One year: Reflections

One year. 12 months. 365 days. 8,760 hours. 31,536,000 seconds. That is how long it has been since that phone call. THAT one phone call everyone dreads. The call that altered my life. Drastically changed my future. I remember the moment vividly. Standing in my living room. The phone ringing and the dreaded words "There has been an accident. Sarah, it was Troy." At that moment, I went into shock. To some extent, shock is different for everyone. I equate shock to numbness. I went numb. Don't misunderstand, I have grieved. As you can see from this blog or facebook, I have moments when sorrow comes and tears are inevitable. However; I will borrow from a friend as she put on her blog. We have masks now we never had before. That is how I would describe life. I have a mask of numbness. Anniversaries are typically time for celebration. Birthdays, weddings, engagements... Death not so much on the celebration. I would say reflection. Reflecting on where this path has brought me. Opposite what I could have ever imagined. Rejoice in that? Yes. Rejoice in the path that led me here? Difficult to say. I try not to think about him and then again I hate that I'm forgetting him. Grief is strange. One year though, its difficult to think of anything, but him. I stood at that door of reflection, opened it, removed the mask of numbness, and stared. Looked at what would never be. I would never grow old with him. I would never have a family with him. I would never fight and make up with him. I would no longer dream about the future with him. The grand vacations or dreams would never come to be. As I walk through the door with these thoughts surrounding me, that gut wrenching heartache hits. There are no words to describe the pain. I hold his clothes as if somehow it will bring comfort. I cry, no sob while looking at his pictures of a happier time. I sit on the couch wrapped in his bike jacket. Smell the leather that's so familiarly Troy. Yet that memory, as so many others are, is also fading. I see the blood and remember he was once alive. I sit. Hoping, wishing, begging for this not to be my path. The Bible tells us to grieve with hope. I know this is true. I do have hope. I will see him again, but that doesn't take the grief away or bring the comfort I so desperately want from his arms.
I have returned from the reflecting. I have closed that door. The mask of numbness is placed back on. I try not to think about him and what could have been. The numbness is my protection. I keep it close. I know others want to talk, remember, laugh about old times. I want to forget. I don't want to forget. You see where this grief has so many degrees. I remember thinking at one month there is no possible way I can do another eleven of these. I have. Grace. Tons of grace. I dare not end the blog on this note. I have so much to be thankful for. I've been blessed beyond measure. I've been reminded the last two days of where I must remain: at the cross. The future path I can not see. It is dark and foggy. I do have light for each step though. The Word. It lights my path just enough to take the next step. I remain (especially these days) on my knees staring at the rugged cross. That love...that sacrifice...that is my hope! I may stay numb when it comes to thinking about Troy for my heart's sake. However; I do rejoice and take comfort in My Savior. I realize this may sound a bit contradictory, but the loss of your other half will never this side of heaven make complete sense to me. Hence; the varying "masks" (as my sweet friend has put it) I have at the one year mark.

Expression of grief.

As promised, trying to be more faithful in keeping track of this journey. Today probably won't be the most uplifting, but trying to keep this as honest as possible. I dreamed about Troy last night. It was one of those dreams that is so real you wake up thinking, where am I? In my dream, he was back after being gone for this year. He hadn't died like we all thought, but had been held somewhere where he couldn't get away (bit weird I know). He was so real. He couldn't stop kissing me and telling me how much he missed and loved me. We were at a house with all our friends and family. Celebrating his return. Eating ice cream. Joking. Laughing. So normal. Alarm went off. Reality hit. Tears came. Today to say the least has been a bit rough. Actually this month has been rough. I can't believe the 30th will be a whole year since I last talked to him, held his hand, didn't feel so alone, felt normal...I put my rings back on. They are my security blanket and somehow make me feel closer to him. Maybe after the one year passes, I can put them away or make something new. Just not today. Today I'm a grieving widow. Today I feel so alone. Today, I want with everything in me to be normal again with Troy. My "new" normal not the way I pictured my future. A widow at twenty-five after only thirteen short months of marriage. Most girls my age are getting married, engaged, or starting a family. Those amazingly happy moments. I buried a husband. I have a burden of grief that on days like today is too much. I have a hole in my heart and today it is gaping open. I can't see a hope for a future with no tears or happy moments that aren't almost immediately followed by the heaviness of loss.
So not the most encouraging, but truth of my thoughts walking this path chosen for me. I know that my faith is weak tonight. I know my lack of trusting in God's perfect plan is the problem. So if you read this, stop and say a little prayer for all widows that God would continue to increase our faith.

