Bittersweet

Today was a good day at work. I had the very wonderful privilege of taking care of one of my good nursing friends. She and her husband are fabulous and everything went really well which is saying a lot b/c somehow for a L&D nurse something usually goes wrong. Every nurse can relate to that;) Not for Jenni though it was wonderful. I'm so excited for her and Ben and their little baby girl Rhys. It was a nice day to spend talking to her and her family about that things God has been teaching me. Its always encouraging for me to share with other people. So the day was great, but coming home thats where the bittersweet part comes in to play. I was able to keep my focus on this being Ben and Jenni's day. Wonderful loved it, but walking out of the hospital my thoughts went where they often do to Troy. When I lost Troy the biggest thing at the time was him being gone, but as time goes on I've had to deal with so much more than I ever realized. Like tonight when I walk out of the hospital and know that with Troy I will never have that sweet precious moment that Jenni and Ben had at the moment Rhys was born. Its one more loss I have to deal with AND its not just a one time thing. Its a constant surrender of that dream to the Lord b/c in His perfect plan Troy and I were not meant to have a family. True heartache follows this thought. So not only hurting from these thoughts as I walked to my car, but also that "oh crud" I have to go home to an empty house. Its so lonely not having him around anymore. I didn't realize how used to having him around I was until he's gone. So as I'm walking to my car trying not to completely lose it, I'm preaching to myself "I will never leave you nor forsake you, I will never leave you nor forsake" This has truly become my mantra many a days;) Ok I'm going to make it to the car without a melt down, but still have to drive home. Tears are coming as I sit in the parking deck and then the radio turns on and this song is playing "I will rise when He calls my name no more sorrow no more pain. I will rise on eagle's wings before my God fall on my knees and rise, I will rise" Perfect song for me re-direct my thoughts to the One I'm here living for. I'm so very blessed to know the truth and in knowing the truth I have hope. This life is only temporary and one day I will see Troy again, but even better I will finally be face to face with my Savior who lifts me up every day oh what a glorious day that will be:) Ok thanks Lord I will make it home:) So that is my bittersweet day, but God has allowed me to make it through one more step in this healing thing. Thank you, Jenni and Ben for allowing me to be a part in your very special day. It truly was a blessing for me to see your love for each other and this new little girl:) Now sleep is calling my name b/c I get to go back tomorrow for another round.....