Firsts are typically an exciting experience. A first birthday, the first time you drive a car, a first date with that person you have been wanting to go out with for as long as you can remember, a first kiss that gives you butterflies, the first time you step on a scale after going on a diet and the number has finally gone down;) All of these firsts are great, but my life is now full of firsts and they are so very far from using the word great. I went on my first vacation this weekend with out Troy or being able to come home to him. I realized on my trip that I still have so many first things ahead of me. My next big first is taking my rings off and with that being officially single again. I have not quite come to this step yet, but I know it is coming and I am trying to figure out if I will ever really be ready for this step. I'm thinking probably not. One of these days just deciding its time. I did ask Troy to give me a sign....
Life has a funny way of keeping me grounded and always aware of how much I'm unable to live any part of my life with out Jesus. So last Wednesday, I was talking to Laura telling her how much my heart was being healed by the Lord. The verse "Heal me ,O Lord, and I will be healed. Save me and I will be saved" has been my prayer. I'm constantly praying Lord please heal me and trusting that He will do just that. Well on Wednesday I was driving to the cemetery because it was a beautiful sunny day and right now in Greenville those are few and far between trust me I'm seriously craving hot and sun. Anyway the drive was so peaceful and I had such inner joy. At the cemetery there were some tears because I miss him, but just knowing in my heart the Lord is healing me. In this healing process, He is constantly restoring the joy of my salvation. Such a good day feeling the Lord's presence followed by the next morning with CRACK, BOOM, SMACK reality comes crashing in. I woke up from a dream where Troy was so very real. In my dream, I was missing him and half awake knew he wasn't beside me so I thought I'm going to call him and for about thirty seconds as I was waking up I was ready to use my phone to call him only to be fully awakened to the reality he was gone. Immediately the tears start coming. I couldn't seem to get it together and I was supposed to be leaving for vacation. My first thoughts were I really don't want to go anymore I want to stay in bed, but knowing I can't do this so what do I know I can do oh yes pray. I fell to my knees "Lord I need you so and I'm struggling to trust. Please heal me. Restore my joy." I got up and finished getting ready and once again God was healing me. The Lord had given me peace that can only come from above. Its absolutely nothing I can do. I have such an amazing heavenly Father. The Lord is healing my heart a little more every day.
My first vacation was to TN to catch up with the Schindels (my youth pastor and his family from FL). It was a good time of fellowship and fun. Mikaela their oldest is growing up into such a sweet young woman and is now driving oh that makes me feel old since she was a baby when I was in youth group. The boys, Andrew and Caleb, are well they have a plenty of energy and personality. Andrew told me "don't touch my stomach. You will break your fingers on my rock hard abs" sounding familiar well if you knew Pastor Dave you would say just like his father;) The youngest Karis who is five is a riot as well. She told me the first night I was there (after I explained why I had Troy's ring on my necklace) that "you are not married and you need to take the rings off" She then proceeded to try and pull them off. Maybe this was my sign from Troy. I had just asked him the day before at the cemetery haha;) Such an exciting family weekend. I did however come to a very wise conclusion about showering. I grew up in a small family one brother and sister. Troy grew up with a much larger family one brother and three sisters a much different experience. Remember the last four months I have been living completely on my own. So my conclusion came when I was slightly overwhelmed to be constantly surrounded by either adults or children. No alone time EXCEPT when showering. I've always wondered why people took such long showers and this weekend while showering I finally understood it. AWWWWW peace and quiet! I say all this because it was a funny realization of why Troy took such long showers, not at all because I didn't enjoy the "organized chaos" that I was able to be a part of this weekend. It was fun to be part of the family and truly an honor to see the other side of ministry. Their entire family are such a great example of selflessness. It made me realize how much of a sacrfice our pastors and their families willing and lovingly do for their church families. Huge thank you for your testimonies!!! Also a conviction on how selfish I am on a daily basis. Another lesson God is teaching me: less of me and more of Him.
I am now back to my house and it is very, very quiet I am missing the noise;) Guess I will have to return again soon.....
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