Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Exhausted emotions and my God of endurance.
The scary big six month anniversary is coming up next week and it has been a rough couple of days. People have told me that six to nine months are hard and are like the beginning grieving process all over again. Those statements were hard to hear and slightly terrifying to face. I don't know how everyone else feels around this time, but I will try and put my emotions into words. This might seem easy, but to be honest it's really hard to try and explain. However; I will do my best. One of the most noticeable emotions I feel lately is exhausted. I'm tired of crying. Who knew you could cry this much in six months. I'm tired of being alone. I hate going to bed alone and the companionship of having that special person to share everything with is gone. I'm tired of having to pay the bills alone and worry about money by myself. I'm tired of stupid things like taking the trash out or driving everywhere or just walking around by myself. Saying I miss Troy is not a strong enough word. There is a hole in my heart that doesn't feel like it will ever close and seems to re-open every time I see a couple holding hands. There is also this feeling of finality. I know I will see him again and trust me I hold to that thought every day, but we will never have the chance to live this life again. I will never be married to him again or have kids with him or sit on the couch and cuddle again. I seem to be crying more these days because the sense of loss has become so much more permanent in this life. I want my best friend back to just talk. I'm going through so much and he is the one I want so bad to talk to. Although, if he was here most of this wouldn't be happening;) I've been saying that at six months I would take off my wedding rings. I was at the cemetery on Saturday talking to Troy and realized why I'm struggling so much with this decision. I don't want to not be married to him anymore. When I take them off, its this major sign to the world "no longer married." I hate it and tears automatically follow. A broken heart is also not strong enough to describe the pain that comes with this type of loss. So I guess the best words that describe these upcoming months are exhaustive and final. However; God has been teaching me these last couple days a lot about His strength which I'm very much in need of on a daily basis. Reading through the Psalms, I've seen the strength of my God. His deliverance of His people time and time again. His amazing creation is a daily reminder of his power. "God is the strength of my heart" I read last night in Nehemiah "the joy of the Lord is your strength." My joy the last couple of days hasn't exactly been radiating through. I realized last night that my strength in this situation comes from joy in my Savior. Then I read 1 Corinthians and Paul talks about us being blameless before God because of the cross. A little side note: I just love how the Bible constantly pulls things together. I read something in the OT and then read something in the NT and it all fits. God's living word just blows my mind. So I'm learning again to remember the joy of my salvation because in that my strength for this season will be given by God. " For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus." Such encouraging statements: His word is for my endurance and hope and my God is the God of endurance and encouragement. Just the things I needed to remind me even through these next months of new emotions; He knows exactly what I need.