Thursday, December 9, 2010
After the year, I wanted everything to be fixed. I didn't want to cry, hurt, miss, feel alone anymore. I thought okay year complete now time to move on. Here is where the honest part comes to play...In my head, moving on meant meet someone else. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want a family. Somehow also figured in meeting someone else that new relationship would somehow replace Troy and the hurt that is constantly there. I haven't typed these thoughts for a variety of reasons. I don't want anyone to think I don't love Troy. If I ever date again, that person to think they are a replacement. I don't want to sound like I'm moving too fast. I don't want to hurt family or friends. Don't want anyone to think not ready to date by reading this. A lot of thinking has been involved in case you missed it ;) I feel a little bit crazy. I often wonder if I am going nuts. Is all these varying emotions normal? Can I still love and miss someone yet also feel ready to meet someone new?...Point of all of this is the last month after the one year I just didn't want to think about Troy at all. I was ready for the next step. God show me the next step....
Thanksgiving came and during the praise service at church the Lord really opened my eyes to say "Sarah, stop fighting!" I had been fighting everything to do with Troy. I had pushed all my feelings and thoughts through a door then closed and locked it. I didn't want to grieve anymore. I assumed that if I still mourned over Troy I would never have the chance to meet anyone else. God was telling me to let go of my ideas once again! Its okay to grieve as long as I don't wallow. When the next step comes, God will work out all the little details.
December has come and the grieving is no joke these days. Can't turn it off if I wanted to. Christmas and my birthday apparently bring the grieving on at full speed. Right now I really want to find the control switch! Confession...I stopped trusting. I did what I was supposed to because I was supposed to do them, but didn't believe in it. I stopped trusting that God was working out for my good because all I could feel was sadness and loneliness. Again I was rebuked, faith is not based on feelings. My Christian walk is certainly not based on feelings. Faith is not by sight, but following, trusting that God is in complete control of our unknown. I sit here today trusting. I don't always understand, but I do now that Jesus has promised to never leave me. I'm never alone. I love the poem about the footprints in the sand. Can't wait for the day on the other side and see how often those footprints in the sand will only be one set as He was carrying me through. I read a while back in Psalms 77:19 "Your way was through the sea, your path through the great waters; yet your footprints were unseen." This is one of the many promises I'm holding onto these days. He is there even when I don't see.
I don't always understand. I want to plan and figure it out NOW ;) God says "Be still and know that I am God." This means don't plan and try to work things out. Just trust ME! Walking by faith not by sight especially this month...My God is good always:)
Sunday, October 10, 2010
I have returned from the reflecting. I have closed that door. The mask of numbness is placed back on. I try not to think about him and what could have been. The numbness is my protection. I keep it close. I know others want to talk, remember, laugh about old times. I want to forget. I don't want to forget. You see where this grief has so many degrees. I remember thinking at one month there is no possible way I can do another eleven of these. I have. Grace. Tons of grace. I dare not end the blog on this note. I have so much to be thankful for. I've been blessed beyond measure. I've been reminded the last two days of where I must remain: at the cross. The future path I can not see. It is dark and foggy. I do have light for each step though. The Word. It lights my path just enough to take the next step. I remain (especially these days) on my knees staring at the rugged cross. That love...that sacrifice...that is my hope! I may stay numb when it comes to thinking about Troy for my heart's sake. However; I do rejoice and take comfort in My Savior. I realize this may sound a bit contradictory, but the loss of your other half will never this side of heaven make complete sense to me. Hence; the varying "masks" (as my sweet friend has put it) I have at the one year mark.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
So not the most encouraging, but truth of my thoughts walking this path chosen for me. I know that my faith is weak tonight. I know my lack of trusting in God's perfect plan is the problem. So if you read this, stop and say a little prayer for all widows that God would continue to increase our faith.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Grief is a weird thing, and I know different for every one. For me, I wrestle with the loneliness of singleness again. I miss every little thing that comes with having a husband: holding hands, sitting on the couch cuddling, rolling over in bed, and it being empty, picking up the phone to hear "I love you", not worrying about the bills, on and on I could go. At the beginning of the summer when I shared my testimony, I would say I would do anything to have Troy home except give up the relationship that I have with Christ now. As the summer progressed, I was being shown that I had to let go of Troy. I honestly don't know how to put that into words. I knew he was gone, but the grief I had come to know as my constant companion somehow let me still have a part of him. In a conversation with a friend, they lovingly told me I would have to let go of this grief. This was not an easy thing. What I talk about next, know that it is still a struggle for me, but by His grace(most days) I can say the following revelations are true.
