pattern. I know these are not truths and I have to take them captive. I would pray and ask God for help in not thinking this way and then ask that He make sure none of these happened. I would quote truths I knew "He will never leave me or His grace is sufficient." I would do my best to forget the thinking and move on. This is not hopeful! I wanted victory not just a resigned attitude to a constant battle.
I started reading a book with a couple of other ladies these past couple of weeks. It was one I have read before, but it has been a while. The content was not new information, but it hit me hard because it was information I knew and was not applying. I have had two problems these last six months. Number one problem: I have knowledge with no application. I knew truths about God and His ways, but I was not believing them. I had very much come to a place where my view of God was based on my past or current circumstances instead of what Scripture said. I didn't believe God was always going to do good. I was waiting for another loss or trial and I thought that was not a good God. I didn't believe He would never leave me. I thought whatever the future held was terrifying because I couldn't control it. I didn't believe He would be there every step of the way. I knew truths many of them, but I was NOT believing them. My fear had grown from just "what if" possibilities to a fear of God and His plans for my life. I was seeing Him through my circumstantial lens instead of through Scripture. Number two problem: I would do better than God with my life. I was fearful of His plans and complete submission to Him seemed impossible. I was living not totally surrendered to Him. My pastor recently made comment about Abraham and Isaac. He was discussing how Abraham was able to come to point of being willing to sacrifice his only son. He said Abraham had rock-solid faith in God. I knew at that moment I did not!
The book has hit me hard in my lack of faith and submission. Until today, I couldn't see all my sin clearly laid out. God in His wonderful mercy has laid out my failures and lack of faith. He has shown me my areas of unbelief. It is not a fun place to be to see all the filth that is so easily in my heart. How much that grows when a small sin (thinking "what if" scenarios) is not confessed and forsaken immediately. I have been growing that unbelief sin for a long time. I didn't see my need to submit all things always to Him. I grew in my thinking that "I knew better" and pride took hold of my heart. The fruit of fear and anxiety have just become more apparent in the last month as new circumstance bring out my wicked heart. So here is my confession: My true fears stem from my pride which is a lack of faith in who God is and what He is doing. As God has brought me to submission to Him in all things of my life, I know His peace. He gives peace not found in this world or Adam or Brogan or financial security. He gives true peace….God is still working. I have much knowledge I must move from my head to my heart. I must believe what is true about God and not what I feel. God is working this in my life as I spend more time with Him. Not just my checklist time, but truly renewing my mind in His truths. I desire to say and truly mean like Paul, "I have learned that whatever state I am in to be content." Paul had constant peace and did not worry because He knew His God. This is my prayer to know my God intimately not just on the surface or rest in previous knowledge, but to KNOW Him. I want to "know God well enough to be satisfied that He Himself is enough for me."
So here is an update on my journey in life. It is no longer my journey in widowhood. No, God has changed that, but I am still on a journey towards learning His sufficient grace in all things. I end these thoughts, thanking God He hasn't stopped working on me and revealing areas where I fall so short of His calling. I thank Him for the hope I find only in His Word. I thank Him for using that Word to change me more into the image of His Son. I still have much growth, but so thankful He is giving me grace to learn to say daily, "He is more than enough!"
Sunday, March 2, 2014
The fear of suffering dispelled by surrender to God's grace...
Wow, it has been a long time since I have sat down to write. In many ways, I thought this part of my journey had ended. On June 23, 2012, the Lord graciously heard my prayers and gave me my Adam. Well, I was wrong. Shocking, I know ha! The journey in widowhood has changed, but it has not ended. Let's see if I can explain the lessons God is drilling into my life these days….Fear and anxiety are my enemies and lately constant companions.
In order for my struggles today to make sense, I need to rewind a bit and do a quick recap of some things from the beginning of this journey. Before 2009, I always thought bad things happen to other people. I saw and even attempted to grieve with others who walked that path of loss or tragedy. However; that was for others. I was immune from anything like that happening to me. Why I thought this way? I don't know, but it was my own "blissfully unaware of true loss reality" that I lived in. It worked for me. To be honest, it made perfect sense. I really hadn't had any real loss or tragic thing occur in my life. September 30, 2009 changed that reality. I came face to face with significant loss and it forever changed me. God led me to the valley of the shadow of death and in the valley re-shaped my life. He taught me so many lessons about true joy in loss, patience, trust, who He was, faith, living for eternity, and so many more. Many of the previous entries are about those lessons….God healed my broken heart, but there is a scar that remains. A loss of that significance can never leave a person unchanged. I am thankful God used the loss to make me more like Him….
Fast forward a bit…It has now been five years since that day. Many things have changed. The Lord answered my prayers for a family. I am now re-married and have an almost six month old. I am truly thankful and blessed!!!! Let's see if I can make sense of the lessons that are continuing from my journey that started five years ago. Initially after Troy died, I struggled with fear and levels of anxiety. However; God lovingly guided me into His presence through His word and gave me victory. I spent the next few years struggling with many things, but those were not on the list. When Adam came into the picture, the fear returned a bit. I knew and trusted God's sovereignty. I rested in knowing that nothing could happen outside of His will. However; I knew that He was in control the day Troy died too. So I had to dig deeper into truth more than just God is sovereign. I had to remember other characteristics of God. He is love. He is kind. He will give grace. I also was learning to not live in "what if'ville." I had grace when Troy died that I do not have right now for my married life with Adam. These are the truths I preached often to myself when Adam and I first got married. When we reached fourteen months of marriage (a month longer than my previous marriage), I reflected a lot on how different things were between the two marriages. Troy and I did not have God at the center of our lives. In losing Troy, God shook me to my core and radically changed my life. Today, I can look back and see the beautiful tapestry that God was weaving in that loss. However; I don't have that perspective on all aspects of my life. I can look back and see God working in that loss, but that may not always be the case. Adam and I are by God's grace living a life for Him. We are far from perfect, but God is working and we desire His work in our lives. Here is where lies began to creep in and take root. "I'm living right now so God should not bring suffering or trials into my life." Or another lie that frequently runs through my head, "When is something going to happen because life can not be this good?" I try to fight these lies with truth. However; they are there somewhere in my mind. Fast forward a little more….God answered and gave me a son. I feel truly blessed and now I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. I have now had frequent thoughts since Brogan was born, "When is something bad going to happen?" My idea of God has been shaped by my previous loss, but that doesn't mean it is true. It is my perspective. I have often wondered if people who walk through tragedy struggle with waiting for it to happen again. I know I have….The joy of being happily married and a healthy baby has often been followed by fears of when is it going to end.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ…. Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ….. But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God's people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy…..Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed….Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good."
First thing I am learning is that tragedy or blessing God is always in control. I think this has been one of the hardest lessons for my mind to wrap around. How can I trust God's sovereignty when I know He may bring loss? This is where the next lessons come into play. I am chosen. I have been taken out of darkness and placed into light. What mercy! Here is where I see so clearly His amazing love for me. If the Creator of the universe picked me to shower the blessing of being His, I can not doubt His love in anything He gives to me. I am also being reminded of eternity. These trials are refining me to bring my God glory. In many ways, I can see God's glory displayed through Troy's death. At this moment, I can not see the glory in taking this little one home like I do in Troy's home going. When God brings other trials, I may not be able to see benefit this side of heaven. Does that mean I won't trust that He is working just as He did in Troy's death? God's grace is sufficient as I walk through trials, but it is also His grace in allowing that trial. This is the lesson that God is continually showing me through His word and books. His grace is being given to me daily as part of my growth in Him. It is His grace towards me that saved me. It is His grace toward me that took my husband home after thirteen months of marriage. It is His grace that took our second baby to heaven before I could hold the little one in my arms. Grace is more than God not giving me what I deserve although that is true. Grace is God not giving me what I deserve and giving me exactly what I need to be more like Him. It may be through a trial or through a blessing that God displays His grace. Whatever He gives is gracious. After losing Troy, I would say time and time again "His grace is sufficient." I am now learning His grace is going to bring things into my life to grow me. The bottom line is will I entrust my soul to my Creator for whatever His will deems necessary to make my more like Him? This is where God has brought me once again, "Sarah, will you trust Me to give you exactly what you need in this life to bring Me glory?" For many months, the answer was "not really." Through another loss, God has once again brought me to dependence on Him. I must take captive these lies that doubt God's goodness and place me as knowing better than my infinitely wise Creator. The scars of loss do not give me an excuse to fear or worry about the future. Instead these scars are just that scars. They are wounds that have been healed or being healed by a Father that turns mourning into joy.
I sang these words this morning and it perfectly sums up the surrender that is taking place in my heart:
In order for my struggles today to make sense, I need to rewind a bit and do a quick recap of some things from the beginning of this journey. Before 2009, I always thought bad things happen to other people. I saw and even attempted to grieve with others who walked that path of loss or tragedy. However; that was for others. I was immune from anything like that happening to me. Why I thought this way? I don't know, but it was my own "blissfully unaware of true loss reality" that I lived in. It worked for me. To be honest, it made perfect sense. I really hadn't had any real loss or tragic thing occur in my life. September 30, 2009 changed that reality. I came face to face with significant loss and it forever changed me. God led me to the valley of the shadow of death and in the valley re-shaped my life. He taught me so many lessons about true joy in loss, patience, trust, who He was, faith, living for eternity, and so many more. Many of the previous entries are about those lessons….God healed my broken heart, but there is a scar that remains. A loss of that significance can never leave a person unchanged. I am thankful God used the loss to make me more like Him….
