Sunday, April 4, 2010

Six months and the rings.

I survived the six month anniversary. It was a...well... a good day despite the bad reason we were having it. Mom and I went to the spa in the morning and that was a wonderful time of relaxation. I believe that Troy wanted me to do that;) Then afterwards I went to the rock garden where Troy proposed. It was the first time I've been back since that day. I know it was a little bit dramatic, but I figured it was the best place to take off my rings. So I stood in the middle of the bridge where he had proposed. I was crying and talking quietly to him. I know the people passing by were whispering to their children "don't talk to that crazy lady over there; keep walking" ;) I expected to be sad, but I didn't expect to feel like I was betraying him. I sat there crying telling him "I'm so sorry." "I didn't want to move on, but I needed to." (A little side note: moving on is what you say after a bad break up. Not when you lose someone. Doesn't really feel right saying that now, but there doesn't seem to be another phrase that works. So guess that is the best thing to describe the steps I'm taking these days.) "I love him and would never forget him, but I needed to do this." If I had any hope of him coming back. Any chance that he was not gone, I would wait. But I was there when he died. I held his lifeless hand. I laid on his chest and listened as there was no heartbeat. I kissed his cold lips. I know he is not coming back. So betrayal was the emotion flooding through me that day. It has been a strange feeling not wearing them. I don't like it, but again God's grace is sufficient. That night our friends and family went to the cemetery and had a time of testimony and worship. It was a beautiful thing to see how much every one's life has been changed by Troy's death. Six months. Some days seem like a lifetime. Then other days, it seems so much in my life has changed dramatically in a short period. I could stand at husband's gravestone and honestly express such thankfulness in the power of our Savior. His grace IS sufficient. His love IS overwhelming. His arms ARE upholding me. He IS all that I need.

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