Purged to thankfulness and joy!

Wow...it has been quite some time since I've been on here and posted anything. My summer was insanely busy. After Africa, I came back and started working at a camp. So my summer was: Monday-Thursday=camp, Friday=hospital, and weekends=studying for Bible Doctrines. Being busy was a very good thing for me. I loved almost every minute of it;) Camp was an amazing experience. I learned that ministering to others is a huge part of the healing process. I had the amazing opportunity of sharing my testimony with girls each week and talking to them about living life in light of eternity. People asked me if it was hard to share my story each week. The answer is absolutely no. It's nice to share our life so others will remember Troy, but most importantly it reminds me of the amazing things God has done in my life since losing Troy. God taught me so many little lessons over the summer. He also gave me a big a "Ah-Ha" moment during a struggle of wondering if this will ever end. So this blog will be my "Ah-Ha" moment this summer, and then I will do my best to keep better track of my journey;)
Grief is a weird thing, and I know different for every one. For me, I wrestle with the loneliness of singleness again. I miss every little thing that comes with having a husband: holding hands, sitting on the couch cuddling, rolling over in bed, and it being empty, picking up the phone to hear "I love you", not worrying about the bills, on and on I could go. At the beginning of the summer when I shared my testimony, I would say I would do anything to have Troy home except give up the relationship that I have with Christ now. As the summer progressed, I was being shown that I had to let go of Troy. I honestly don't know how to put that into words. I knew he was gone, but the grief I had come to know as my constant companion somehow let me still have a part of him. In a conversation with a friend, they lovingly told me I would have to let go of this grief. This was not an easy thing. What I talk about next, know that it is still a struggle for me, but by His grace(most days) I can say the following revelations are true.
After being talked to about this, I got alone in the mountains with the Lord and meditated on John 14 and 15. I didn't want to leave the mountain without being fully surrendered in a way I had never understood I needed to be. I didn't want to leave saying the words I knew I was supposed to say. I wanted to believe. I needed to be changed. I cried. I prayed. I read. I cried some more. Prayed some more. Here is what I learned...Jesus said "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you." Okay Lord, but I do not feel peaceful. Where is it? A few verses later He says, "If ye loved me, ye would rejoice." Lord that's too much! I say I'm thankful for where you brought me, but to actually rejoice in losing Troy. I can't do that. I do love you, but Lord I can't. Help me! Next chapter Jesus says, "Every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit....Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me. I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing....These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full." This is where the Lord truly opened my eyes. He is with me and I am His child. In order to bring forth fruit, I must be purged. However; I can do nothing with out Him. So here on this mountain top, I realized I must surrender, with His help the grief in order to bear fruit. Here is the very cool thing, by being purged I have joy! Huh, you might be thinking. Allowing Him to purge my life gives way to full joy. Just as He promised! The fruit of the Spirt (love, joy, peace, longsuffering) which I long to have in my life; does not come easily. It is through purging of my will to His perfect one.
My "Ah-Ha" moment led me to change mr previous statement about Troy to the following: I thank the Lord for taking Troy home. I know this is His perfect will. I also know that there is nothing else in the world that would have brought me to my knees like losing Troy. Being on my knees is the perfect place for me to be in order to get to know my amazing Savior. I love Him, I rejoice in Troy's homegoing!