Fast forward a bit…It has now been five years since that day. Many things have changed. The Lord answered my prayers for a family. I am now re-married and have an almost six month old. I am truly thankful and blessed!!!! Let's see if I can make sense of the lessons that are continuing from my journey that started five years ago. Initially after Troy died, I struggled with fear and levels of anxiety. However; God lovingly guided me into His presence through His word and gave me victory. I spent the next few years struggling with many things, but those were not on the list. When Adam came into the picture, the fear returned a bit. I knew and trusted God's sovereignty. I rested in knowing that nothing could happen outside of His will. However; I knew that He was in control the day Troy died too. So I had to dig deeper into truth more than just God is sovereign. I had to remember other characteristics of God. He is love. He is kind. He will give grace. I also was learning to not live in "what if'ville." I had grace when Troy died that I do not have right now for my married life with Adam. These are the truths I preached often to myself when Adam and I first got married. When we reached fourteen months of marriage (a month longer than my previous marriage), I reflected a lot on how different things were between the two marriages. Troy and I did not have God at the center of our lives. In losing Troy, God shook me to my core and radically changed my life. Today, I can look back and see the beautiful tapestry that God was weaving in that loss. However; I don't have that perspective on all aspects of my life. I can look back and see God working in that loss, but that may not always be the case. Adam and I are by God's grace living a life for Him. We are far from perfect, but God is working and we desire His work in our lives. Here is where lies began to creep in and take root. "I'm living right now so God should not bring suffering or trials into my life." Or another lie that frequently runs through my head, "When is something going to happen because life can not be this good?" I try to fight these lies with truth. However; they are there somewhere in my mind. Fast forward a little more….God answered and gave me a son. I feel truly blessed and now I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. I have now had frequent thoughts since Brogan was born, "When is something bad going to happen?" My idea of God has been shaped by my previous loss, but that doesn't mean it is true. It is my perspective. I have often wondered if people who walk through tragedy struggle with waiting for it to happen again. I know I have….The joy of being happily married and a healthy baby has often been followed by fears of when is it going to end.
These fears have been following me the last couple of months. Fear has not been a constant companion, but it has been definitely been a companion.
"I know God is in control.
I can't do anything to keep me, Brogan, or Adam alive.
I must rest in Him.
I know He is trustworthy.
He loves me.
He sent His Son to save me.
I can't even begin to comprehend this love."
These are truths I would preach to myself when the fear or anxiety would become too much. The truth would pierce the fear and peace would follow. I am commanded to not fear. I am commanded to not be anxious. I am told to pray. I am commanded to take every thought captive. These are my weapons against the devil's lies. So this has been my struggle for the last couple of months. Ups and downs in my thought life….Then it happened. Tragic loss again! Last week Adam and I found out we were pregnant and a couple of days later we weren't. How could this happen? My immediate thoughts were: "God I have already lost a husband. It is not fair for you to take my baby too." The fear and anxiety returned full force. I was experiencing my fear that I was not immune to loss just because I had previously walked through tragedy. What if God thought I needed to grow through losing Adam or Brogan? What if more loss was part of my sanctification? No, God I do not want that! Fear was taking over my life after losing this little one. What else would God require? Irrational thoughts of death, loss, pain, and more trials became constant in my mind. God was working. He was showing me the heavy load of fear I was carrying and had been carrying for quite some time. It was in this loss I realized just how heavy and overwhelming it had become. So what is God teaching me today….
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ…. Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ….. But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God's people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy…..Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed….Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good."
First thing I am learning is that tragedy or blessing God is always in control. I think this has been one of the hardest lessons for my mind to wrap around. How can I trust God's sovereignty when I know He may bring loss? This is where the next lessons come into play. I am chosen. I have been taken out of darkness and placed into light. What mercy! Here is where I see so clearly His amazing love for me. If the Creator of the universe picked me to shower the blessing of being His, I can not doubt His love in anything He gives to me. I am also being reminded of eternity. These trials are refining me to bring my God glory. In many ways, I can see God's glory displayed through Troy's death. At this moment, I can not see the glory in taking this little one home like I do in Troy's home going. When God brings other trials, I may not be able to see benefit this side of heaven. Does that mean I won't trust that He is working just as He did in Troy's death? God's grace is sufficient as I walk through trials, but it is also His grace in allowing that trial. This is the lesson that God is continually showing me through His word and books. His grace is being given to me daily as part of my growth in Him. It is His grace towards me that saved me. It is His grace toward me that took my husband home after thirteen months of marriage. It is His grace that took our second baby to heaven before I could hold the little one in my arms. Grace is more than God not giving me what I deserve although that is true. Grace is God not giving me what I deserve and giving me exactly what I need to be more like Him. It may be through a trial or through a blessing that God displays His grace. Whatever He gives is gracious. After losing Troy, I would say time and time again "His grace is sufficient." I am now learning His grace is going to bring things into my life to grow me. The bottom line is will I entrust my soul to my Creator for whatever His will deems necessary to make my more like Him? This is where God has brought me once again, "Sarah, will you trust Me to give you exactly what you need in this life to bring Me glory?" For many months, the answer was "not really." Through another loss, God has once again brought me to dependence on Him. I must take captive these lies that doubt God's goodness and place me as knowing better than my infinitely wise Creator. The scars of loss do not give me an excuse to fear or worry about the future. Instead these scars are just that scars. They are wounds that have been healed or being healed by a Father that turns mourning into joy.
I sang these words this morning and it perfectly sums up the surrender that is taking place in my heart:
"May this journey bring a blessing
May I rise on wings of faith
And at the end of my heart's testing
With Your likeness let me wake.
Let the treasures of the trial
Form within me as I go
And at the end of this long passage
Let me leave them at Your throne."
I do not know the future. I do not know the continued journey God has planned. I do not know whether blessings or trials are around the corner. However; this one thing I do know, God will give me whatever He graciously sees fit for my good and His glory. I must take captive the sinful thoughts that lead to fear/anxiety and rest in the truth: God is always good!
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Patience 101. Faith 102. God's Goodness 103.
Lessons in Widowhood 201 are difficult, and not always the easiest to explain, but going to try to catch everyone up on the specific things that God is teaching me as I enter new stages of widowhood.....
Several weeks ago I was catching up with a wise man who listened to me talk about where I was, and how life had changed since last summer. I told him I was doing well, but he kept questioning, and finally proceeded to break down some barriers, and get to some deeper issues. The truth is I have been struggling with patience, waiting on God's timing. He gave me an analogy that I was in a class. God had signed me up for this "one on one" class with Him. He was my teacher, and I was going to have quizzes and tests and maybe even a paper (decided this blog is my paper haha). This was how I was to look at my patience lesson. I thought okay this is an interesting way of viewing things, and it definitely gave me something to think about well about two days later I read these verses. Isaiah 30:19-20 "For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, 'This is the way, walk in it.'" WOW...okay now I really saw that the Lord was wanting to teach me something! So my eyes were opened to this idea. A week or two later I spoke with another wise man, and he told me that every trial or affliction is a fork in the road: it can be a test from God or a temptation from Satan. A choice must be made as to which we will allow it to be. So with these two thoughts of "I'm in a class, and I want this to be God testing me to make me more like Him" I was ready for something....
Something came by way of huge breakdown last weekend. I lost it every five seconds tears would come falling down. I missed Troy. I felt all alone. I had no hope. I was miserable on the couch, crying, wrapped in his bike jacket. I looked at pictures, and remembered how it used to feel in his arms. I watched our wedding video just to try and remember what his voice sounded like. I will never kiss him again. I was so lonely and tired of being this way. Will I ever be able to share my life with another? What if I'm alone for the rest of my life? What if..What if...What if... I think you get the picture...focused on "me" and "circumstances" no truth involved at all that weekend!
Monday, I went back to camp with a realization I was wrong, and confession to God about my selfishness, but no real hope. The message that night was about God's goodness. Awww...the truth is several of the messages this summer have been about God's goodness. Yes, He was trying to get my attention. It has just taken me a while to hear. So message starts, and I realize I can't sit and listen. I need to get away because tears were quickly coming. The lesson and testing were here: "Do you believe God is good all the time?" I could easily answer "Yes, God is good looking back at the past." However; where the future is concered the honest answer was "No!" Before the accident, bad things do happen, but nothing like that ever happens to me. I didn't think that tragedies would ever affect me personally. Selfish, yes, but just thought I was immune. Well now I know it can, it did, and could happen again. So in the back of my head there is this doubting voice of something bad could happen today or tomorrow, and you don't know what the future holds. This voice caused me to really doubt God's goodness all the time. I left the message, got on my knees with a Bible in front of me, begging and crying for God to help me. I wanted to believe what I knew in my head was true. I turned to the passage in 1 Peter 4:19 and WHAM God hit me over the head with this verse: "Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good." His will is for me to be a widow, and all the pain that comes with it. BUT He is faithful! Do I trust His faithfulness? What do I know about faith so I went to Hebrews and read the following verses: "let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith" (because of what Christ did on the cross) "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful" "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." With all these truths in mind, my test from God is not really anything to do with patience because if I believed then I would not worry because I would be resting in the truth He is faithful and good. So really the lesson He is teaching me is FAITH! The truth is "No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly." If I believe God is good, then I know that even though I can't see the future, anything that is coming will be good because that is what He says. God is stretching me in my faith and this is a hard lesson, but sooo good. I am learning to sit back, and wait as He opens doors, points me in new directions, and teaches me much needed lessons in all areas of my life. Because I believe He is good I rest patiently! The end of the verse in 2 Peter says "while doing good." This means for right now, I do the next right thing while I wait for Him to continue to lead me. Right now...I'm at camp, and this is the ministry God has given me. I know that I need nothing else in my life because if I did He would give it to me.
This weekend HUGE difference. Joy and peace are flowing from my life. I want to shout from the rooftops "HE is good" and "It is worth it to lose all for His sake" "He knows best" "He loves me wretch that I am" and on and on I can go. I pray that all this makes sense as it has been such a good journey God has been leading me on this summer.....I end with these lyrics because this where I stand tonight on the twenty-two month anniversary of Troy going home....