After being talked to about this, I got alone in the mountains with the Lord and meditated on John 14 and 15. I didn't want to leave the mountain without being fully surrendered in a way I had never understood I needed to be. I didn't want to leave saying the words I knew I was supposed to say. I wanted to believe. I needed to be changed. I cried. I prayed. I read. I cried some more. Prayed some more. Here is what I learned...Jesus said "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you." Okay Lord, but I do not feel peaceful. Where is it? A few verses later He says, "If ye loved me, ye would rejoice." Lord that's too much! I say I'm thankful for where you brought me, but to actually rejoice in losing Troy. I can't do that. I do love you, but Lord I can't. Help me! Next chapter Jesus says, "Every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit....Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me. I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing....These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full." This is where the Lord truly opened my eyes. He is with me and I am His child. In order to bring forth fruit, I must be purged. However; I can do nothing with out Him. So here on this mountain top, I realized I must surrender, with His help the grief in order to bear fruit. Here is the very cool thing, by being purged I have joy! Huh, you might be thinking. Allowing Him to purge my life gives way to full joy. Just as He promised! The fruit of the Spirt (love, joy, peace, longsuffering) which I long to have in my life; does not come easily. It is through purging of my will to His perfect one.
My "Ah-Ha" moment led me to change mr previous statement about Troy to the following: I thank the Lord for taking Troy home. I know this is His perfect will. I also know that there is nothing else in the world that would have brought me to my knees like losing Troy. Being on my knees is the perfect place for me to be in order to get to know my amazing Savior. I love Him, I rejoice in Troy's homegoing!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Today, was by far one of the worst. It started off okay. Woke up and got ready. Went to lunch with a friend and talked about Uganda. The day was just rolling along. Then got home and it HIT. What you ask? Really I don't know other than uncontrollable crying. I went into the spare bedroom where Troy's stuff is. Laid on the bed and lost it. Heart wrenching sobs of this reality: He is not coming back and it will most likely be a very long time till I see him again. Where everyone else my age is getting married and having kids. I'm dealing with exact opposite of those happy events. I have really struggled with "this is not fair" and "I'm done. I can NOT do this anymore." I laid in bed crying and crying then finally crying out to God "Where are you? I quit. Do you hear me? I quit. I can't feel this pain anymore. Please take me home too. This is too hard. I can't feel that peace and joy right now. I don't want this path anymore. I hurt. This hurts so much. Too much. Do you hear me?" I finally made it up off the bed and opened the word. What came next, was not this magical moment when everything just disappeared and I knew I could go on. No, what came next was me falling on my knees begging for forgiveness. I came to the startling realization I did not have God first in my life. Some where over the last couple weeks, He went from first to being replaced by yours truly as first. I had let my time with Him slip into a routine. Not something I desperately needed. So He brought me to desperately needing Him. I needed this. To see how easy it is for me to replace Him and to be reminded His strength is made perfect in my weakness. I am still struggling tonight to not cry at the drop of a hat. Every time I feel my emotions raging up, I HAVE to discipline my mind to think on truth. This is not something that is coming easy for me, but I must. These are some of the things that I have been reminded of today and am clinging to with everything I have. His grace is sufficient and I'm begging for it right now. I'm His child and there is NO one who can pluck me out of His hand. He knows exactly how I'm feeling and is holding me in His arms. He is always up to something good in my life: plans for me to prosper. Most importantly, again focused on the cross. His sacrifice demonstrates His amazing, selfless love. How can I question that same God could have made a mistake in this situation. I have peace tonight and my focus has returned heavenward. I am here for a purpose to serve my Father and bring Him glory. This is my prayer....