Africa's Joy

I haven't written in a while, but I do have a good excuse. I was in Africa for almost two weeks. It was a life-changing experience. I am so glad that the Lord opened that door for me. I came home appreciating everything. Especially little things like the toilet;) There were so many different things that I could talk about from this trip, but this blog is about my journey as a widow. So I'm going to focus on that part concerning Africa. Since the accident my views on heaven have been radically changed. For some reason, I had always thought of heaven as an eternal church service, clouds, mass singing....Very dreamlike. Thankfully, a good friend gave me a book that used Scripture to describe heaven. Total transformation in my Christian walk. I came to understand why Paul said "For me to live is Christ and to die is gain." For me, creation has taken on a whole new meaning. I look around on a daily basis and think my God created this. Powerful, creative, all-knowing God made this earth and He loves me. These thoughts just blow my mind. I also think when I see a beautiful scenery that this is just a glimpse of what Troy is experiencing right now. One of the most profound things in Africa for me was the views. The rolling mountains, the clear blue sky, the white clouds touching the mountain tops, the untouched greenery....the most beautiful scenes I have ever seen and that is nothing compared to what Troy is seeing and exploring right now. I often think what new landscape he is awe struck by. If he ever thinks of me, wanting to show me what our amazing Savior has created for us. God has opened my eyes to come and appreciate the wind as a powerful example of Him in my life. It is invisible. I can't see it, but I can see the affects of it on things around me. I can feel it. These thoughts came to me one day sitting at the cemetery. I could see it in the trees and feel it, but I couldn't actually see wind. He created it and His creation is a reflection of His glory. It was a reminder that God is always with me even though I can't see Him. This concept of God never leaving me was most definitely emphasized on this trip. I knew it would take me out of my comfort zone as far as creature comforts, but I hadn't realized what a close support system I had created since the accident. I was with a group who had knew no idea who I was or what my life had been before the accident or even that there was an accident and I had lost my husband. It was very different for me, but in a good way. Because once again it brought me to that realization that God is more than enough. I only had one major breakdown which I consider successful in thirteen days;) It was after three days of clinic. That night I had this dawning realization I hadn't really thought about him for a while. I closed my eyes and I couldn't picture his face. The thoughts of moving on and meeting someone else had also come up. I felt horribly guilty. How could I forget and want to move on so easily? I immediately started crying. Thankfully had a place where I could get alone with God. I poured out my heart to the One who already knew this was coming. I spent a long time in prayer and reading. I was reminded once again of my need to surrender my wants to His will not mine. Reminded that this is His perfect plan. Its amazing the peace that comes when you let go and let Him have everything. As I sat there quietly resting in His peace, a small breeze came through the windows and I was reminded that God is always with me and His love is constantly surrounding me. Such an AMAZING God I serve! I'm reading Elizabeth Elliot's "A Path Through Suffering." Wonderful book and a great thing to read during this trip. The main lesson I have learned and continue to learn is death to self. God is using this suffering to grow and strengthen me. During this painful trial, I must constantly and I do mean constantly die to self. Only then will He be able to refine my life for His glory. She makes a statement "The greatest joy will have come forth out of the greatest sorrow." This is the place where God has brought me eight months after losing my husband. I have such joy in how God is working in my life to bring Him glory. Not that tears don't come, but even in those I know where to go and that He is teaching me something new in my sorrow. The trip taught me many lessons and I will use a quote to sum them up best. "But we never can prove the delights of His love until all on the alter we lay, for the favor He shows and the joy He bestows are for them who will trust and obey."