"I can hear it in the distance
And its not too far away
Its the music and the laughter
of a wedding and a feast
I can almost feel the hand of God
Reaching for my face
To wipe the tears away
Say its time to make everything new
Make it all new
This is our hope
This is a promise
This is our hope
It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that's been made
Out of the ashes, out of the ashes
It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that He's made
Out of these ashes beauty will rise
We will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of this darkness new light will shine
And we'll know the joy that's coming in the morning"
Several weeks ago I was catching up with a wise man who listened to me talk about where I was, and how life had changed since last summer. I told him I was doing well, but he kept questioning, and finally proceeded to break down some barriers, and get to some deeper issues. The truth is I have been struggling with patience, waiting on God's timing. He gave me an analogy that I was in a class. God had signed me up for this "one on one" class with Him. He was my teacher, and I was going to have quizzes and tests and maybe even a paper (decided this blog is my paper haha). This was how I was to look at my patience lesson. I thought okay this is an interesting way of viewing things, and it definitely gave me something to think about well about two days later I read these verses. Isaiah 30:19-20 "For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, 'This is the way, walk in it.'" WOW...okay now I really saw that the Lord was wanting to teach me something! So my eyes were opened to this idea. A week or two later I spoke with another wise man, and he told me that every trial or affliction is a fork in the road: it can be a test from God or a temptation from Satan. A choice must be made as to which we will allow it to be. So with these two thoughts of "I'm in a class, and I want this to be God testing me to make me more like Him" I was ready for something....
Something came by way of huge breakdown last weekend. I lost it every five seconds tears would come falling down. I missed Troy. I felt all alone. I had no hope. I was miserable on the couch, crying, wrapped in his bike jacket. I looked at pictures, and remembered how it used to feel in his arms. I watched our wedding video just to try and remember what his voice sounded like. I will never kiss him again. I was so lonely and tired of being this way. Will I ever be able to share my life with another? What if I'm alone for the rest of my life? What if..What if...What if... I think you get the picture...focused on "me" and "circumstances" no truth involved at all that weekend!
Monday, I went back to camp with a realization I was wrong, and confession to God about my selfishness, but no real hope. The message that night was about God's goodness. Awww...the truth is several of the messages this summer have been about God's goodness. Yes, He was trying to get my attention. It has just taken me a while to hear. So message starts, and I realize I can't sit and listen. I need to get away because tears were quickly coming. The lesson and testing were here: "Do you believe God is good all the time?" I could easily answer "Yes, God is good looking back at the past." However; where the future is concered the honest answer was "No!" Before the accident, bad things do happen, but nothing like that ever happens to me. I didn't think that tragedies would ever affect me personally. Selfish, yes, but just thought I was immune. Well now I know it can, it did, and could happen again. So in the back of my head there is this doubting voice of something bad could happen today or tomorrow, and you don't know what the future holds. This voice caused me to really doubt God's goodness all the time. I left the message, got on my knees with a Bible in front of me, begging and crying for God to help me. I wanted to believe what I knew in my head was true. I turned to the passage in 1 Peter 4:19 and WHAM God hit me over the head with this verse: "Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good." His will is for me to be a widow, and all the pain that comes with it. BUT He is faithful! Do I trust His faithfulness? What do I know about faith so I went to Hebrews and read the following verses: "let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith" (because of what Christ did on the cross) "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful" "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." With all these truths in mind, my test from God is not really anything to do with patience because if I believed then I would not worry because I would be resting in the truth He is faithful and good. So really the lesson He is teaching me is FAITH! The truth is "No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly." If I believe God is good, then I know that even though I can't see the future, anything that is coming will be good because that is what He says. God is stretching me in my faith and this is a hard lesson, but sooo good. I am learning to sit back, and wait as He opens doors, points me in new directions, and teaches me much needed lessons in all areas of my life. Because I believe He is good I rest patiently! The end of the verse in 2 Peter says "while doing good." This means for right now, I do the next right thing while I wait for Him to continue to lead me. Right now...I'm at camp, and this is the ministry God has given me. I know that I need nothing else in my life because if I did He would give it to me.
This weekend HUGE difference. Joy and peace are flowing from my life. I want to shout from the rooftops "HE is good" and "It is worth it to lose all for His sake" "He knows best" "He loves me wretch that I am" and on and on I can go. I pray that all this makes sense as it has been such a good journey God has been leading me on this summer.....I end with these lyrics because this where I stand tonight on the twenty-two month anniversary of Troy going home....
"I can hear it in the distance
And its not too far away
Its the music and the laughter
of a wedding and a feast
I can almost feel the hand of God
Reaching for my face
To wipe the tears away
Say its time to make everything new
Make it all new
This is our hope
This is a promise
This is our hope
It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that's been made
Out of the ashes, out of the ashes
It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that He's made
Out of these ashes beauty will rise
We will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of this darkness new light will shine
And we'll know the joy that's coming in the morning"
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Jerusalem
Since I am on a roll today of catching up on life, I thought why not keep going by adding another entry here ;) I'm backtracking a bit since this is from about a month ago when I traveled to Israel, but Jerusalem was one of the high points of my trip so wanted to share. Being a widow, this city meant so much to me because I know one day I will be in the New Jerusalem with Troy :) However; more importantly it was here that my Savior died and rose again. It is because of what He did here that I have hope!!! It was what happened here that radically changed my life. Here God demonstrated His grace, mercy, and love in way my mind will never be able to comprehend. This song was playing while we drove into the city, and brought tears to my eyes. I thought it was perfect to use for these pictures..... So here is a little slideshow of some of the highlights of the city. Hope you enjoy :)
Holy Land City: Jerusalem Slideshow: Sarah’s trip from Greenville, South Carolina, United States to Jerusalem, Israel was created by TripAdvisor. See another Jerusalem slideshow. Create your own stunning free slideshow from your travel photos.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Long overdue update!
Wow, I've slacked on keeping up on this blog. I would blame lack of time, which would be partly true, but really just an excuse. I'm sure at some point I could have found the time to write about this journey. I just passed the twenty-one month mark. I can hardly believe two years is around the corner. This will not be long although it should because so much has happened since I last wrote. This is just an update and hopefully a small step into writing again. I was reading back, and this has been a great way to keep track of this journey.
Mini update: Finished first year of graduate school. Spent two weeks in Israel and Jordan (definitely should have blogged about that AMAZING trip). Now working at camp again.
So what is life like these days...that's a loaded question. I hate, hate, hate the idea of moving on, but I guess that is part of living life without that person. So in the "new normal" of life....I sold his motorcycle. That was huge! Tears came, but also relief in finally making a decision. I no longer wear his ring everyday. It is my security blanket, and comes on and off dependent on my level of grief. I don't look at pictures very often. The cemetery visits are only occasional now. I don't always realize it's the 30th each month. I don't cry every day, or even every other day. I can go over a week now without tears yay! I think less and less of what life could be if he were still here. I can on a rare occasion watch a romantic movie again. However; tears do usually follow so not my first choice. At 5 o'clock every day, I no longer think he should be walking through the door finally home from work. I don't lose it when I hear or see a motorcycle. I've been to a wedding, and survived to tell of it ;) Random things I realize, but all parts of this learning a "new normal."
The lessons God has been teaching me would seriously take all night to type up. So basics are faith and patience. My truth box has turned into a real idea! I have a box now, and am constantly writing down truths He is teaching me. A little back drop to what the Lord is doing now.... The second semester of school was a little bit of just coasting through life. Being my independent self ;) unsure of the future, and worrying that God was done working. My time with Him was daily, but not very productive. Fears and independence were rearing their ugly head in my life. Thankfully God hasn't allowed me to stay there. So these days I'm mediating on He is walking right with me through this trial. "Fear Not!" He will not forsake me! Thank goodness since this is one rough journey. These past few weeks have been quite a struggle of realizing how much I know truth, but do I believe. No matter what the circumstances do I believe God is who He says He is and will do what He promises? God has been stretching/testing me in walking by faith not sight. Many tearful nights, crying out what are you doing??? He is teaching me trust and wait patiently. Not my strengths! Good thing He is patient ;) These difficult lessons have drawn me closer to Him, and that is worth every tear and every second of wondering about the unknown future. I've been driven to His Word and to my knees. Doubt and worry are being cast aside as I see the many promises He has given me.
So not the longest or most in depth about this journey, but a mini update of the last several months.
Mini update: Finished first year of graduate school. Spent two weeks in Israel and Jordan (definitely should have blogged about that AMAZING trip). Now working at camp again.
So what is life like these days...that's a loaded question. I hate, hate, hate the idea of moving on, but I guess that is part of living life without that person. So in the "new normal" of life....I sold his motorcycle. That was huge! Tears came, but also relief in finally making a decision. I no longer wear his ring everyday. It is my security blanket, and comes on and off dependent on my level of grief. I don't look at pictures very often. The cemetery visits are only occasional now. I don't always realize it's the 30th each month. I don't cry every day, or even every other day. I can go over a week now without tears yay! I think less and less of what life could be if he were still here. I can on a rare occasion watch a romantic movie again. However; tears do usually follow so not my first choice. At 5 o'clock every day, I no longer think he should be walking through the door finally home from work. I don't lose it when I hear or see a motorcycle. I've been to a wedding, and survived to tell of it ;) Random things I realize, but all parts of this learning a "new normal."
