Monday, March 29, 2010

Sad thoughts.

Tomorrow marks six months and it has been a very rough couple days. I'm struggling to keep my focus on the hope and love I've been clinging to these past months. This may not be the most positive blog, but trying to keep things honest during this journey. So here it is...I'm tired as you all know and right now getting my focus heavenward seems to be the most difficult thing to do. I just want to sit here and cry. I constantly feel on the edge of tears today, yesterday, the day before. You get the idea. Broke down crying in the middle of church twice yesterday. Cried on my way home from work. Sitting here on the couch wanting to cry. So much emotion is going through me and I'm so overwhelmed. Some days you have to choose to trust and obey. Even when you are not feeling anything, but depression. This is exactly where I am right now. I know what I'm supposed to do: read and pray. However; I don't feel like doing that. I don't want to trust. I don't want to obey. Agh! So very wrong thinking. I know even typing this that I will get off and do what I know is right because otherwise this slight hole of depression will turn into a major cavity of despair. I don't want tomorrow to happen. I don't want it to be six months that I haven't talked, seen, touched, or heard him. My heart feels broken all over again. The pain is like a part of me is being torn apart leaving me with a missing piece. A gaping hole in my heart...Okay so not the most uplifting one, but honest. Thankfully I know that God will hold me up. So going to go read now....

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Exhausted emotions and my God of endurance.

The scary big six month anniversary is coming up next week and it has been a rough couple of days. People have told me that six to nine months are hard and are like the beginning grieving process all over again. Those statements were hard to hear and slightly terrifying to face. I don't know how everyone else feels around this time, but I will try and put my emotions into words. This might seem easy, but to be honest it's really hard to try and explain. However; I will do my best. One of the most noticeable emotions I feel lately is exhausted. I'm tired of crying. Who knew you could cry this much in six months. I'm tired of being alone. I hate going to bed alone and the companionship of having that special person to share everything with is gone. I'm tired of having to pay the bills alone and worry about money by myself. I'm tired of stupid things like taking the trash out or driving everywhere or just walking around by myself. Saying I miss Troy is not a strong enough word. There is a hole in my heart that doesn't feel like it will ever close and seems to re-open every time I see a couple holding hands. There is also this feeling of finality. I know I will see him again and trust me I hold to that thought every day, but we will never have the chance to live this life again. I will never be married to him again or have kids with him or sit on the couch and cuddle again. I seem to be crying more these days because the sense of loss has become so much more permanent in this life. I want my best friend back to just talk. I'm going through so much and he is the one I want so bad to talk to. Although, if he was here most of this wouldn't be happening;) I've been saying that at six months I would take off my wedding rings. I was at the cemetery on Saturday talking to Troy and realized why I'm struggling so much with this decision. I don't want to not be married to him anymore. When I take them off, its this major sign to the world "no longer married." I hate it and tears automatically follow. A broken heart is also not strong enough to describe the pain that comes with this type of loss. So I guess the best words that describe these upcoming months are exhaustive and final. However; God has been teaching me these last couple days a lot about His strength which I'm very much in need of on a daily basis. Reading through the Psalms, I've seen the strength of my God. His deliverance of His people time and time again. His amazing creation is a daily reminder of his power. "God is the strength of my heart" I read last night in Nehemiah "the joy of the Lord is your strength." My joy the last couple of days hasn't exactly been radiating through. I realized last night that my strength in this situation comes from joy in my Savior. Then I read 1 Corinthians and Paul talks about us being blameless before God because of the cross. A little side note: I just love how the Bible constantly pulls things together. I read something in the OT and then read something in the NT and it all fits. God's living word just blows my mind. So I'm learning again to remember the joy of my salvation because in that my strength for this season will be given by God. " For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus." Such encouraging statements: His word is for my endurance and hope and my God is the God of endurance and encouragement. Just the things I needed to remind me even through these next months of new emotions; He knows exactly what I need.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Lonely heart and God's love.

