Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Confessions of despair, but surrendered to peace.
Worked the last two days full twelve hour shifts yay. Slowly getting back into the swing of work life again. Thankfully work has gotten much better. No crying in the parking lot or on the floor which is always a plus. Last week was a very rough one for me. Saturday was a major break down. A spiral into despair. I think it started back on Sunday being Valentines day. Then Troy's dad came into town. I had a couple of days spending time with his family. I love being able to stay a part of their lives and would not trade it for anything. However; it's hard because it's so noticeable that he is not with us. I then had lunch Saturday afternoon with one of Troy's best friends, Ryan. Also love being able to hang out with his friends, but thoughts of him tend to come rushing back. To top it all off, Greenville was having a beautiful sunny day and the motorcycles were out in full force. All I could think about was this is the type of day we would go out on a bike ride. This is where the spiral downward started. My thoughts were solely focused on "I want him home now. I need him right now." I went to the cemetery later Saturday afternoon and pulled up to an open casket holding thing (don't know what they are really called) where I park. "Agh, he was buried in one of those. In the ground. No, no, no" By the way, somehow think that they should only have those open at night. It is NOT okay for grieving people to have see that. Maybe should write someone about it;) I sat down by his headstone and just sobbed. The crying started there and I could not get it together. I came home and well pretty much an emotional basket case. Oh yes, lets not forget when I got home. No power due to a car running into a power pole and the puppies that I got that week had decided to pee everywhere. So I'm sitting on the couch maybe a little on the hysterical crying side. The dogs in the crate staring at me thinking they have sent me home with a crazy lady. This is what my parents walked into. Thankfully they are amazing. They were hoping to console me. The problem was I had gone from being sad to circling the drain of depression. I sat on the couch and all I wanted was Troy home NOW please somehow please!!! My poor parents were at a loss for words. I know this is hard for them as it is and seeing me that upset heartbreaking. I know what I needed to do. Open that truth box that I have and re-direct my thoughts, but nope I was just didn't want to. I didn't feel like it. It was too much work and too hard at this moment. I deserve this because I have been through so much (these were the lies I was telling myself anyways). This has been my confession;) because by the end of the night, I was very convicted. I finally did start praying and immediately had to confess my selfishness. I have been learning a lot about what it means to be walking in the spirit. In learning this, realizing how difficult it can be. I certainly can't do it in myself. I have to let the Holy Spirit guide my life which is a constant surrender. As Paul so nicely puts it in Romans 6, my sin is crucified with Christ on the cross. So that surrender of my flesh is something I will be doing for the rest of my life. Stupid flesh. I can't wait for our glorified bodies no more sin yay:) I know that its okay to be sad. Yes, there will be days when I'm going to REALLY miss him, but those are the times I'm supposed to be turning to the only person who can make it right. After Saturday's breakdown, its so amazing to see in my life the peace God gives when I turn my eyes towards Him. I've been doing a study with my couch buddies and the verse I've added to my truth box is 2 Peter 1:2-3 "May grace and peace be multiplied to you through the knowledge of God, and of Jesus our Lord. According as His divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him, that hath called us to glory and virtue." Wow! Okay so when I need peace, God promises to multiply it through my knowledge of Him. It has been so true these last two days. When I focus my thoughts on the things I know about my God there is joy and peace. There is no way to humanly explain how this works, but I'm so thankful it does:) My God is so good. So this is my confession. One of many struggles, but thankful we have a God who can fix it:)