The lessons God has been teaching me would seriously take all night to type up. So basics are faith and patience. My truth box has turned into a real idea! I have a box now, and am constantly writing down truths He is teaching me. A little back drop to what the Lord is doing now.... The second semester of school was a little bit of just coasting through life. Being my independent self ;) unsure of the future, and worrying that God was done working. My time with Him was daily, but not very productive. Fears and independence were rearing their ugly head in my life. Thankfully God hasn't allowed me to stay there. So these days I'm mediating on He is walking right with me through this trial. "Fear Not!" He will not forsake me! Thank goodness since this is one rough journey. These past few weeks have been quite a struggle of realizing how much I know truth, but do I believe. No matter what the circumstances do I believe God is who He says He is and will do what He promises? God has been stretching/testing me in walking by faith not sight. Many tearful nights, crying out what are you doing??? He is teaching me trust and wait patiently. Not my strengths! Good thing He is patient ;) These difficult lessons have drawn me closer to Him, and that is worth every tear and every second of wondering about the unknown future. I've been driven to His Word and to my knees. Doubt and worry are being cast aside as I see the many promises He has given me.
So not the longest or most in depth about this journey, but a mini update of the last several months.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Acceptance and the Truths of Hope and Sacrifice.
Life is busy these days. School and work are going at full force, but busy is good for me. Busy helps keep my focus on the present. The Lord has been teaching me some huge lessons this past month. I knew it was time to share, as these have affected my journey in widowhood. I read a poem a couple of weeks ago by Amy Carmichael and must write it here in order for you to fully understand where this change started.
He said, "I will forget the dying faces;
The empty places—
They shall be filled again;
O voices mourning deep within me, cease."
Vain, vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in forgetting lieth peace.
The empty places—
They shall be filled again;
O voices mourning deep within me, cease."
Vain, vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in forgetting lieth peace.
He said, "I will crowd action upon action,
The strife of faction
Shall stir my spirit to flame;
O tears that drown the fire of manhood, cease."
Vain, vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in endeavour lieth peace.
The strife of faction
Shall stir my spirit to flame;
O tears that drown the fire of manhood, cease."
Vain, vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in endeavour lieth peace.
He said, "I will withdraw me and be quiet,
Why meddle in life's riot?
Shut be my door to pain.
Desire, thou dost befool me, thou shalt cease."
Vain, vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in aloofness lieth peace.
Why meddle in life's riot?
Shut be my door to pain.
Desire, thou dost befool me, thou shalt cease."
Vain, vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in aloofness lieth peace.
He said, "I will submit; I am defeated;
God hath depleted
My life of its rich gain.
O futile murmurings; why will ye not cease?"
Vain, vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in submission lieth peace.
God hath depleted
My life of its rich gain.
O futile murmurings; why will ye not cease?"
Vain, vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in submission lieth peace.
He said, "I will accept the breaking sorrow
Which God to-morrow
Will to His son explain."
Then did the turmoil deep within him cease.
Not vain the word, not vain;
For in acceptance lieth peace.
Which God to-morrow
Will to His son explain."
Then did the turmoil deep within him cease.
Not vain the word, not vain;
For in acceptance lieth peace.
I have often said, "I know taking Troy home was God's perfect will." Knowing and believing are good things, but they in themselves are not enough. I was brought to the realization that acceptance is the next step. This has not been an easy lesson to learn, but with grace, God's teaching me. I must accept His perfect will, and there lies the peace I so desperately need. I must continually go back to this truth because it is something I can easily forget. As a wise man has often said, "Unbelief is believing a lie about God. Belief is believing the truth about God." How often I have found myself these past months wandering off the straight and narrow path of truth to the slippery path of unbelief. It is very easy for me to get started down this slippery slope of lies, and once off, its so easy to keep slipping down. The slip starts with thoughts that sound something like this...
I need something (not God) to make these tears subside. LIE # 1
I know God can, but I don't think He will change my life. I will be forever stuck in this grief. LIE # 2
I'm never going to be happy again. LIE # 3
God is not working in my life. LIE # 4
It is so so easy for me to start thinking these lies, and before I know it I've slipped into despair. Thankfully my Heavenly Father has helped me numerous times out of this pit and back into His loving arms and the truth of His words.
This past month the Lord has so graciously continued to work in my heart. I not only believe Troy's homegoing was God's perfect will, but accept it as His perfect will. It is a constant battle of keeping my mind focused on the truth. I know in this world there is a cost in discipleship. There is sacrifice in this life. Sacrifice of things I want. Sacrifice of time. Sacrifice of things I love. This is not the full picture though. The sacrifices are what Jesus calls us to do. Those are the treasures we are laying up in heaven. When we take our last breath and the coffin lid is closed, there is nothing of this material world we are taking with us. However; if we have lived as we are called to do in the Bible our treasures are waiting for us. This is the truth I must focus on, but there is a far better truth that I must constantly return to. The Cross. It is here that I see the ultimate sacrifice. The ultimate gift of love. It is here where my hope lies. As I close this blog, I pray that each person who reads this will meditate on this truth when things are difficult or life seems overwhelming. I (a wretched, selfish, prideful sinner) was loved by a Holy, Perfect God. It was on the cross He took my punishment in order that I may stand redeemed in His presence one day. This is the ultimate hope. I will one day spend eternity with my Savior. I truly can only imagine what that day will be like when surrounded by His glory. Will I stand in His presence, or to my knees will I fall? Troy is experiencing this great joy. He has finished his course and is enjoying the glories of heaven. I must press on in this journey always keeping the prominence of truth and the glory of the gospel in my mind. Father, not my will, but Thine!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Contentment and Endurance in Widowhood.
Not entirely sure where to start, or where this entry will lead, but I felt I needed to at least write something of my journey these days. This past month was full of big events: my birthday, Christmas, and New Years. Big days tend to make my reality a little more real. I know Troy is gone every day... trust me I know, but those days are supposed to be celebrating days. Its hard to celebrate without tears now. On those days, I wonder if there will ever be celebrating again with out tears. On my birthday, I heard a wonderful message about joy and sorrow. The pastor said, "You can have joy and be sad, but you can't be happy and sad." I very much relate to this fact. I know joy and happiness are two very different things. Happiness is a bit harder to come by these days. The honest truth is I would pick joy over happiness. The joy I have in my relationship with Christ is worth the cost of losing Troy.
I've been learning a lot about contentment. For a while after the accident, I kept thinking "maybe if this happened or if this occurred, then I could be happy." As the one year of loss passed, I somehow thought that a change of circumstance would bring happiness. Definitely not the right thinking! Learning to be content in the here and now is where I am supposed to be. This is by no means an easy lesson for me. Nor have I successfully arrived. ;)
When you get married, you have your future planned out to some extent. In just one day, all of my plans were taken away. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for the changes. I'm thankful that the Lord has allowed me to have a second chance to live in light of eternity. However; I struggle with the unknown of the future. Where will I be in three years? Will I ever have children? Will I still be working as an RN on L&D? A little over a year ago, I could have given an answer. It might not have been the right one, but I would have at least had an answer to these questions. Today... nope got nothing. I do, however, have an amazing Savior who gives me promises that I can cling to in these days of uncertainty. I read this the night of my birthday. Ps. 138 "Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life...The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; Your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of Your hands." WOW! I love this verse and love the timing of it. It is truly amazing that on a day when I face yet another year of growing older with out Troy, another year of uncertainty about the future, my God gives me a jewel like this. He knows the plan and it is perfect. I just need to stop worrying and trust in His loving plan for me. I can do this when my thoughts stay focused on truth. Constant battle of the mind!
Also learning about this thing called perseverance. I love the verses from Romans 3 "We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that our suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope." That last word "hope" is such a promise in light of the beginning of the verse. I want this word to be true in my life. I thought for a long time "Okay I'm rejoicing. Check. So when does this endurance thing kick in so I can have hope?" Had a nice discussion with one of my couch buddies about this verse recently when I was feeling a bit discouraged about life. She so kindly told me the endurance thing is not an "Ah-ha" moment of "Yes! I now have endurance." No, it is a daily battle of doing right. Oh, well not exactly what I was looking for, since I assumed once endurance was attained I would have hope, and life would be grand ;) Jokes on me ;) However; since learning this fact I'm encouraged knowing that because I chose to rejoice in this trial, I'm learning endurance thus changing my character and giving me that hope I so desperately need. The hope that He is making me more like His Son. The hope that He will fulfill His promises in my life. The hope that someday I will see Troy again. Most importantly the hope that one day all tears will be wiped away and there will be no more death or sorrow! Praise the Lord! :)
So basically a little after a year; sorrow still here, but learning contentment daily is still required. I must choose to keep thinking and doing right even when I don't want or feel like it! The Christian life is not an easy one. We are promised trials. The rewards for being faithful though are far better than any temporary happiness of this day and age. Learning to see widowhood as a gift from God that will bring Him glory!
I've been learning a lot about contentment. For a while after the accident, I kept thinking "maybe if this happened or if this occurred, then I could be happy." As the one year of loss passed, I somehow thought that a change of circumstance would bring happiness. Definitely not the right thinking! Learning to be content in the here and now is where I am supposed to be. This is by no means an easy lesson for me. Nor have I successfully arrived. ;)
When you get married, you have your future planned out to some extent. In just one day, all of my plans were taken away. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for the changes. I'm thankful that the Lord has allowed me to have a second chance to live in light of eternity. However; I struggle with the unknown of the future. Where will I be in three years? Will I ever have children? Will I still be working as an RN on L&D? A little over a year ago, I could have given an answer. It might not have been the right one, but I would have at least had an answer to these questions. Today... nope got nothing. I do, however, have an amazing Savior who gives me promises that I can cling to in these days of uncertainty. I read this the night of my birthday. Ps. 138 "Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life...The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; Your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of Your hands." WOW! I love this verse and love the timing of it. It is truly amazing that on a day when I face yet another year of growing older with out Troy, another year of uncertainty about the future, my God gives me a jewel like this. He knows the plan and it is perfect. I just need to stop worrying and trust in His loving plan for me. I can do this when my thoughts stay focused on truth. Constant battle of the mind!
