Thursday, April 15, 2010
Dream and a new emotion.
Spent some time at the cemetery today. Not exactly how I pictured my future. I dreamed about Troy last night. I knew in my dream that I was dreaming so I was savoring every moment. Every kiss meant so much and holding his hand was wonderful. I couldn't get enough of him. I wanted every second to be next to him. I had so much I wanted to talk about with him. Everything was perfect. Needless to say I didn't want to wake up, but I did. Reality hit and I started crying. Yes, not the most enjoyable way to wake up. So this afternoon went to the cemetery to talk to him. I know he is not there, but for me it's the closest I can get to him. It brings a little bit of comfort. We had a nice one-sided conversation;) Oh, for the day when I will be able to hear his voice again. Can't wait!!! Today, however; is not that day. So once again, I must open my truth box and re-direct my thoughts towards my Savior. I'm learning a lot about life being a marathon not a sprint. Its a difficult thought knowing that when it comes to Troy I will always be sad knowing I can't talk to him and that he is gone. Overwhelming! The crying seems to be happening a bit more these days. Not for long, but somehow almost every day I cry about something to do with him. I'm so thankful I know truth. I can't imagine how much more difficult this would be without it. I also feel a little bit guilty. Let me attempt to explain that. I know logically it makes no sense, but I feel like maybe I shouldn't still be crying. It has been six months. I feel bad bringing up my sadness about him. Like people are sick of me talking about it. I don't want to make people feel bad, but sometimes need to express what I'm thinking or feeling. Afterwards, I think maybe they are tired of hearing it. I don't want to sound like a broken record. I know other people are going through things in life. My loss is not greater or more important than others. This might not make a lot of sense, but something I'm struggling with in this thing we call grieving. On a brighter note, I'm going to Uganda in less than a month. I'm very excited about this trip. Scared out of my mind, but excited. Its a medical mission trip and I can't wait to see what the Lord has planned for me and those we will be ministering to. It is amazing to look back on the last six months and see how far God has brought me. His love and grace blows my mind. If you had told me six months ago that I would be going to Uganda or even tell me that I would be living surrendered to God with such joy and peace, I would stare at you with a look of "you have lost your mind that could NEVER happen for/to me." God does work miracles. Walking example right here:)