Thursday, January 28, 2010

Praising in the midst of heartache.

I haven't written in several days for a couple of reasons. One I have worked the last three days and after getting up at 5:30 am and working I don't have much of a desire to do anything but sleep. Second reason is I haven't had too much to say. I want this blogging experience to either be something God has been teaching me or something new I'm learning on this journey of my life as a young widow. So I have been thinking the last couple of days what am I going to write about next and the Lord brought into my heart how about all the things I have to be thankful for. I started to think that this would be a great blog for me to go back and read on days that I'm really struggling to keep a positive attitude. This thought came about three/four days ago. Then I think it was Tuesday the song "I Will Praise You in this Storm" came on the radio while I was driving to work. This to me was a huge sign of how much God has begun healing my heart. Why you may ask? Well let me tell you;) The first time I came back to work after the accident I would play this song over and over again on my CD player as I was driving to the hospital. As I got closer to the hospital, my tears would start and I would sit in the parking lot for about 10 minutes crying. All I could think about was that day I had come here and watched Troy die. I hated that I had those images in my head and hated even more that I had to come back to this place. So I would listen to the song and remember that I needed "to praise the God who gives and takes away....I lift my eyes unto the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth." After having sang through my tears this part of the song, I would get out of my car walk into work and attempt to function as a nurse. For the record, the first time back was not very successful. I really had a hard time being at the hospital let alone try to take care of someone else, but my L&D family held my hand every second of those first weeks back. Point being after a couple weeks off for the holidays and a lot of time in prayer and reading God's word; I was driving to work Tuesday heard that song and there were no tears just true words of praise.
Ok so that story wasn't exactly the point of this blog sorry I can ramble. The point was the signs of why I came to the conclusion this is what I was supposed to write about;) The thoughts from God, the song, and then Wed. night the speaker spoke from Psalms about praise and I just knew thats it! I'm going to write a list of the things I have to be thankful for over the last almost 4 months. Really this is more for me to see how much God has done in my life and I know that one day soon I will need to re-read this to remind me that God is good all the time!!! Okay here we go: (this is in no particular order)
  • My salvation. As I have mentioned before God has really used this accident to show me my salvation in a whole new light. I have been so humbled to think that my God loved me so much to send His son to die on a cross and take my punishment so that I could spend an eternity with Him.
  • Heaven. Having to come face to face with death at such a young age has truly made me appreciate the future God has planned. I'm so excited about living my eternity with my Savior where this is no more sin, pain, worry, death, sadness:) I have a whole new way of looking at life in light of eternity and I'm so thankful.
  • Family. Truly blessed to have godly parents who are amazing. Brother and sister who love me so much and are grieving right along with me. Troy's family who are a little piece of him and are reaching out to keep me in their lives.
  • Troy's headstone. This was a huge deal for me and I wanted to so badly to have it down right away. Well you have to pay for it first and then it takes 6 weeks to get. Trust me I did not have the money to buy it right after the funeral so I figured it would be several months to a year before that was going to happen, but God provided the money through his school to pay for it just about 2 weeks after the accident.
  • Finances. I have been blessed above and beyond what I could ever imagine from so many generous people around the US, my work, and his school. Just to give one little example, I didn't have to work the entire month of October, November, or much of December and every one of my bills was paid for. Thank you Lord and the people who He used in my life. You all have no idea how much of a blessing you were/are to me!!!!
  • Godly support. The prayers and encouragement from people I know, barely know, or never met has kept me going many days.
  • Friends. I have never felt so loved. Troy and I have an amazing set of friends. I mean I lived at Jill and Devon's for the first 2 weeks. My close friends drove/flew to be here with me. Some I hadn't even seen in years. On and on I could go.....
  • Couch counselors/buddies;). They have encouraged me so much in keeping a close walk with God and also listening to my insane rambling about the most off the wall topics trust me they deserve a medal some days;)
  • Joy and Peace. God has truly changed my life. It is only from Him, that at 4 months after losing Troy I can honestly say I have joy and peace.
  • House. I was able to get the house Troy and I put an offer on and I'm really thankful for this fresh start.
  • Church. Suber Road Baptist has welcomed me with open arms and I love being part of this church family.
  • Jobs (Hillcrest and L&D). His students and faculty have been so helpful in keeping Troy's memory alive, making sure I knew how important he was to them, and what a difference he made in such a short time. Such an unbelieving comfort for me. My work well there are not enough words to express my thankfulness for the many ways they reached out and helped me the last couple of months.
  • Serving others. God has truly used helping others to heal my broken heart. Its been such a blessing for me to reach out to others.
  • His way is perfect. There was a night a little over a month after the accident that I was crying hysterically on my knees begging God "please give me Troy back. I've learned my lessons. I will trust You with my life. Please you can turn back time. Please God make this a dream. Please...." I'm on my knees and this still, small voice in my head says "My way is perfect" as to which I reply "but" followed by silence because I know immediately that this was God's perfect will and He will never leave me.
  • Life insurance. Troy made sure I was provided for in case of an accident.
  • Cookie dough. Its been such a comforting food these last couple of months. However; this one has run its course I'm giving it up after Saturday for a while;)
  • Faith. I remember sitting on the couch with mom maybe 2 weeks after the accident questioning everything I had grown up believing. God has used His word specifically Psalm 22 to increase my faith so much in the last 3 months. I remember reading this not long after talking to mom and the last verse says "He has done it." It clicked everything I knew was real. God had sent His son who died for me and I had eternal life by trusting in Him. No doubts now!

Ok really I could go on and on. I'm sure there are very important things that I'm leaving out right now, but I don't want this to be so long peeps lose interest;) Needless to say I've been very blessed and am very thankful. I can honestly say that four months after losing my husband "God is good."

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