Saturday, January 30, 2010

Another milestone: Four month anniversary

It has been four months since my life was turned upside down. Some days it feels like forever and other just yesterday. I can still vividly remember walking around the corner and seeing Troy laying there on the stretcher in the ICU surrounded by doctors and nurses. Actually that whole morning I can re-play in my mind like a horrible movie starting with the phone call, driving to the hospital, walking into the ER, seeing a group of people from the hospital waiting on me, going to the 4th floor waiting room, asking Todd how bad is it, walking down the hallway to see him, the chest compressions, the suctioning of his mouth, the doctor telling me this was the last round of pressures and blood, telling him "please don't leave me, I love you, keep fighting, I love you", watching him as his heart stopped beating, being held up by Whitney then my dad, mom walking around the corner and immediately letting out a sob, Todd crying, holding his lifeless hand, asking for his wedding band, laying on his chest telling him how much I loved him, walking into the waiting room surrounded by our friends, giving Jill my phone and asking her to call people to let them know, going back to say goodbye to him, watching our friends say goodbye to him, laying on his chest for the last time holding his hands never wanting to let go, walking up to the 6th floor to see my girls from work, sitting in the nurse's station with his blood on my hand, sitting in the cafeteria w/ the Tammy's, telling someone make sure I have his bike jacket, walking to Jill's car....then things for the rest of the day are a little more blurry.

Every anniversary is a reminder of that day and the experience I wouldn't wish on anyone. I miss him so much and although that day I can remember like it was yesterday it feels like a lifetime ago since we last talked. I want to talk about all the things God has been teaching me. I want to roll over in bed and have his arms hold me tight. I want to sit on the couch with him and argue over what we are going to watch. I want to cook dinner and sit on the floor eating because he refuses to sit on the couch with food. I want him to walk through the front door and kiss me. However; these are not part of God's perfect plan for me. I thank God every day that HE has brought me close to Him so that I could trust that He is in control and His will is perfect. I was reading in my daily devotions and today's reading had a lot to do with death. Some of the verses were "Oh death, where is thy sting? Oh grave, where is thy victory?" "...through death He might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil and deliver all those who through the fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery." "...absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord." "they cannot die anymore...are sons of God, being sons of resurrection...Now he is not God of the dead, but of the living." Such encouraging verses for me to read today of all days. Jesus conquered death and Satan has no victory in Troy's death. God is not God of the dead, but God of the living. Did you catch that? God of the living:) Such an AH-HA moment for me tonight. Its only this temporary body that died. Troy IS living with our Savior in a place so beyond my wildest imaginations. I just have to wait a little bit before I can see him again. Thank you Lord, for hope!!!

Yes, on every 30th of the month I will remember Troy's leaving this earth, but I also remember how far God has brought me in my faith. Through Troy's death, I now like Paul can say, "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." My relationship with my Savior is so much sweeter and I can't wait to fall on my knees in thanksgiving when I see him face to face. I have said this many times that when Troy hears my name being called over the loud speaker (or however it works) that its my time he better be second in line;)

My trip to the cemetery and crash site today in the ice. No worries I didn't drive it was all my Dad with the 4-wheel drive. Thanks daddy!

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