Monday, April 19, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
I'm the most joyful I have ever been. I finished talking to him and turned over and started crying out to my God about my broken heart. Awww such peace. I'm going to do my best to explain this joy, but unless you have experienced it, words I know can't accurately describe why I'm smiling. As my pastor said on Sunday, "Joy is the secret of the kingdom." Not that we don't want to share. Its just next to impossible to describe. I have been learning so much about my Savior. It constantly brings peace and a smile to my face. Even right now thinking about the last couple of days, I can't help but smile. Saturday night I was sitting with my couch buddies going over our Bible study for that week, and I was like a giddy school girl. I was so excited about the things God has been teaching me, and how much it is changing my life. I always used to think that all those commands in the Bible were there to ruin my fun. Oh, how wrong I was. In obeying them, He blesses more than I can describe. I just want to learn more and more. I'm reading a new book called "Crazy Love." It has so many things that make me stop and think about God. The God who created this world loves me. How amazing is that! I'm no one special just an average girl whose life has been turned upside down, but in the midst of all this I'm getting to see God do amazing things in my life. I've become more aware since Troy's death of eternal value, but even more in reading this book. I'm so challenged to be living my life for Christ. He loves me so much! Why wouldn't I want to live completely surrendered to His will. Why aren't all of us who know truth walking around with smiles on our faces. We have the best gift ever. I heard a sermon a while back, and he said this in reference to the thought of why aren't we smiling. "I've read the book. I know how it ends. WE WIN!" I loved it. So true. God is constantly restoring the joy of my salvation. Have you ever stopped and thought about God's word. It truly is a living book. Every time I read it, God opens my eyes to something new. What book, movie, or tv show can you constantly watch over and over and still see something new. Nope, there is nothing. But God's word is just that. Are you smiling with me yet? God has given us so much to be thankful for. His blessings surround us every day by just being able to wake up, breathe, or our heart beating. His beautiful creation for me to just sit and stare in wonder at how powerful He is. Joy, just pure absolute joy, bubbling up from inside. I love my Lord more and more every day. My Savior loves me! What else do I need....Nothing:)
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Anyways back to sitting on the couch thinking how good my God is. I read last night this verse Psalm 57:2 "I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills His purpose for me." How encouraging is that verse. Added that to my truth box: "remembering that God will fulfill His purposes in my life." He has never left my side and has already worked out so many things. I sometimes get frustrated with the thoughts that "I'm so tired of grieving." People say "its only been five months", but have you ever stopped and thought about that statement. Five months of being heartbroken is a LONG time. When I think about it in my head without truth, I feel completely overwhelmed that I will never be happy again. Don't get me wrong I have peace and joy that I would not trade for anything, but I'm still sad every day. I read that verse last night and knew that God would keep His promises. He will continue to heal my broken heart. I know one day I won't feel sad every day. Looking forward to that day in some ways, but also scared because I already feel like I'm forgetting what our life was like together. I had that exact moment last night. I was sitting in the spare bedroom with all his stuff and realizing that I'm now used to him not being here. I really don't like it, but it's true. I'm living my life with out him. It's getting harder for me to remember what it was like to live with him. It was such a short period of my life. Thirteen months was not long enough. Some days it feels like a dream. I know I will NEVER forget him or stop loving him, but slowly as my heart heals things are changing. It's a scary new territory I'm entering into these days. Then I read that verse and know peace. My WHOLE life is in God's hands and He will fulfill His purpose. Thank you, Lord!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
I was reading today in Genesis about Joseph and something really stood out to me. When Pharaoh called for Joseph to interpret his dream, Joseph said, "It is not in me; God will give..." It was a reminder to me that God is the one who has done everything in my life. I made a comment today that I survived yesterday, but the truth is God helped me survive yesterday. Everything that I have and do is because of Him. God is so good. Also been reading Romans 6 and I absolutely love this chapter. God has opened up my eyes so much to see the truth in this chapter. We are free from sin because Christ took it for us on the cross. He also conquered death on the cross. What amazing thoughts! Paul explains speaking in human terms we are slaves to something either slaves to sin which leads to more sin and eventually to death or slaves to righteousness which leads to sanctification/eternal life. I remember hearing off and on all my life sin is bondage, but never grasping that to be true. I mean sin can be fun. Looking back, its so very true that sin is only fun for a season and realizing now what a hold it had in my life. I was a slave to it. Now in coming to the cross and grasping what Christ has done FREEDOM! Such peace that comes....