Also learning about this thing called perseverance. I love the verses from Romans 3 "We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that our suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope." That last word "hope" is such a promise in light of the beginning of the verse. I want this word to be true in my life. I thought for a long time "Okay I'm rejoicing. Check. So when does this endurance thing kick in so I can have hope?" Had a nice discussion with one of my couch buddies about this verse recently when I was feeling a bit discouraged about life. She so kindly told me the endurance thing is not an "Ah-ha" moment of "Yes! I now have endurance." No, it is a daily battle of doing right. Oh, well not exactly what I was looking for, since I assumed once endurance was attained I would have hope, and life would be grand ;) Jokes on me ;) However; since learning this fact I'm encouraged knowing that because I chose to rejoice in this trial, I'm learning endurance thus changing my character and giving me that hope I so desperately need. The hope that He is making me more like His Son. The hope that He will fulfill His promises in my life. The hope that someday I will see Troy again. Most importantly the hope that one day all tears will be wiped away and there will be no more death or sorrow! Praise the Lord! :)
So basically a little after a year; sorrow still here, but learning contentment daily is still required. I must choose to keep thinking and doing right even when I don't want or feel like it! The Christian life is not an easy one. We are promised trials. The rewards for being faithful though are far better than any temporary happiness of this day and age. Learning to see widowhood as a gift from God that will bring Him glory!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Fallen. Footprints. Faith.
Again I slack at writing...Life after a year where do I begin. My emotions are all over the place. I have hesitated to write because I've always been honest on here and wasn't sure if I was ready to share everything. However; the truth is this blog is my journey so here it goes....
After the year, I wanted everything to be fixed. I didn't want to cry, hurt, miss, feel alone anymore. I thought okay year complete now time to move on. Here is where the honest part comes to play...In my head, moving on meant meet someone else. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want a family. Somehow also figured in meeting someone else that new relationship would somehow replace Troy and the hurt that is constantly there. I haven't typed these thoughts for a variety of reasons. I don't want anyone to think I don't love Troy. If I ever date again, that person to think they are a replacement. I don't want to sound like I'm moving too fast. I don't want to hurt family or friends. Don't want anyone to think not ready to date by reading this. A lot of thinking has been involved in case you missed it ;) I feel a little bit crazy. I often wonder if I am going nuts. Is all these varying emotions normal? Can I still love and miss someone yet also feel ready to meet someone new?...Point of all of this is the last month after the one year I just didn't want to think about Troy at all. I was ready for the next step. God show me the next step....
Thanksgiving came and during the praise service at church the Lord really opened my eyes to say "Sarah, stop fighting!" I had been fighting everything to do with Troy. I had pushed all my feelings and thoughts through a door then closed and locked it. I didn't want to grieve anymore. I assumed that if I still mourned over Troy I would never have the chance to meet anyone else. God was telling me to let go of my ideas once again! Its okay to grieve as long as I don't wallow. When the next step comes, God will work out all the little details.
December has come and the grieving is no joke these days. Can't turn it off if I wanted to. Christmas and my birthday apparently bring the grieving on at full speed. Right now I really want to find the control switch! Confession...I stopped trusting. I did what I was supposed to because I was supposed to do them, but didn't believe in it. I stopped trusting that God was working out for my good because all I could feel was sadness and loneliness. Again I was rebuked, faith is not based on feelings. My Christian walk is certainly not based on feelings. Faith is not by sight, but following, trusting that God is in complete control of our unknown. I sit here today trusting. I don't always understand, but I do now that Jesus has promised to never leave me. I'm never alone. I love the poem about the footprints in the sand. Can't wait for the day on the other side and see how often those footprints in the sand will only be one set as He was carrying me through. I read a while back in Psalms 77:19 "Your way was through the sea, your path through the great waters; yet your footprints were unseen." This is one of the many promises I'm holding onto these days. He is there even when I don't see.
I don't always understand. I want to plan and figure it out NOW ;) God says "Be still and know that I am God." This means don't plan and try to work things out. Just trust ME! Walking by faith not by sight especially this month...My God is good always:)
After the year, I wanted everything to be fixed. I didn't want to cry, hurt, miss, feel alone anymore. I thought okay year complete now time to move on. Here is where the honest part comes to play...In my head, moving on meant meet someone else. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want a family. Somehow also figured in meeting someone else that new relationship would somehow replace Troy and the hurt that is constantly there. I haven't typed these thoughts for a variety of reasons. I don't want anyone to think I don't love Troy. If I ever date again, that person to think they are a replacement. I don't want to sound like I'm moving too fast. I don't want to hurt family or friends. Don't want anyone to think not ready to date by reading this. A lot of thinking has been involved in case you missed it ;) I feel a little bit crazy. I often wonder if I am going nuts. Is all these varying emotions normal? Can I still love and miss someone yet also feel ready to meet someone new?...Point of all of this is the last month after the one year I just didn't want to think about Troy at all. I was ready for the next step. God show me the next step....
Thanksgiving came and during the praise service at church the Lord really opened my eyes to say "Sarah, stop fighting!" I had been fighting everything to do with Troy. I had pushed all my feelings and thoughts through a door then closed and locked it. I didn't want to grieve anymore. I assumed that if I still mourned over Troy I would never have the chance to meet anyone else. God was telling me to let go of my ideas once again! Its okay to grieve as long as I don't wallow. When the next step comes, God will work out all the little details.
December has come and the grieving is no joke these days. Can't turn it off if I wanted to. Christmas and my birthday apparently bring the grieving on at full speed. Right now I really want to find the control switch! Confession...I stopped trusting. I did what I was supposed to because I was supposed to do them, but didn't believe in it. I stopped trusting that God was working out for my good because all I could feel was sadness and loneliness. Again I was rebuked, faith is not based on feelings. My Christian walk is certainly not based on feelings. Faith is not by sight, but following, trusting that God is in complete control of our unknown. I sit here today trusting. I don't always understand, but I do now that Jesus has promised to never leave me. I'm never alone. I love the poem about the footprints in the sand. Can't wait for the day on the other side and see how often those footprints in the sand will only be one set as He was carrying me through. I read a while back in Psalms 77:19 "Your way was through the sea, your path through the great waters; yet your footprints were unseen." This is one of the many promises I'm holding onto these days. He is there even when I don't see.
I don't always understand. I want to plan and figure it out NOW ;) God says "Be still and know that I am God." This means don't plan and try to work things out. Just trust ME! Walking by faith not by sight especially this month...My God is good always:)
Sunday, October 10, 2010
One year: Reflections
One year. 12 months. 365 days. 8,760 hours. 31,536,000 seconds. That is how long it has been since that phone call. THAT one phone call everyone dreads. The call that altered my life. Drastically changed my future. I remember the moment vividly. Standing in my living room. The phone ringing and the dreaded words "There has been an accident. Sarah, it was Troy." At that moment, I went into shock. To some extent, shock is different for everyone. I equate shock to numbness. I went numb. Don't misunderstand, I have grieved. As you can see from this blog or facebook, I have moments when sorrow comes and tears are inevitable. However; I will borrow from a friend as she put on her blog. We have masks now we never had before. That is how I would describe life. I have a mask of numbness. Anniversaries are typically time for celebration. Birthdays, weddings, engagements... Death not so much on the celebration. I would say reflection. Reflecting on where this path has brought me. Opposite what I could have ever imagined. Rejoice in that? Yes. Rejoice in the path that led me here? Difficult to say. I try not to think about him and then again I hate that I'm forgetting him. Grief is strange. One year though, its difficult to think of anything, but him. I stood at that door of reflection, opened it, removed the mask of numbness, and stared. Looked at what would never be. I would never grow old with him. I would never have a family with him. I would never fight and make up with him. I would no longer dream about the future with him. The grand vacations or dreams would never come to be. As I walk through the door with these thoughts surrounding me, that gut wrenching heartache hits. There are no words to describe the pain. I hold his clothes as if somehow it will bring comfort. I cry, no sob while looking at his pictures of a happier time. I sit on the couch wrapped in his bike jacket. Smell the leather that's so familiarly Troy. Yet that memory, as so many others are, is also fading. I see the blood and remember he was once alive. I sit. Hoping, wishing, begging for this not to be my path. The Bible tells us to grieve with hope. I know this is true. I do have hope. I will see him again, but that doesn't take the grief away or bring the comfort I so desperately want from his arms.
I have returned from the reflecting. I have closed that door. The mask of numbness is placed back on. I try not to think about him and what could have been. The numbness is my protection. I keep it close. I know others want to talk, remember, laugh about old times. I want to forget. I don't want to forget. You see where this grief has so many degrees. I remember thinking at one month there is no possible way I can do another eleven of these. I have. Grace. Tons of grace. I dare not end the blog on this note. I have so much to be thankful for. I've been blessed beyond measure. I've been reminded the last two days of where I must remain: at the cross. The future path I can not see. It is dark and foggy. I do have light for each step though. The Word. It lights my path just enough to take the next step. I remain (especially these days) on my knees staring at the rugged cross. That love...that sacrifice...that is my hope! I may stay numb when it comes to thinking about Troy for my heart's sake. However; I do rejoice and take comfort in My Savior. I realize this may sound a bit contradictory, but the loss of your other half will never this side of heaven make complete sense to me. Hence; the varying "masks" (as my sweet friend has put it) I have at the one year mark.
