Thursday, December 9, 2010

Fallen. Footprints. Faith.

Again I slack at writing...Life after a year where do I begin. My emotions are all over the place. I have hesitated to write because I've always been honest on here and wasn't sure if I was ready to share everything. However; the truth is this blog is my journey so here it goes....

After the year, I wanted everything to be fixed. I didn't want to cry, hurt, miss, feel alone anymore. I thought okay year complete now time to move on. Here is where the honest part comes to play...In my head, moving on meant meet someone else. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want a family. Somehow also figured in meeting someone else that new relationship would somehow replace Troy and the hurt that is constantly there. I haven't typed these thoughts for a variety of reasons. I don't want anyone to think I don't love Troy. If I ever date again, that person to think they are a replacement. I don't want to sound like I'm moving too fast. I don't want to hurt family or friends. Don't want anyone to think not ready to date by reading this. A lot of thinking has been involved in case you missed it ;) I feel a little bit crazy. I often wonder if I am going nuts. Is all these varying emotions normal? Can I still love and miss someone yet also feel ready to meet someone new?...Point of all of this is the last month after the one year I just didn't want to think about Troy at all. I was ready for the next step. God show me the next step....

Thanksgiving came and during the praise service at church the Lord really opened my eyes to say "Sarah, stop fighting!" I had been fighting everything to do with Troy. I had pushed all my feelings and thoughts through a door then closed and locked it. I didn't want to grieve anymore. I assumed that if I still mourned over Troy I would never have the chance to meet anyone else. God was telling me to let go of my ideas once again! Its okay to grieve as long as I don't wallow. When the next step comes, God will work out all the little details.

December has come and the grieving is no joke these days. Can't turn it off if I wanted to. Christmas and my birthday apparently bring the grieving on at full speed. Right now I really want to find the control switch! Confession...I stopped trusting. I did what I was supposed to because I was supposed to do them, but didn't believe in it. I stopped trusting that God was working out for my good because all I could feel was sadness and loneliness. Again I was rebuked, faith is not based on feelings. My Christian walk is certainly not based on feelings. Faith is not by sight, but following, trusting that God is in complete control of our unknown. I sit here today trusting. I don't always understand, but I do now that Jesus has promised to never leave me. I'm never alone. I love the poem about the footprints in the sand. Can't wait for the day on the other side and see how often those footprints in the sand will only be one set as He was carrying me through. I read a while back in Psalms 77:19 "Your way was through the sea, your path through the great waters; yet your footprints were unseen." This is one of the many promises I'm holding onto these days. He is there even when I don't see.

I don't always understand. I want to plan and figure it out NOW ;) God says "Be still and know that I am God." This means don't plan and try to work things out. Just trust ME! Walking by faith not by sight especially this month...My God is good always:)