The last two days have me laid up on the couch being completely and totally lazy. I woke up Monday morning with a sore throat and it has progressively gotten worse. I don't feel horrible, but I don't feel like running a marathon either. I think there are hundreds of tiny little knives handled by tiny little people stabbing the inside of my throat when I swallow NOT an enjoyable experience. I'm also having a little bit of a pity party. This is the first time I've been sick since the accident. I don't like it at all. I want Troy to come home and take care of me. Spoil me a little bit. Let me lay my head on his lap while we watch tv. I have had one of those days (mostly because I've had nothing to do but lay around) thinking is this really my life? Is Troy really gone? Do I really own this house? Am I truly single again? Will I ever be able to think about Troy with out crying? Is Troy really gone? I just kept thinking that last thought over and over again. I don't know why just having one of those days thinking these last couple of months don't seem real. However; like the dream the other day reality came CRASHING in tonight by way of his motorcycle. Devon, Joey, and Brandon were so kind to come over and help finally unload the bike into my garage. I have seen it a couple of times at Jill and Devon's, but hadn't really taken the time to look at it. Tonight I did. Its definitely totalled. The thought "this was the last thing he touched while he was alive" went running through my head. I had to touch the handle bars as if maybe somehow I would feel him, but nothing other than an overwhelming sense of loss. Of course, tears came. Poor Devon, he was stuck with an emotional girl standing in a garage crying over a bike. Good thing he has a wife so he knows how we girls can break down at any moment. I thought for a long time that I wanted the bike in my garage. Tonight not so sure. It is such an in the face reminder of Troy's death.
I was reading today in Psalm 39 and David was asking "Oh Lord, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting I am. Behold, you have made my days a few handbreadths, and my life is as nothing before you. Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath!" David was wanting God to teach him how temporary life is. Troy has taught me just this and I am thankful for that. I try to always remember that life could be over in a second. What kind of testimony am I leaving behind? What have I invested in my future home? It was a good reminder for me today that God is continuing to teach me so many lessons through this heartbreaking experience. I just have to keep trusting. Troy's dad wrote me a letter a couple months back for my birthday and at the very end he tells me he can picture Troy up in heaven saying "Everything will be all right, Dad" and proceeds to tell me "Sarah, one day everything will be all right." I have that letter sitting next to my bed and constantly remind myself that one day everything will be all right again. It may or may not be on this earth, but I know that one day I will be face to face with Jesus and Troy and then everything will more than all right!