Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Expression of grief.

As promised, trying to be more faithful in keeping track of this journey. Today probably won't be the most uplifting, but trying to keep this as honest as possible. I dreamed about Troy last night. It was one of those dreams that is so real you wake up thinking, where am I? In my dream, he was back after being gone for this year. He hadn't died like we all thought, but had been held somewhere where he couldn't get away (bit weird I know). He was so real. He couldn't stop kissing me and telling me how much he missed and loved me. We were at a house with all our friends and family. Celebrating his return. Eating ice cream. Joking. Laughing. So normal. Alarm went off. Reality hit. Tears came. Today to say the least has been a bit rough. Actually this month has been rough. I can't believe the 30th will be a whole year since I last talked to him, held his hand, didn't feel so alone, felt normal...I put my rings back on. They are my security blanket and somehow make me feel closer to him. Maybe after the one year passes, I can put them away or make something new. Just not today. Today I'm a grieving widow. Today I feel so alone. Today, I want with everything in me to be normal again with Troy. My "new" normal not the way I pictured my future. A widow at twenty-five after only thirteen short months of marriage. Most girls my age are getting married, engaged, or starting a family. Those amazingly happy moments. I buried a husband. I have a burden of grief that on days like today is too much. I have a hole in my heart and today it is gaping open. I can't see a hope for a future with no tears or happy moments that aren't almost immediately followed by the heaviness of loss.
So not the most encouraging, but truth of my thoughts walking this path chosen for me. I know that my faith is weak tonight. I know my lack of trusting in God's perfect plan is the problem. So if you read this, stop and say a little prayer for all widows that God would continue to increase our faith.