Sad thoughts.

Tomorrow marks six months and it has been a very rough couple days. I'm struggling to keep my focus on the hope and love I've been clinging to these past months. This may not be the most positive blog, but trying to keep things honest during this journey. So here it is...I'm tired as you all know and right now getting my focus heavenward seems to be the most difficult thing to do. I just want to sit here and cry. I constantly feel on the edge of tears today, yesterday, the day before. You get the idea. Broke down crying in the middle of church twice yesterday. Cried on my way home from work. Sitting here on the couch wanting to cry. So much emotion is going through me and I'm so overwhelmed. Some days you have to choose to trust and obey. Even when you are not feeling anything, but depression. This is exactly where I am right now. I know what I'm supposed to do: read and pray. However; I don't feel like doing that. I don't want to trust. I don't want to obey. Agh! So very wrong thinking. I know even typing this that I will get off and do what I know is right because otherwise this slight hole of depression will turn into a major cavity of despair. I don't want tomorrow to happen. I don't want it to be six months that I haven't talked, seen, touched, or heard him. My heart feels broken all over again. The pain is like a part of me is being torn apart leaving me with a missing piece. A gaping hole in my heart...Okay so not the most uplifting one, but honest. Thankfully I know that God will hold me up. So going to go read now....