I have returned from the reflecting. I have closed that door. The mask of numbness is placed back on. I try not to think about him and what could have been. The numbness is my protection. I keep it close. I know others want to talk, remember, laugh about old times. I want to forget. I don't want to forget. You see where this grief has so many degrees. I remember thinking at one month there is no possible way I can do another eleven of these. I have. Grace. Tons of grace. I dare not end the blog on this note. I have so much to be thankful for. I've been blessed beyond measure. I've been reminded the last two days of where I must remain: at the cross. The future path I can not see. It is dark and foggy. I do have light for each step though. The Word. It lights my path just enough to take the next step. I remain (especially these days) on my knees staring at the rugged cross. That love...that sacrifice...that is my hope! I may stay numb when it comes to thinking about Troy for my heart's sake. However; I do rejoice and take comfort in My Savior. I realize this may sound a bit contradictory, but the loss of your other half will never this side of heaven make complete sense to me. Hence; the varying "masks" (as my sweet friend has put it) I have at the one year mark.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Expression of grief.
As promised, trying to be more faithful in keeping track of this journey. Today probably won't be the most uplifting, but trying to keep this as honest as possible. I dreamed about Troy last night. It was one of those dreams that is so real you wake up thinking, where am I? In my dream, he was back after being gone for this year. He hadn't died like we all thought, but had been held somewhere where he couldn't get away (bit weird I know). He was so real. He couldn't stop kissing me and telling me how much he missed and loved me. We were at a house with all our friends and family. Celebrating his return. Eating ice cream. Joking. Laughing. So normal. Alarm went off. Reality hit. Tears came. Today to say the least has been a bit rough. Actually this month has been rough. I can't believe the 30th will be a whole year since I last talked to him, held his hand, didn't feel so alone, felt normal...I put my rings back on. They are my security blanket and somehow make me feel closer to him. Maybe after the one year passes, I can put them away or make something new. Just not today. Today I'm a grieving widow. Today I feel so alone. Today, I want with everything in me to be normal again with Troy. My "new" normal not the way I pictured my future. A widow at twenty-five after only thirteen short months of marriage. Most girls my age are getting married, engaged, or starting a family. Those amazingly happy moments. I buried a husband. I have a burden of grief that on days like today is too much. I have a hole in my heart and today it is gaping open. I can't see a hope for a future with no tears or happy moments that aren't almost immediately followed by the heaviness of loss.
So not the most encouraging, but truth of my thoughts walking this path chosen for me. I know that my faith is weak tonight. I know my lack of trusting in God's perfect plan is the problem. So if you read this, stop and say a little prayer for all widows that God would continue to increase our faith.
So not the most encouraging, but truth of my thoughts walking this path chosen for me. I know that my faith is weak tonight. I know my lack of trusting in God's perfect plan is the problem. So if you read this, stop and say a little prayer for all widows that God would continue to increase our faith.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Purged to thankfulness and joy!
Wow...it has been quite some time since I've been on here and posted anything. My summer was insanely busy. After Africa, I came back and started working at a camp. So my summer was: Monday-Thursday=camp, Friday=hospital, and weekends=studying for Bible Doctrines. Being busy was a very good thing for me. I loved almost every minute of it;) Camp was an amazing experience. I learned that ministering to others is a huge part of the healing process. I had the amazing opportunity of sharing my testimony with girls each week and talking to them about living life in light of eternity. People asked me if it was hard to share my story each week. The answer is absolutely no. It's nice to share our life so others will remember Troy, but most importantly it reminds me of the amazing things God has done in my life since losing Troy. God taught me so many little lessons over the summer. He also gave me a big a "Ah-Ha" moment during a struggle of wondering if this will ever end. So this blog will be my "Ah-Ha" moment this summer, and then I will do my best to keep better track of my journey;)
Grief is a weird thing, and I know different for every one. For me, I wrestle with the loneliness of singleness again. I miss every little thing that comes with having a husband: holding hands, sitting on the couch cuddling, rolling over in bed, and it being empty, picking up the phone to hear "I love you", not worrying about the bills, on and on I could go. At the beginning of the summer when I shared my testimony, I would say I would do anything to have Troy home except give up the relationship that I have with Christ now. As the summer progressed, I was being shown that I had to let go of Troy. I honestly don't know how to put that into words. I knew he was gone, but the grief I had come to know as my constant companion somehow let me still have a part of him. In a conversation with a friend, they lovingly told me I would have to let go of this grief. This was not an easy thing. What I talk about next, know that it is still a struggle for me, but by His grace(most days) I can say the following revelations are true.
After being talked to about this, I got alone in the mountains with the Lord and meditated on John 14 and 15. I didn't want to leave the mountain without being fully surrendered in a way I had never understood I needed to be. I didn't want to leave saying the words I knew I was supposed to say. I wanted to believe. I needed to be changed. I cried. I prayed. I read. I cried some more. Prayed some more. Here is what I learned...Jesus said "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you." Okay Lord, but I do not feel peaceful. Where is it? A few verses later He says, "If ye loved me, ye would rejoice." Lord that's too much! I say I'm thankful for where you brought me, but to actually rejoice in losing Troy. I can't do that. I do love you, but Lord I can't. Help me! Next chapter Jesus says, "Every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit....Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me. I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing....These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full." This is where the Lord truly opened my eyes. He is with me and I am His child. In order to bring forth fruit, I must be purged. However; I can do nothing with out Him. So here on this mountain top, I realized I must surrender, with His help the grief in order to bear fruit. Here is the very cool thing, by being purged I have joy! Huh, you might be thinking. Allowing Him to purge my life gives way to full joy. Just as He promised! The fruit of the Spirt (love, joy, peace, longsuffering) which I long to have in my life; does not come easily. It is through purging of my will to His perfect one.
My "Ah-Ha" moment led me to change mr previous statement about Troy to the following: I thank the Lord for taking Troy home. I know this is His perfect will. I also know that there is nothing else in the world that would have brought me to my knees like losing Troy. Being on my knees is the perfect place for me to be in order to get to know my amazing Savior. I love Him, I rejoice in Troy's homegoing!
Grief is a weird thing, and I know different for every one. For me, I wrestle with the loneliness of singleness again. I miss every little thing that comes with having a husband: holding hands, sitting on the couch cuddling, rolling over in bed, and it being empty, picking up the phone to hear "I love you", not worrying about the bills, on and on I could go. At the beginning of the summer when I shared my testimony, I would say I would do anything to have Troy home except give up the relationship that I have with Christ now. As the summer progressed, I was being shown that I had to let go of Troy. I honestly don't know how to put that into words. I knew he was gone, but the grief I had come to know as my constant companion somehow let me still have a part of him. In a conversation with a friend, they lovingly told me I would have to let go of this grief. This was not an easy thing. What I talk about next, know that it is still a struggle for me, but by His grace(most days) I can say the following revelations are true.
After being talked to about this, I got alone in the mountains with the Lord and meditated on John 14 and 15. I didn't want to leave the mountain without being fully surrendered in a way I had never understood I needed to be. I didn't want to leave saying the words I knew I was supposed to say. I wanted to believe. I needed to be changed. I cried. I prayed. I read. I cried some more. Prayed some more. Here is what I learned...Jesus said "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you." Okay Lord, but I do not feel peaceful. Where is it? A few verses later He says, "If ye loved me, ye would rejoice." Lord that's too much! I say I'm thankful for where you brought me, but to actually rejoice in losing Troy. I can't do that. I do love you, but Lord I can't. Help me! Next chapter Jesus says, "Every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit....Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me. I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing....These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full." This is where the Lord truly opened my eyes. He is with me and I am His child. In order to bring forth fruit, I must be purged. However; I can do nothing with out Him. So here on this mountain top, I realized I must surrender, with His help the grief in order to bear fruit. Here is the very cool thing, by being purged I have joy! Huh, you might be thinking. Allowing Him to purge my life gives way to full joy. Just as He promised! The fruit of the Spirt (love, joy, peace, longsuffering) which I long to have in my life; does not come easily. It is through purging of my will to His perfect one.
My "Ah-Ha" moment led me to change mr previous statement about Troy to the following: I thank the Lord for taking Troy home. I know this is His perfect will. I also know that there is nothing else in the world that would have brought me to my knees like losing Troy. Being on my knees is the perfect place for me to be in order to get to know my amazing Savior. I love Him, I rejoice in Troy's homegoing!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Africa's Joy
I haven't written in a while, but I do have a good excuse. I was in Africa for almost two weeks. It was a life-changing experience. I am so glad that the Lord opened that door for me. I came home appreciating everything. Especially little things like the toilet;) There were so many different things that I could talk about from this trip, but this blog is about my journey as a widow. So I'm going to focus on that part concerning Africa. Since the accident my views on heaven have been radically changed. For some reason, I had always thought of heaven as an eternal church service, clouds, mass singing....Very dreamlike. Thankfully, a good friend gave me a book that used Scripture to describe heaven. Total transformation in my Christian walk. I came to understand why Paul said "For me to live is Christ and to die is gain." For me, creation has taken on a whole new meaning. I look around on a daily basis and think my God created this. Powerful, creative, all-knowing God made this earth and He loves me. These thoughts just blow my mind. I also think when I see a beautiful scenery that this is just a glimpse of what Troy is experiencing right now. One of the most profound things in Africa for me was the views. The rolling mountains, the clear blue sky, the white clouds touching the mountain tops, the untouched greenery....the most beautiful scenes I have ever seen and that is nothing compared to what Troy is seeing and exploring right now. I often think what new landscape he is awe struck by. If he ever thinks of me, wanting to show me what our amazing Savior has created for us. God has opened my eyes to come and appreciate the wind as a powerful example of Him in my life. It is invisible. I can't see it, but I can see the affects of it on things around me. I can feel it. These thoughts came to me one day sitting at the cemetery. I could see it in the trees and feel it, but I couldn't actually see wind. He created it and His creation is a reflection of His glory. It was a reminder that God is always with me even though I can't see Him. This concept of God never leaving me was most definitely emphasized on this trip. I knew it would take me out of my comfort zone as far as creature comforts, but I hadn't realized what a close support system I had created since the accident. I was with a group who had knew no idea who I was or what my life had been before the accident or even that there was an accident and I had lost my husband. It was very different for me, but in a good way. Because once again it brought me to that realization that God is more than enough. I only had one major breakdown which I consider successful in thirteen days;) It was after three days of clinic. That night I had this dawning realization I hadn't really thought about him for a while. I closed my eyes and I couldn't picture his face. The thoughts of moving on and meeting someone else had also come up. I felt horribly guilty. How could I forget and want to move on so easily? I immediately started crying. Thankfully had a place where I could get alone with God. I poured out my heart to the One who already knew this was coming. I spent a long time in prayer and reading. I was reminded once again of my need to surrender my wants to His will not mine. Reminded that this is His perfect plan. Its amazing the peace that comes when you let go and let Him have everything. As I sat there quietly resting in His peace, a small breeze came through the windows and I was reminded that God is always with me and His love is constantly surrounding me. Such an AMAZING God I serve! I'm reading Elizabeth Elliot's "A Path Through Suffering." Wonderful book and a great thing to read during this trip. The main lesson I have learned and continue to learn is death to self. God is using this suffering to grow and strengthen me. During this painful trial, I must constantly and I do mean constantly die to self. Only then will He be able to refine my life for His glory. She makes a statement "The greatest joy will have come forth out of the greatest sorrow." This is the place where God has brought me eight months after losing my husband. I have such joy in how God is working in my life to bring Him glory. Not that tears don't come, but even in those I know where to go and that He is teaching me something new in my sorrow. The trip taught me many lessons and I will use a quote to sum them up best. "But we never can prove the delights of His love until all on the alter we lay, for the favor He shows and the joy He bestows are for them who will trust and obey."
