Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Lonely heart and God's love.
Finally the last two days at work we actually had patients having babies. Thank you, Lord! Its been a while since we have had a floor full of patients laboring. Which has put everyone a little on edge to say the least. Not really what I wanted to talk about, but just a little update on my life outside the grieving and growing. Last week was the opera that Todd and Tamra were in: Samson and Delilah. My mom and I went (maybe you should sit down as you read this), but I truly enjoyed it. It was such a good, emotional story of betrayal and redemption. Thank goodness for subtitles otherwise probably wouldn't have worked out well for us since it was in French. We no speak the French. So we would have had no idea what was going on. After the opera, we got special VIP privileges to go backstage to the green room because we were family ;) So standing back there with all of Troy's family and I look over to Todd and Lorna. After a very long day, Lorna wasn't feeling very well and Todd was being such a sweet husband: telling her he loved her and holding her close and well his eyes and tone of voice just radiated his love and need to make sure she was okay. As you can guess where I'm going with this, my inner struggle with jealousy was raging its ugly head. I knew I was wrong, but I missed my husband so much. I came home and prayed for forgiveness for wrong thinking. Begging God to please heal my heart and help me. I felt so alone and I missed Troy. I just wanted to feel loved and secure in his arms again. My Savior heard my prayer. I opened my Bible to do my daily reading and that night was Psalm 68. "Protector of widows is God" "Okay Lord, You are the One who is holding me tight making me feel secure. Thank you, I needed this so much tonight. I know Your will is perfect and even through my breaking heart You are protecting me" That was a wonderful truth, but the best was yet to come. The next night I'm sitting down reading through a book about God's name. The chapter I was reading was talking about the Lord being my shepherd. I read a book a while back on a shepherd's perspective on Psalm 23. The book allowed me to have a better understanding of how the shepherd/sheep relationship works. Sheep are stupid, can't take care of themselves, will easily go the wrong way, can't find good food, and on and on I could go. The basic idea is the are completely and totally dependent on their shepherd. If you see a good flock of sheep, they have a shepherd who cares. If you see sick and poor looking sheep, they have a shepherd who lacks the skills or doesn't care about the flock. Can you see how much that reflects us. We honestly can't do anything on our own. We often get distracted, go off the path, and end up stuck needing to be rescued. So this picture of sheep, I can totally relate to. I need help to get out of bed most days. Okay back to feeling pretty lonely and desperately wanting to be loved. Thinking in my head if only Troy was here I wouldn't be feeling these things and I start reading about the Lord being my Shepherd. I read John 10. The Lord used this chapter to open my eyes to how much He loves me. How important I am to Him. Just take a second and think about these thoughts: "The sheep hear His voice, and He calls His own sheep by name and leads them out" "I came that they may have life and have it abundantly" "I am the good Shepherd. The good Shepherd lays down His life for the sheep" "I am the good Shepherd. I know My own and My own know Me" "My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me." "I give them eternal life...and no one will snatch them out of My hand." Wow, even just re-reading this is so comforting. So that night when I read this, there is no way to exactly explain it other than I could actually feel my Savior's love for me; surrounding me in a way that I've never felt before. Such security is in this chapter: knowing Jesus my Shepherd knows me and I know Him and there is absolutely NOTHING that can take me out of His hand. He laid down His life for me there is no greater love that this. It seems that my missing Troy is increasing day by day, but through that God's love is shining through more and more. He loves us more than we can wrap our heads around. Such a powerful truth if we truly believe it. His love will change our lives!