Monday, August 23, 2010

Purged to thankfulness and joy! has been quite some time since I've been on here and posted anything. My summer was insanely busy. After Africa, I came back and started working at a camp. So my summer was: Monday-Thursday=camp, Friday=hospital, and weekends=studying for Bible Doctrines. Being busy was a very good thing for me. I loved almost every minute of it;) Camp was an amazing experience. I learned that ministering to others is a huge part of the healing process. I had the amazing opportunity of sharing my testimony with girls each week and talking to them about living life in light of eternity. People asked me if it was hard to share my story each week. The answer is absolutely no. It's nice to share our life so others will remember Troy, but most importantly it reminds me of the amazing things God has done in my life since losing Troy. God taught me so many little lessons over the summer. He also gave me a big a "Ah-Ha" moment during a struggle of wondering if this will ever end. So this blog will be my "Ah-Ha" moment this summer, and then I will do my best to keep better track of my journey;)
Grief is a weird thing, and I know different for every one. For me, I wrestle with the loneliness of singleness again. I miss every little thing that comes with having a husband: holding hands, sitting on the couch cuddling, rolling over in bed, and it being empty, picking up the phone to hear "I love you", not worrying about the bills, on and on I could go. At the beginning of the summer when I shared my testimony, I would say I would do anything to have Troy home except give up the relationship that I have with Christ now. As the summer progressed, I was being shown that I had to let go of Troy. I honestly don't know how to put that into words. I knew he was gone, but the grief I had come to know as my constant companion somehow let me still have a part of him. In a conversation with a friend, they lovingly told me I would have to let go of this grief. This was not an easy thing. What I talk about next, know that it is still a struggle for me, but by His grace(most days) I can say the following revelations are true.
After being talked to about this, I got alone in the mountains with the Lord and meditated on John 14 and 15. I didn't want to leave the mountain without being fully surrendered in a way I had never understood I needed to be. I didn't want to leave saying the words I knew I was supposed to say. I wanted to believe. I needed to be changed. I cried. I prayed. I read. I cried some more. Prayed some more. Here is what I learned...Jesus said "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you." Okay Lord, but I do not feel peaceful. Where is it? A few verses later He says, "If ye loved me, ye would rejoice." Lord that's too much! I say I'm thankful for where you brought me, but to actually rejoice in losing Troy. I can't do that. I do love you, but Lord I can't. Help me! Next chapter Jesus says, "Every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit....Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me. I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing....These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full." This is where the Lord truly opened my eyes. He is with me and I am His child. In order to bring forth fruit, I must be purged. However; I can do nothing with out Him. So here on this mountain top, I realized I must surrender, with His help the grief in order to bear fruit. Here is the very cool thing, by being purged I have joy! Huh, you might be thinking. Allowing Him to purge my life gives way to full joy. Just as He promised! The fruit of the Spirt (love, joy, peace, longsuffering) which I long to have in my life; does not come easily. It is through purging of my will to His perfect one.
My "Ah-Ha" moment led me to change mr previous statement about Troy to the following: I thank the Lord for taking Troy home. I know this is His perfect will. I also know that there is nothing else in the world that would have brought me to my knees like losing Troy. Being on my knees is the perfect place for me to be in order to get to know my amazing Savior. I love Him, I rejoice in Troy's homegoing!