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Death and Joy
After my realization last weekend of keeping God first place in my life, I heard a message on Sunday re-enforcing this thought. Seeking God with all my heart was what I took home that day. I changed my reading time. Before I turn on the TV or get on the computer, I will do my daily reading. I also started reading other devotional books. Right now reading "Secure in the Everlasting Arms." Love it! I'm trying like Paul says in Ephesians 6 "praying at all times." Constantly talking to Him. God has taught me so many things in the last couple of days. One of the most important lessons I'm learning is patience. My life has changed so dramatically. I keep wanting to know how will God use this? What is my next step? Where is this headed? The answer I've been given is "wait, be still and know that I am God." My ministry, my purpose is right here right now: to serve the Lord at my work, church, friends, and family. I can with His strength honor and glorify Him where I am every day. Laura and I have this analogy of my life. I'm in an airplane cockpit. Right now there is dark clouds every where. Occasionally a ripple of light will show through, but mostly darkness. I read this verse last night "For it is You who light my lamp; the Lord my God lightens my darkness." Another verse "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." Wow, those are some very powerful truths from my Savior. I'm clinging to them because it is so true. I am surrounded in darkness, but the light I do have comes from the Bible. The Bible is such a comfort to my hurting heart. Everything I need or could ever think to need is in this wonderful book. Don't get me wrong. I have the answer to my hurting. Even more basic, how to live my daily life. The problem is the flesh has no desire to do this. It is a constant battle to deny flesh and focus on truth. Tonight was prime example. I was sitting on the couch. Just finished reading and the thought crossed my mind "I want some bubble gum." Well, there is no one here to get it, but me. Okay, Troy, just for the record missing you tonight;) So got in my car. I'm driving along call my good friend Jill. She answers and we talk for a minute. She says they have friends over. I jokingly say "thanks for the invite." She replies "oh you are more than welcome, but its all couples and I didn't think you would want to," Okay (breathe) so in my head I know this is fine. She is right, but that reality of "oh yes I'm not a couple" is sinking in. That little tickle in my throat started. I quickly say "Yes, yes I'm fine. Call me later. Have fun." Tickle going a little higher and my pity party begins. I'm all alone and I have no one to get me gum.(whine) So I call my couch buddy, Laura, because she can commiserate with the whole single thing. Of course, she doesn't answer in my major time of crisis. So I'm crying while driving(super safe I know) and I say "Lord, there is no one else to talk to. So I'm talking to You which is what You really wanted all along. I'm complaining and whining. I know this is wrong, but this is not fair. I don't want to be single. I want someone to go get my gum oh and also yesterday was cinco de mayo and I want a margarita. I know that drinking won't help and neither is my whining right now, but Lord I'm sad" As all this is coming out of my mouth, I'm reminded of what I've been learning this weekend. Truth time. Stop thoughts NOW. Die to self. Focus on what is true and right. This life is not about me, but loving God and others with my whole heart. My favorite verse right now is "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." So reminded the Lord has a plan and right now I'm to serve others and bring glory to His name. The peace and joy that have been slightly lacking the last two weeks are back now. I have truly realized how important spending time with Him is. The Christian life is not easy, but the rewards being stored in heaven are so worth it. Even more importantly my Savior saying, "Well done thou good and faithful servant." I want so badly to hear those words. Conclusion of this little update: daily surrender/death to me and follow Him on a day to day basis. This lesson will be an ongoing one I know;) When He is first, I have joy and peace even in trials. The best part of this trial is He is making me more like His Son. How could I ever question that....
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Despair to Desperation.
I haven't written in a couple of weeks. Honestly I've been seriously struggling. I remember thinking..."How can people say six to nine months is harder?" "I know, I have to have gone through the hardest part." "Plus, I have grown so much spiritually those specific months should not make much of a difference." NOPE! So very wrong. It actually feels harder today then four or five months ago. The reality of my "new normal" keeps hitting me over and over again. The sadness feels like it is smothering me. I can run no where that this heartbreak won't follow. Every time I wake up, go to work, drive in the car, hang out with friends, EVERYTHING I do has this sense of despair/loss hanging around me. The last two weeks have been particularly hard. I think I've cried more these past days than I did the whole month of March. I can't seem to focus my thoughts on truth. No, that isn't even it because I know the truth. I can't seem to trust in them. I haven't been spending as much time in the Word. Doing just the bare minimum. I haven't felt like it. God has felt so far away. I haven't had the energy to pursue Him.
Today, was by far one of the worst. It started off okay. Woke up and got ready. Went to lunch with a friend and talked about Uganda. The day was just rolling along. Then got home and it HIT. What you ask? Really I don't know other than uncontrollable crying. I went into the spare bedroom where Troy's stuff is. Laid on the bed and lost it. Heart wrenching sobs of this reality: He is not coming back and it will most likely be a very long time till I see him again. Where everyone else my age is getting married and having kids. I'm dealing with exact opposite of those happy events. I have really struggled with "this is not fair" and "I'm done. I can NOT do this anymore." I laid in bed crying and crying then finally crying out to God "Where are you? I quit. Do you hear me? I quit. I can't feel this pain anymore. Please take me home too. This is too hard. I can't feel that peace and joy right now. I don't want this path anymore. I hurt. This hurts so much. Too much. Do you hear me?" I finally made it up off the bed and opened the word. What came next, was not this magical moment when everything just disappeared and I knew I could go on. No, what came next was me falling on my knees begging for forgiveness. I came to the startling realization I did not have God first in my life. Some where over the last couple weeks, He went from first to being replaced by yours truly as first. I had let my time with Him slip into a routine. Not something I desperately needed. So He brought me to desperately needing Him. I needed this. To see how easy it is for me to replace Him and to be reminded His strength is made perfect in my weakness. I am still struggling tonight to not cry at the drop of a hat. Every time I feel my emotions raging up, I HAVE to discipline my mind to think on truth. This is not something that is coming easy for me, but I must. These are some of the things that I have been reminded of today and am clinging to with everything I have. His grace is sufficient and I'm begging for it right now. I'm His child and there is NO one who can pluck me out of His hand. He knows exactly how I'm feeling and is holding me in His arms. He is always up to something good in my life: plans for me to prosper. Most importantly, again focused on the cross. His sacrifice demonstrates His amazing, selfless love. How can I question that same God could have made a mistake in this situation. I have peace tonight and my focus has returned heavenward. I am here for a purpose to serve my Father and bring Him glory. This is my prayer....
Today, was by far one of the worst. It started off okay. Woke up and got ready. Went to lunch with a friend and talked about Uganda. The day was just rolling along. Then got home and it HIT. What you ask? Really I don't know other than uncontrollable crying. I went into the spare bedroom where Troy's stuff is. Laid on the bed and lost it. Heart wrenching sobs of this reality: He is not coming back and it will most likely be a very long time till I see him again. Where everyone else my age is getting married and having kids. I'm dealing with exact opposite of those happy events. I have really struggled with "this is not fair" and "I'm done. I can NOT do this anymore." I laid in bed crying and crying then finally crying out to God "Where are you? I quit. Do you hear me? I quit. I can't feel this pain anymore. Please take me home too. This is too hard. I can't feel that peace and joy right now. I don't want this path anymore. I hurt. This hurts so much. Too much. Do you hear me?" I finally made it up off the bed and opened the word. What came next, was not this magical moment when everything just disappeared and I knew I could go on. No, what came next was me falling on my knees begging for forgiveness. I came to the startling realization I did not have God first in my life. Some where over the last couple weeks, He went from first to being replaced by yours truly as first. I had let my time with Him slip into a routine. Not something I desperately needed. So He brought me to desperately needing Him. I needed this. To see how easy it is for me to replace Him and to be reminded His strength is made perfect in my weakness. I am still struggling tonight to not cry at the drop of a hat. Every time I feel my emotions raging up, I HAVE to discipline my mind to think on truth. This is not something that is coming easy for me, but I must. These are some of the things that I have been reminded of today and am clinging to with everything I have. His grace is sufficient and I'm begging for it right now. I'm His child and there is NO one who can pluck me out of His hand. He knows exactly how I'm feeling and is holding me in His arms. He is always up to something good in my life: plans for me to prosper. Most importantly, again focused on the cross. His sacrifice demonstrates His amazing, selfless love. How can I question that same God could have made a mistake in this situation. I have peace tonight and my focus has returned heavenward. I am here for a purpose to serve my Father and bring Him glory. This is my prayer....