Friday, February 12, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
I was reading today in Psalm 39 and David was asking "Oh Lord, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting I am. Behold, you have made my days a few handbreadths, and my life is as nothing before you. Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath!" David was wanting God to teach him how temporary life is. Troy has taught me just this and I am thankful for that. I try to always remember that life could be over in a second. What kind of testimony am I leaving behind? What have I invested in my future home? It was a good reminder for me today that God is continuing to teach me so many lessons through this heartbreaking experience. I just have to keep trusting. Troy's dad wrote me a letter a couple months back for my birthday and at the very end he tells me he can picture Troy up in heaven saying "Everything will be all right, Dad" and proceeds to tell me "Sarah, one day everything will be all right." I have that letter sitting next to my bed and constantly remind myself that one day everything will be all right again. It may or may not be on this earth, but I know that one day I will be face to face with Jesus and Troy and then everything will more than all right!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Life has a funny way of keeping me grounded and always aware of how much I'm unable to live any part of my life with out Jesus. So last Wednesday, I was talking to Laura telling her how much my heart was being healed by the Lord. The verse "Heal me ,O Lord, and I will be healed. Save me and I will be saved" has been my prayer. I'm constantly praying Lord please heal me and trusting that He will do just that. Well on Wednesday I was driving to the cemetery because it was a beautiful sunny day and right now in Greenville those are few and far between trust me I'm seriously craving hot and sun. Anyway the drive was so peaceful and I had such inner joy. At the cemetery there were some tears because I miss him, but just knowing in my heart the Lord is healing me. In this healing process, He is constantly restoring the joy of my salvation. Such a good day feeling the Lord's presence followed by the next morning with CRACK, BOOM, SMACK reality comes crashing in. I woke up from a dream where Troy was so very real. In my dream, I was missing him and half awake knew he wasn't beside me so I thought I'm going to call him and for about thirty seconds as I was waking up I was ready to use my phone to call him only to be fully awakened to the reality he was gone. Immediately the tears start coming. I couldn't seem to get it together and I was supposed to be leaving for vacation. My first thoughts were I really don't want to go anymore I want to stay in bed, but knowing I can't do this so what do I know I can do oh yes pray. I fell to my knees "Lord I need you so and I'm struggling to trust. Please heal me. Restore my joy." I got up and finished getting ready and once again God was healing me. The Lord had given me peace that can only come from above. Its absolutely nothing I can do. I have such an amazing heavenly Father. The Lord is healing my heart a little more every day.
My first vacation was to TN to catch up with the Schindels (my youth pastor and his family from FL). It was a good time of fellowship and fun. Mikaela their oldest is growing up into such a sweet young woman and is now driving oh that makes me feel old since she was a baby when I was in youth group. The boys, Andrew and Caleb, are well they have a plenty of energy and personality. Andrew told me "don't touch my stomach. You will break your fingers on my rock hard abs" sounding familiar well if you knew Pastor Dave you would say just like his father;) The youngest Karis who is five is a riot as well. She told me the first night I was there (after I explained why I had Troy's ring on my necklace) that "you are not married and you need to take the rings off" She then proceeded to try and pull them off. Maybe this was my sign from Troy. I had just asked him the day before at the cemetery haha;) Such an exciting family weekend. I did however come to a very wise conclusion about showering. I grew up in a small family one brother and sister. Troy grew up with a much larger family one brother and three sisters a much different experience. Remember the last four months I have been living completely on my own. So my conclusion came when I was slightly overwhelmed to be constantly surrounded by either adults or children. No alone time EXCEPT when showering. I've always wondered why people took such long showers and this weekend while showering I finally understood it. AWWWWW peace and quiet! I say all this because it was a funny realization of why Troy took such long showers, not at all because I didn't enjoy the "organized chaos" that I was able to be a part of this weekend. It was fun to be part of the family and truly an honor to see the other side of ministry. Their entire family are such a great example of selflessness. It made me realize how much of a sacrfice our pastors and their families willing and lovingly do for their church families. Huge thank you for your testimonies!!! Also a conviction on how selfish I am on a daily basis. Another lesson God is teaching me: less of me and more of Him.