Finally the last two days at work we actually had patients having babies. Thank you, Lord! Its been a while since we have had a floor full of patients laboring. Which has put everyone a little on edge to say the least. Not really what I wanted to talk about, but just a little update on my life outside the grieving and growing. Last week was the opera that Todd and Tamra were in: Samson and Delilah. My mom and I went (maybe you should sit down as you read this), but I truly enjoyed it. It was such a good, emotional story of betrayal and redemption. Thank goodness for subtitles otherwise probably wouldn't have worked out well for us since it was in French. We no speak the French. So we would have had no idea what was going on. After the opera, we got special VIP privileges to go backstage to the green room because we were family ;) So standing back there with all of Troy's family and I look over to Todd and Lorna. After a very long day, Lorna wasn't feeling very well and Todd was being such a sweet husband: telling her he loved her and holding her close and well his eyes and tone of voice just radiated his love and need to make sure she was okay. As you can guess where I'm going with this, my inner struggle with jealousy was raging its ugly head. I knew I was wrong, but I missed my husband so much. I came home and prayed for forgiveness for wrong thinking. Begging God to please heal my heart and help me. I felt so alone and I missed Troy. I just wanted to feel loved and secure in his arms again. My Savior heard my prayer. I opened my Bible to do my daily reading and that night was Psalm 68. "Protector of widows is God" "Okay Lord, You are the One who is holding me tight making me feel secure. Thank you, I needed this so much tonight. I know Your will is perfect and even through my breaking heart You are protecting me" That was a wonderful truth, but the best was yet to come. The next night I'm sitting down reading through a book about God's name. The chapter I was reading was talking about the Lord being my shepherd. I read a book a while back on a shepherd's perspective on Psalm 23. The book allowed me to have a better understanding of how the shepherd/sheep relationship works. Sheep are stupid, can't take care of themselves, will easily go the wrong way, can't find good food, and on and on I could go. The basic idea is the are completely and totally dependent on their shepherd. If you see a good flock of sheep, they have a shepherd who cares. If you see sick and poor looking sheep, they have a shepherd who lacks the skills or doesn't care about the flock. Can you see how much that reflects us. We honestly can't do anything on our own. We often get distracted, go off the path, and end up stuck needing to be rescued. So this picture of sheep, I can totally relate to. I need help to get out of bed most days. Okay back to feeling pretty lonely and desperately wanting to be loved. Thinking in my head if only Troy was here I wouldn't be feeling these things and I start reading about the Lord being my Shepherd. I read John 10. The Lord used this chapter to open my eyes to how much He loves me. How important I am to Him. Just take a second and think about these thoughts: "The sheep hear His voice, and He calls His own sheep by name and leads them out" "I came that they may have life and have it abundantly" "I am the good Shepherd. The good Shepherd lays down His life for the sheep" "I am the good Shepherd. I know My own and My own know Me" "My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me." "I give them eternal life...and no one will snatch them out of My hand." Wow, even just re-reading this is so comforting. So that night when I read this, there is no way to exactly explain it other than I could actually feel my Savior's love for me; surrounding me in a way that I've never felt before. Such security is in this chapter: knowing Jesus my Shepherd knows me and I know Him and there is absolutely NOTHING that can take me out of His hand. He laid down His life for me there is no greater love that this. It seems that my missing Troy is increasing day by day, but through that God's love is shining through more and more. He loves us more than we can wrap our heads around. Such a powerful truth if we truly believe it. His love will change our lives!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

God's perfect timing.

Its been a very busy couple of days so haven't had much time to write anything. Troy's family was in town this week so I able to spend a lot of time with them. I have come to love them all so much. Another one of those things that is easily taken for granted in-laws, but mine have become a very important part of my life. I've been learning a lot about God's perfect timing these last weeks. The accident would never had been perfect timing for me, but it has been a huge struggle for why it happened that specific day. God has allowed me to see these last couple of months some of why it happened then. Let me take you back a couple of months to that time in my life. I was not living with God at the center of my life at all. The week of the accident Troy and I were fighting over some issues that I was selfishly hanging on to. Not a day goes by that I do not regret my choices, but God's forgiveness is truly amazing. I know Troy is in heaven rejoicing to see how far God has brought me. I say these things for two reasons. First there is nothing that God can not overcome and bring victory into someone's life. I'm a living example of that. Second to God's perfect timing. I have struggled with "Lord, why couldn't you have waited till we made up?" "Why couldn't You have let us grow closer to You together first?" The answer is simply "His ways are perfect." I have been able to see the timing part in a couple of ways in my life. The first being that because I wasn't close to the Lord at the time of the accident. I really struggled with somehow this was my fault, but never had the thoughts of anger towards God for taking him. I look back and had Troy and I been growing in the Lord, I know that it would have been very easy for me to react with anger immediately after the accident. That I believe would have been much harder place for me to come out of to the realization of my need to surrender. Instead of any anger, just utter despair and guilt. I'm thankful though because through those feelings God opened my eyes to realize just how much I needed Him. (No worries, I also know now that this wasn't my fault. Regardless of how I was living September 30th was Troy's time to go home) Okay second to God's perfect timing: finances. At the time of the accident, Troy and I lived pay check to pay check as most young married people do. I had no idea how much a funeral would cost. I defintely was not stable enough to work. Our noraml bills were still coming in. As you can imagine, I was wondering how all this was going to work, but I didn't need to worry because God was working things out. I can not tell you how many people generously gave me money the first two months. Some I had never even met. The most noticeable thing that reflects God's perfect timing is how my co-workers came together to help me out financially. They donated PTO which allowed me to receive a paycheck for the first almost two months. I had several co-workers pick up a shift and then send me the money from that day. The support and love was overwheleming. My job today is a little more unstable. Our deliveries are down and no one is working their normal hours. If the accident were to have happened now, no one would have been able to help. Not from lack of want to help I know, but they wouldn't have had the ability to provide like they did almost six months ago. The Lord has provided more that I could have ever imagined. I know I can rest securely in Him. He will always give me what I need. So these are some insights the Lord has allowed me to see in why that day five months ago. It has also been so amazing to look back and see how far the Lord has brought me. I truly rejoice that the Lord has given me a second chance to live my life for Him and make decisions in light of eternity.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