Monday, April 19, 2010
Reminder of purpose.
Had a very busy at work today and to be honest had a hard time staying positive. Dreamed about Troy again last night. Seems to be happening quite frequently these days. Its good and bad. Good because in my dream it feels so real. I love being with him, but then I have to wake up. The smack of reality hits and he isn't here. The last couple weeks I have had a harder time keeping my eyes focused upward. I miss him more than words can describe. As the days and weeks and now months have passed that hole seems to be growing bigger. I miss him more today than I did yesterday and yesterday more than the day before that and on and on. You get the picture. I feel more alone now. Don't get me wrong have a great support system. Amazing friends and family, but no one can take the place of Troy. No one knows exactly what I'm feeling or what every day is like with out him. Lonely. I also miss having my husband. Being married I knew Troy always loved me. Even with our ups and downs he always told me he loved me. I always felt beautiful with him. He made sure I knew that when I said "ugh feeling fat or blah" I had lost my mind because he thought I was gorgeous. I miss feeling that security having my husband gave. Now there isn't that person to tell me I love you or you look pretty today. Again lonely. I came home today and went into the spare bedroom where his stuff is. I got his bike jacket that he wore every day the last being the day of the accident and just put my face in it to smell the leather. I wanted to so badly to remember how it felt when he came home wearing that. I just sat there and sobbed. Usually when I cry I talk to him or pray, but not today. Just sobbed holding on to his jacket. Then sat up and wrapped the arms of the jacket around me as if somehow it would feel like he was holding me. I am so looking forward to the day when my sorrow is gone and my tears are wiped away. I have a hard time with thoughts of being here. Please don't get me wrong not suicidal. Just thoughts of "Lord, how much longer till it's my time to come home?" or "when are you coming back?" I had read a while back this passage, but was reminded Sunday of the story of the demon possessed man. Jesus came and cast out the demons and he was in his right mind sitting with Jesus learning from Him. The time came for Jesus to continue on and the man begged to continue following and learning. Jesus response was "Return to your home, and declare how much God has done for you." I very much needed this reminder. God has given me this amazing opportunity to share how much He has done for me. One day He will wipe away my tears and oh how I long to hear from Him "well done thou good and faithful servant." That however, is not today. Today, I'm to tell of His amazing love and sufficient grace. Which is exactly how my night is ending. My tears from earlier are dried. The pain is still there, but the peace that passeth all understanding has been given and for that I praise my heavenly Father. Once again, I'm experiencing His grace in my weakness. I love my Savior so! Now off to read some more and spend time talking to the One who truly does understand each and every emotion I'm feeling these days....
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Dream and a new emotion.
Spent some time at the cemetery today. Not exactly how I pictured my future. I dreamed about Troy last night. I knew in my dream that I was dreaming so I was savoring every moment. Every kiss meant so much and holding his hand was wonderful. I couldn't get enough of him. I wanted every second to be next to him. I had so much I wanted to talk about with him. Everything was perfect. Needless to say I didn't want to wake up, but I did. Reality hit and I started crying. Yes, not the most enjoyable way to wake up. So this afternoon went to the cemetery to talk to him. I know he is not there, but for me it's the closest I can get to him. It brings a little bit of comfort. We had a nice one-sided conversation;) Oh, for the day when I will be able to hear his voice again. Can't wait!!! Today, however; is not that day. So once again, I must open my truth box and re-direct my thoughts towards my Savior. I'm learning a lot about life being a marathon not a sprint. Its a difficult thought knowing that when it comes to Troy I will always be sad knowing I can't talk to him and that he is gone. Overwhelming! The crying seems to be happening a bit more these days. Not for long, but somehow almost every day I cry about something to do with him. I'm so thankful I know truth. I can't imagine how much more difficult this would be without it. I also feel a little bit guilty. Let me attempt to explain that. I know logically it makes no sense, but I feel like maybe I shouldn't still be crying. It has been six months. I feel bad bringing up my sadness about him. Like people are sick of me talking about it. I don't want to make people feel bad, but sometimes need to express what I'm thinking or feeling. Afterwards, I think maybe they are tired of hearing it. I don't want to sound like a broken record. I know other people are going through things in life. My loss is not greater or more important than others. This might not make a lot of sense, but something I'm struggling with in this thing we call grieving. On a brighter note, I'm going to Uganda in less than a month. I'm very excited about this trip. Scared out of my mind, but excited. Its a medical mission trip and I can't wait to see what the Lord has planned for me and those we will be ministering to. It is amazing to look back on the last six months and see how far God has brought me. His love and grace blows my mind. If you had told me six months ago that I would be going to Uganda or even tell me that I would be living surrendered to God with such joy and peace, I would stare at you with a look of "you have lost your mind that could NEVER happen for/to me." God does work miracles. Walking example right here:)
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Random thoughts.
A lot in my life has changed over the last six months. That's pretty obvious. One of them being my random thinking. My couch buddies get to hear most of the off the wall things I come up with, but thought I would share some of them on here. I've been thinking about death a lot. Yes, I know that would seem logical sense my life was turned upside down by it, but lately its been a bit different. I was watching tv the other day. The thought this girl in this random commercial will die one day. What will this moment of fame even mean? Nothing. Everyone is going to die. Do you ever really think about that? Not morbidly, but the thought we are going to die. Every person we talk to or see will die. Why doesn't our world think about this thought more? Why don't people question more? If I was thinking the way I am right now and didn't have the answer to eternity, I would want be terrified. Why aren't people thinking about it? Its the only certain thing about this life. Why don't I share the gospel more? It's such a convicting thought. So then I go from thinking that yes I'm going to die to that moment. That moment when I open my eyes for the first time in heaven. What will it be like? What will I see? How will I feel? Will I be scared, ecstatic, shocked? The thought just blows my mind. Then the thought of forever well can't wrap my head around it. I feel like six months has been forever. This is a vapor. What will it be like to see God face to face? God who is so big. He created our earth which is so tiny in this galaxy. It makes my head hurt to think of how big He is. I will come face to face with Him. I will see Jesus face to face. Will I fall on my face in worship? Will I give Him a huge hug? Will I slowly walk around in wonder or will I be running with overwheleming joy? Next thoughts go to... What is Troy doing right now? Who is he talking to? He died so young. The majority of his friends and family are still here. Does he miss us? Does he see us? How long does it feel like to him? What is he learning right now? What is he looking at right now? So these are just a few of my many random thoughts. Hope I didn't terrify anyone too much;)
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Six months and the rings.
I survived the six month anniversary. It was a...well... a good day despite the bad reason we were having it. Mom and I went to the spa in the morning and that was a wonderful time of relaxation. I believe that Troy wanted me to do that;) Then afterwards I went to the rock garden where Troy proposed. It was the first time I've been back since that day. I know it was a little bit dramatic, but I figured it was the best place to take off my rings. So I stood in the middle of the bridge where he had proposed. I was crying and talking quietly to him. I know the people passing by were whispering to their children "don't talk to that crazy lady over there; keep walking" ;) I expected to be sad, but I didn't expect to feel like I was betraying him. I sat there crying telling him "I'm so sorry." "I didn't want to move on, but I needed to." (A little side note: moving on is what you say after a bad break up. Not when you lose someone. Doesn't really feel right saying that now, but there doesn't seem to be another phrase that works. So guess that is the best thing to describe the steps I'm taking these days.) "I love him and would never forget him, but I needed to do this." If I had any hope of him coming back. Any chance that he was not gone, I would wait. But I was there when he died. I held his lifeless hand. I laid on his chest and listened as there was no heartbeat. I kissed his cold lips. I know he is not coming back. So betrayal was the emotion flooding through me that day. It has been a strange feeling not wearing them. I don't like it, but again God's grace is sufficient. That night our friends and family went to the cemetery and had a time of testimony and worship. It was a beautiful thing to see how much every one's life has been changed by Troy's death. Six months. Some days seem like a lifetime. Then other days, it seems so much in my life has changed dramatically in a short period. I could stand at husband's gravestone and honestly express such thankfulness in the power of our Savior. His grace IS sufficient. His love IS overwhelming. His arms ARE upholding me. He IS all that I need.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sad thoughts.
Tomorrow marks six months and it has been a very rough couple days. I'm struggling to keep my focus on the hope and love I've been clinging to these past months. This may not be the most positive blog, but trying to keep things honest during this journey. So here it is...I'm tired as you all know and right now getting my focus heavenward seems to be the most difficult thing to do. I just want to sit here and cry. I constantly feel on the edge of tears today, yesterday, the day before. You get the idea. Broke down crying in the middle of church twice yesterday. Cried on my way home from work. Sitting here on the couch wanting to cry. So much emotion is going through me and I'm so overwhelmed. Some days you have to choose to trust and obey. Even when you are not feeling anything, but depression. This is exactly where I am right now. I know what I'm supposed to do: read and pray. However; I don't feel like doing that. I don't want to trust. I don't want to obey. Agh! So very wrong thinking. I know even typing this that I will get off and do what I know is right because otherwise this slight hole of depression will turn into a major cavity of despair. I don't want tomorrow to happen. I don't want it to be six months that I haven't talked, seen, touched, or heard him. My heart feels broken all over again. The pain is like a part of me is being torn apart leaving me with a missing piece. A gaping hole in my heart...Okay so not the most uplifting one, but honest. Thankfully I know that God will hold me up. So going to go read now....
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