I am now back to my house and it is very, very quiet I am missing the noise;) Guess I will have to return again soon.....
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Every anniversary is a reminder of that day and the experience I wouldn't wish on anyone. I miss him so much and although that day I can remember like it was yesterday it feels like a lifetime ago since we last talked. I want to talk about all the things God has been teaching me. I want to roll over in bed and have his arms hold me tight. I want to sit on the couch with him and argue over what we are going to watch. I want to cook dinner and sit on the floor eating because he refuses to sit on the couch with food. I want him to walk through the front door and kiss me. However; these are not part of God's perfect plan for me. I thank God every day that HE has brought me close to Him so that I could trust that He is in control and His will is perfect. I was reading in my daily devotions and today's reading had a lot to do with death. Some of the verses were "Oh death, where is thy sting? Oh grave, where is thy victory?" "...through death He might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil and deliver all those who through the fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery." "...absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord." "they cannot die anymore...are sons of God, being sons of resurrection...Now he is not God of the dead, but of the living." Such encouraging verses for me to read today of all days. Jesus conquered death and Satan has no victory in Troy's death. God is not God of the dead, but God of the living. Did you catch that? God of the living:) Such an AH-HA moment for me tonight. Its only this temporary body that died. Troy IS living with our Savior in a place so beyond my wildest imaginations. I just have to wait a little bit before I can see him again. Thank you Lord, for hope!!!
Yes, on every 30th of the month I will remember Troy's leaving this earth, but I also remember how far God has brought me in my faith. Through Troy's death, I now like Paul can say, "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." My relationship with my Savior is so much sweeter and I can't wait to fall on my knees in thanksgiving when I see him face to face. I have said this many times that when Troy hears my name being called over the loud speaker (or however it works) that its my time he better be second in line;)
My trip to the cemetery and crash site today in the ice. No worries I didn't drive it was all my Dad with the 4-wheel drive. Thanks daddy!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Ok so that story wasn't exactly the point of this blog sorry I can ramble. The point was the signs of why I came to the conclusion this is what I was supposed to write about;) The thoughts from God, the song, and then Wed. night the speaker spoke from Psalms about praise and I just knew thats it! I'm going to write a list of the things I have to be thankful for over the last almost 4 months. Really this is more for me to see how much God has done in my life and I know that one day soon I will need to re-read this to remind me that God is good all the time!!! Okay here we go: (this is in no particular order)
- My salvation. As I have mentioned before God has really used this accident to show me my salvation in a whole new light. I have been so humbled to think that my God loved me so much to send His son to die on a cross and take my punishment so that I could spend an eternity with Him.
- Heaven. Having to come face to face with death at such a young age has truly made me appreciate the future God has planned. I'm so excited about living my eternity with my Savior where this is no more sin, pain, worry, death, sadness:) I have a whole new way of looking at life in light of eternity and I'm so thankful.
- Family. Truly blessed to have godly parents who are amazing. Brother and sister who love me so much and are grieving right along with me. Troy's family who are a little piece of him and are reaching out to keep me in their lives.
- Troy's headstone. This was a huge deal for me and I wanted to so badly to have it down right away. Well you have to pay for it first and then it takes 6 weeks to get. Trust me I did not have the money to buy it right after the funeral so I figured it would be several months to a year before that was going to happen, but God provided the money through his school to pay for it just about 2 weeks after the accident.
- Finances. I have been blessed above and beyond what I could ever imagine from so many generous people around the US, my work, and his school. Just to give one little example, I didn't have to work the entire month of October, November, or much of December and every one of my bills was paid for. Thank you Lord and the people who He used in my life. You all have no idea how much of a blessing you were/are to me!!!!
