Sunday, January 24, 2010

Joy in my sorrow

My life is full of emotional ups and downs these days. Its been a different type of grieving these last two weeks. I have had a really hard time trying to understand it let alone try to explain it to anyone, but I just knew that I was feeling different. I've come up with the best way I think I can explain it: I'm living my life with out Troy. Ok so let me go into a little more detail so that statement makes more sense. For the first month SHOCK AND DESPAIR. Honestly don't even really remember the month of October. The second month paper work, paper work, paper work....just getting everything settled. The third month consisted of moving and setting up the new house. So for the first three months I was super busy always had someone around or something I had to do. Now I'm heading into month four and life has changed. Things are settling down and I'm having to learn to live a new life with out Troy. Its so very hard these days. Everything I do I'm learning to this "new normal" which is minus my other half. I'm experiencing that single status again which is not a pleasant thought let me tell you. I really hate coming home to an empty house. I don't know why that has been one of the hardest realities, but it is. Getting off work, leaving church, leaving friend's house, ect...all of them make me come face to face with the reality I'm living alone again blah....
Ok so thats where I am on this new grieving level. Well last week as I was talking to my couch buddies "Laura, Natalie, and Colleen" I mean who needs therapy when I have these three to listen to my rambling thoughts; ) So I was asking the question "Seriously how long am I going to be hurting I'm so tired of crying?" No one had much of an answer which was fine. I mean in real therapy they don't answer you anyways so the "girls" were just mimicking real life;) I think it was two days later I was reading through Ps. 13 and David asks " How long must I have sorrow in my heart all the day?" Ooooh I was excited that was my exact question ok David whats the answer that is going to cure this sorrow thing because I'm ready whatever it is I can do it. So I keep reading waiting for this one time miracle answer and the end of the Psalm he says "But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord because He has dealt bountifully with me." Ok so that was not the answer I was looking for, but the Holy Spirit used it to teach me a very valuable lesson. My sorrow and grief is exactly what I need because in those times I turn my eyes toward Jesus. I pray and cry to Him and as I'm praying to Him, He so often reminds me of all the great things He has been teaching me and the many blessings I have. As I'm reminded of these things my sorrow turns to joy that only the Lord can give. This lesson I've learned and have to keep reminding myself many days is this sadness is the best thing for me because it keeps me on my knees with my gaze focused on my Savior and what a Savior I have!!! This morning's message was hope in the midst of suffering. As a born again believer I have the most hopeful message of all. This world's suffering is only temporary one day Jesus will come back and make everything the way it was supposed to be all along no more sin, pain, or DEATH yay!!!! I highly recommend reading "In Light of Eternity." It changed my life and has caused me to be so excited about eternity:) Time for bed I do dread 5:30 am one more thing about heaven I'm looking forward to no more early mornings;)


  1. although we do not know each are a true inspiration to me! Your life was torn apart in one moment, and yet you are still strong, even though you may think you are having weak moments, your weak moments would be equal to a strong moment, if I were forced to be in your situation! Please know that I am praying for you! and I am so sure that your husband is so proud of you!
    God Bless!!

  2. LOVE it Sara!! You know, so I am the least likely expert on grieving but this came to mind; losing troy is exactly like getting a portion of your body severed. Girl, there is a HUGE wound, OPEN, wound with living stuff going on exposed that is suppose to be covered and protected... yeah, you have seen it as a nurse... well, girl, just like a wound needs time to heal... so does your living, exposed wound.. and girl, it is painful, painful, painful. The hole is there, and will always be... but the pain, the tears, the ache, the daily hurdles... are part of that healing.... grieve with grace.. and girl you SO ARE... There is another blog i have gotten connected to you may enjoy... another family with a horrible loss but with God's Grace they are walking through it... i don't even know them but i have been SO ministered to through her blog/story... check out the link on my page, "The Macs".... under My Favorite Blogs.

    Have a blessed day Sara.... Ps 13 is beautiful!