The little things taken for granted and unexplainable joy.

Last night I was laying in bed staring at Troy's side and started talking to him. I don't hear any voices in response. So I think it's pretty safe to assume I'm not crazy. I was laying there with my hand on his pillow telling him all the things I missed. The little things. Those things you take for granted on a daily basis. The things you wouldn't think about until it's gone. So it went something like this...."I miss you, Troy. I wish you were here. I miss walking down the street and being able to grab your hand. I miss random kisses. I miss putting my cold feet in between your legs (I swear his core body temp was ten degrees warmer than mine). I miss you putting your arm around me when we were sitting somewhere public. I miss you holding the hymnal at church. I miss you always driving and getting the gas. I miss hearing 'I'm beautiful' and 'I love you.' I miss feeling protected and safe in your arms. I want to hold your face in my hands and just stare in your eyes with no thought to time. I want to hear you laugh. I miss riding the bike with you. I promise I would go wherever you wanted right now just to see you. Troy, I miss you so much" At this point, I'm obviously crying while I talk to him. I share all of this because what I'm going to talk about next makes no sense in our human minds, but it's so true....

I'm the most joyful I have ever been. I finished talking to him and turned over and started crying out to my God about my broken heart. Awww such peace. I'm going to do my best to explain this joy, but unless you have experienced it, words I know can't accurately describe why I'm smiling. As my pastor said on Sunday, "Joy is the secret of the kingdom." Not that we don't want to share. Its just next to impossible to describe. I have been learning so much about my Savior. It constantly brings peace and a smile to my face. Even right now thinking about the last couple of days, I can't help but smile. Saturday night I was sitting with my couch buddies going over our Bible study for that week, and I was like a giddy school girl. I was so excited about the things God has been teaching me, and how much it is changing my life. I always used to think that all those commands in the Bible were there to ruin my fun. Oh, how wrong I was. In obeying them, He blesses more than I can describe. I just want to learn more and more. I'm reading a new book called "Crazy Love." It has so many things that make me stop and think about God. The God who created this world loves me. How amazing is that! I'm no one special just an average girl whose life has been turned upside down, but in the midst of all this I'm getting to see God do amazing things in my life. I've become more aware since Troy's death of eternal value, but even more in reading this book. I'm so challenged to be living my life for Christ. He loves me so much! Why wouldn't I want to live completely surrendered to His will. Why aren't all of us who know truth walking around with smiles on our faces. We have the best gift ever. I heard a sermon a while back, and he said this in reference to the thought of why aren't we smiling. "I've read the book. I know how it ends. WE WIN!" I loved it. So true. God is constantly restoring the joy of my salvation. Have you ever stopped and thought about God's word. It truly is a living book. Every time I read it, God opens my eyes to something new. What book, movie, or tv show can you constantly watch over and over and still see something new. Nope, there is nothing. But God's word is just that. Are you smiling with me yet? God has given us so much to be thankful for. His blessings surround us every day by just being able to wake up, breathe, or our heart beating. His beautiful creation for me to just sit and stare in wonder at how powerful He is. Joy, just pure absolute joy, bubbling up from inside. I love my Lord more and more every day. My Savior loves me! What else do I need....Nothing:)