- Godly support. The prayers and encouragement from people I know, barely know, or never met has kept me going many days.
- Friends. I have never felt so loved. Troy and I have an amazing set of friends. I mean I lived at Jill and Devon's for the first 2 weeks. My close friends drove/flew to be here with me. Some I hadn't even seen in years. On and on I could go.....
- Couch counselors/buddies;). They have encouraged me so much in keeping a close walk with God and also listening to my insane rambling about the most off the wall topics trust me they deserve a medal some days;)
- Joy and Peace. God has truly changed my life. It is only from Him, that at 4 months after losing Troy I can honestly say I have joy and peace.
- House. I was able to get the house Troy and I put an offer on and I'm really thankful for this fresh start.
- Church. Suber Road Baptist has welcomed me with open arms and I love being part of this church family.
- Jobs (Hillcrest and L&D). His students and faculty have been so helpful in keeping Troy's memory alive, making sure I knew how important he was to them, and what a difference he made in such a short time. Such an unbelieving comfort for me. My work well there are not enough words to express my thankfulness for the many ways they reached out and helped me the last couple of months.
- Serving others. God has truly used helping others to heal my broken heart. Its been such a blessing for me to reach out to others.
- His way is perfect. There was a night a little over a month after the accident that I was crying hysterically on my knees begging God "please give me Troy back. I've learned my lessons. I will trust You with my life. Please you can turn back time. Please God make this a dream. Please...." I'm on my knees and this still, small voice in my head says "My way is perfect" as to which I reply "but" followed by silence because I know immediately that this was God's perfect will and He will never leave me.
- Life insurance. Troy made sure I was provided for in case of an accident.
- Cookie dough. Its been such a comforting food these last couple of months. However; this one has run its course I'm giving it up after Saturday for a while;)
- Faith. I remember sitting on the couch with mom maybe 2 weeks after the accident questioning everything I had grown up believing. God has used His word specifically Psalm 22 to increase my faith so much in the last 3 months. I remember reading this not long after talking to mom and the last verse says "He has done it." It clicked everything I knew was real. God had sent His son who died for me and I had eternal life by trusting in Him. No doubts now!
Ok really I could go on and on. I'm sure there are very important things that I'm leaving out right now, but I don't want this to be so long peeps lose interest;) Needless to say I've been very blessed and am very thankful. I can honestly say that four months after losing my husband "God is good."
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Ok so thats where I am on this new grieving level. Well last week as I was talking to my couch buddies "Laura, Natalie, and Colleen" I mean who needs therapy when I have these three to listen to my rambling thoughts; ) So I was asking the question "Seriously how long am I going to be hurting I'm so tired of crying?" No one had much of an answer which was fine. I mean in real therapy they don't answer you anyways so the "girls" were just mimicking real life;) I think it was two days later I was reading through Ps. 13 and David asks " How long must I have sorrow in my heart all the day?" Ooooh I was excited that was my exact question ok David whats the answer that is going to cure this sorrow thing because I'm ready whatever it is I can do it. So I keep reading waiting for this one time miracle answer and the end of the Psalm he says "But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord because He has dealt bountifully with me." Ok so that was not the answer I was looking for, but the Holy Spirit used it to teach me a very valuable lesson. My sorrow and grief is exactly what I need because in those times I turn my eyes toward Jesus. I pray and cry to Him and as I'm praying to Him, He so often reminds me of all the great things He has been teaching me and the many blessings I have. As I'm reminded of these things my sorrow turns to joy that only the Lord can give. This lesson I've learned and have to keep reminding myself many days is this sadness is the best thing for me because it keeps me on my knees with my gaze focused on my Savior and what a Savior I have!!! This morning's message was hope in the midst of suffering. As a born again believer I have the most hopeful message of all. This world's suffering is only temporary one day Jesus will come back and make everything the way it was supposed to be all along no more sin, pain, or DEATH yay!!!! I highly recommend reading "In Light of Eternity." It changed my life and has caused me to be so excited about eternity:) Time for bed I do dread 5:30 am one more thing about heaven I'm looking forward to no more early mornings;)