The little things taken for granted and unexplainable joy.

Last night I was laying in bed staring at Troy's side and started talking to him. I don't hear any voices in response. So I think it's pretty safe to assume I'm not crazy. I was laying there with my hand on his pillow telling him all the things I missed. The little things. Those things you take for granted on a daily basis. The things you wouldn't think about until it's gone. So it went something like this...."I miss you, Troy. I wish you were here. I miss walking down the street and being able to grab your hand. I miss random kisses. I miss putting my cold feet in between your legs (I swear his core body temp was ten degrees warmer than mine). I miss you putting your arm around me when we were sitting somewhere public. I miss you holding the hymnal at church. I miss you always driving and getting the gas. I miss hearing 'I'm beautiful' and 'I love you.' I miss feeling protected and safe in your arms. I want to hold your face in my hands and just stare in your eyes with no thought to time. I want to hear you laugh. I miss riding the bike with you. I promise I would go wherever you wanted right now just to see you. Troy, I miss you so much" At this point, I'm obviously crying while I talk to him. I share all of this because what I'm going to talk about next makes no sense in our human minds, but it's so true....

I'm the most joyful I have ever been. I finished talking to him and turned over and started crying out to my God about my broken heart. Awww such peace. I'm going to do my best to explain this joy, but unless you have experienced it, words I know can't accurately describe why I'm smiling. As my pastor said on Sunday, "Joy is the secret of the kingdom." Not that we don't want to share. Its just next to impossible to describe. I have been learning so much about my Savior. It constantly brings peace and a smile to my face. Even right now thinking about the last couple of days, I can't help but smile. Saturday night I was sitting with my couch buddies going over our Bible study for that week, and I was like a giddy school girl. I was so excited about the things God has been teaching me, and how much it is changing my life. I always used to think that all those commands in the Bible were there to ruin my fun. Oh, how wrong I was. In obeying them, He blesses more than I can describe. I just want to learn more and more. I'm reading a new book called "Crazy Love." It has so many things that make me stop and think about God. The God who created this world loves me. How amazing is that! I'm no one special just an average girl whose life has been turned upside down, but in the midst of all this I'm getting to see God do amazing things in my life. I've become more aware since Troy's death of eternal value, but even more in reading this book. I'm so challenged to be living my life for Christ. He loves me so much! Why wouldn't I want to live completely surrendered to His will. Why aren't all of us who know truth walking around with smiles on our faces. We have the best gift ever. I heard a sermon a while back, and he said this in reference to the thought of why aren't we smiling. "I've read the book. I know how it ends. WE WIN!" I loved it. So true. God is constantly restoring the joy of my salvation. Have you ever stopped and thought about God's word. It truly is a living book. Every time I read it, God opens my eyes to something new. What book, movie, or tv show can you constantly watch over and over and still see something new. Nope, there is nothing. But God's word is just that. Are you smiling with me yet? God has given us so much to be thankful for. His blessings surround us every day by just being able to wake up, breathe, or our heart beating. His beautiful creation for me to just sit and stare in wonder at how powerful He is. Joy, just pure absolute joy, bubbling up from inside. I love my Lord more and more every day. My Savior loves me! What else do I need....Nothing:)