Five and half years since the accident. Time goes quickly. I look back over those years and rejoice in God's working in my life. I have learned so much about Him in those years. I have seen His blessings in giving and taking away. I have had the amazing privilege to be under sound teaching at school, churches, camps, and conferences. These wonderful opportunities grew my knowledge of God. This knowledge God used to change many aspects of my daily living. I say all this to sum up how I have viewed at least the last six months of my life Christian living: lots of head knowledge. Let's see if I can explain it out a bit more…
I have grown. I can look back and see radical differences in my life since September 30, 2009. I see ups and downs, but always an upward move to becoming more like Christ. However; the last six months have been a struggle for me in my walk. I know the right things to say and even do. It is not that I haven't been growing or feel that I am in a valley. It hasn't been that drastic. Instead it has been this slow movement towards doubtful thinking. After Brogan was born, new sets of fear set in. The "what if" thinking reared its ugly head again. I knew how to battle it though this time: Think Truth. I applied this lesson of thinking truth often over the next year. I didn't feel victorious though just settled with the idea that I was going to struggle with fear/anxiety. I thought it would be a constant battle in my mind to keep dispelling the untruths with truths about God. This struggle has been going on for some time, but it was not overwhelming just a bit discouraging at times. It wasn't always even there. The fear would often come and go depending on the circumstances of life. I mostly chalked it up to: I have walked through tragedy and so now I will always go to worst case scenarios. At times even thinking, this is part of the scaring/discipline of God in taking Troy home. Please don't misunderstand, I was not hopeless. I was resigned and rejoicing in other areas where I saw God growing me. Fast forward to these last couple of weeks…
My fear has reared its ugly head a bit more often and more frequently. Adam and I are going out of town for the first time without Brogan. My "what if" scenarios have become a broken record in my head. "What if something happens to us?" "What if something happens to him when I am across the country?" Then daily fears will creep into these thoughts. "What if something happens to this pregnancy?" "What if we can't sell the house?" "What if my parenting isn't good enough?" "What if something happens to me and I can't raise Brogan the way I want?" "What if something happens to Brogan while he is sleeping in his crib?" "What if, Adam is late because he was in accident?" Okay, you get the point of my irrational "what if" thinking pattern. I know these are not truths and I have to take them captive. I would pray and ask God for help in not thinking this way and then ask that He make sure none of these happened. I would quote truths I knew "He will never leave me or His grace is sufficient." I would do my best to forget the thinking and move on. This is not hopeful! I wanted victory not just a resigned attitude to a constant battle.
I started reading a book with a couple of other ladies these past couple of weeks. It was one I have read before, but it has been a while. The content was not new information, but it hit me hard because it was information I knew and was not applying. I have had two problems these last six months. Number one problem: I have knowledge with no application. I knew truths about God and His ways, but I was not believing them. I had very much come to a place where my view of God was based on my past or current circumstances instead of what Scripture said. I didn't believe God was always going to do good. I was waiting for another loss or trial and I thought that was not a good God. I didn't believe He would never leave me. I thought whatever the future held was terrifying because I couldn't control it. I didn't believe He would be there every step of the way. I knew truths many of them, but I was NOT believing them. My fear had grown from just "what if" possibilities to a fear of God and His plans for my life. I was seeing Him through my circumstantial lens instead of through Scripture. Number two problem: I would do better than God with my life. I was fearful of His plans and complete submission to Him seemed impossible. I was living not totally surrendered to Him. My pastor recently made comment about Abraham and Isaac. He was discussing how Abraham was able to come to point of being willing to sacrifice his only son. He said Abraham had rock-solid faith in God. I knew at that moment I did not!
The book has hit me hard in my lack of faith and submission. Until today, I couldn't see all my sin clearly laid out. God in His wonderful mercy has laid out my failures and lack of faith. He has shown me my areas of unbelief. It is not a fun place to be to see all the filth that is so easily in my heart. How much that grows when a small sin (thinking "what if" scenarios) is not confessed and forsaken immediately. I have been growing that unbelief sin for a long time. I didn't see my need to submit all things always to Him. I grew in my thinking that "I knew better" and pride took hold of my heart. The fruit of fear and anxiety have just become more apparent in the last month as new circumstance bring out my wicked heart. So here is my confession: My true fears stem from my pride which is a lack of faith in who God is and what He is doing. As God has brought me to submission to Him in all things of my life, I know His peace. He gives peace not found in this world or Adam or Brogan or financial security. He gives true peace….God is still working. I have much knowledge I must move from my head to my heart. I must believe what is true about God and not what I feel. God is working this in my life as I spend more time with Him. Not just my checklist time, but truly renewing my mind in His truths. I desire to say and truly mean like Paul, "I have learned that whatever state I am in to be content." Paul had constant peace and did not worry because He knew His God. This is my prayer to know my God intimately not just on the surface or rest in previous knowledge, but to KNOW Him. I want to "know God well enough to be satisfied that He Himself is enough for me."
So here is an update on my journey in life. It is no longer my journey in widowhood. No, God has changed that, but I am still on a journey towards learning His sufficient grace in all things. I end these thoughts, thanking God He hasn't stopped working on me and revealing areas where I fall so short of His calling. I thank Him for the hope I find only in His Word. I thank Him for using that Word to change me more into the image of His Son. I still have much growth, but so thankful He is giving me grace to learn to say daily, "He is more than enough!"