Death and Joy

After my realization last weekend of keeping God first place in my life, I heard a message on Sunday re-enforcing this thought. Seeking God with all my heart was what I took home that day. I changed my reading time. Before I turn on the TV or get on the computer, I will do my daily reading. I also started reading other devotional books. Right now reading "Secure in the Everlasting Arms." Love it! I'm trying like Paul says in Ephesians 6 "praying at all times." Constantly talking to Him. God has taught me so many things in the last couple of days. One of the most important lessons I'm learning is patience. My life has changed so dramatically. I keep wanting to know how will God use this? What is my next step? Where is this headed? The answer I've been given is "wait, be still and know that I am God." My ministry, my purpose is right here right now: to serve the Lord at my work, church, friends, and family. I can with His strength honor and glorify Him where I am every day. Laura and I have this analogy of my life. I'm in an airplane cockpit. Right now there is dark clouds every where. Occasionally a ripple of light will show through, but mostly darkness. I read this verse last night "For it is You who light my lamp; the Lord my God lightens my darkness." Another verse "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." Wow, those are some very powerful truths from my Savior. I'm clinging to them because it is so true. I am surrounded in darkness, but the light I do have comes from the Bible. The Bible is such a comfort to my hurting heart. Everything I need or could ever think to need is in this wonderful book. Don't get me wrong. I have the answer to my hurting. Even more basic, how to live my daily life. The problem is the flesh has no desire to do this. It is a constant battle to deny flesh and focus on truth. Tonight was prime example. I was sitting on the couch. Just finished reading and the thought crossed my mind "I want some bubble gum." Well, there is no one here to get it, but me. Okay, Troy, just for the record missing you tonight;) So got in my car. I'm driving along call my good friend Jill. She answers and we talk for a minute. She says they have friends over. I jokingly say "thanks for the invite." She replies "oh you are more than welcome, but its all couples and I didn't think you would want to," Okay (breathe) so in my head I know this is fine. She is right, but that reality of "oh yes I'm not a couple" is sinking in. That little tickle in my throat started. I quickly say "Yes, yes I'm fine. Call me later. Have fun." Tickle going a little higher and my pity party begins. I'm all alone and I have no one to get me gum.(whine) So I call my couch buddy, Laura, because she can commiserate with the whole single thing. Of course, she doesn't answer in my major time of crisis. So I'm crying while driving(super safe I know) and I say "Lord, there is no one else to talk to. So I'm talking to You which is what You really wanted all along. I'm complaining and whining. I know this is wrong, but this is not fair. I don't want to be single. I want someone to go get my gum oh and also yesterday was cinco de mayo and I want a margarita. I know that drinking won't help and neither is my whining right now, but Lord I'm sad" As all this is coming out of my mouth, I'm reminded of what I've been learning this weekend. Truth time. Stop thoughts NOW. Die to self. Focus on what is true and right. This life is not about me, but loving God and others with my whole heart. My favorite verse right now is "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." So reminded the Lord has a plan and right now I'm to serve others and bring glory to His name. The peace and joy that have been slightly lacking the last two weeks are back now. I have truly realized how important spending time with Him is. The Christian life is not easy, but the rewards being stored in heaven are so worth it. Even more importantly my Savior saying, "Well done thou good and faithful servant." I want so badly to hear those words. Conclusion of this little update: daily surrender/death to me and follow Him on a day to day basis. This lesson will be an ongoing one I know;) When He is first, I have joy and peace even in trials. The best part of this trial is He is making me more like His Son. How could I ever question that....

Despair to Desperation.

I haven't written in a couple of weeks. Honestly I've been seriously struggling. I remember thinking..."How can people say six to nine months is harder?" "I know, I have to have gone through the hardest part." "Plus, I have grown so much spiritually those specific months should not make much of a difference." NOPE! So very wrong. It actually feels harder today then four or five months ago. The reality of my "new normal" keeps hitting me over and over again. The sadness feels like it is smothering me. I can run no where that this heartbreak won't follow. Every time I wake up, go to work, drive in the car, hang out with friends, EVERYTHING I do has this sense of despair/loss hanging around me. The last two weeks have been particularly hard. I think I've cried more these past days than I did the whole month of March. I can't seem to focus my thoughts on truth. No, that isn't even it because I know the truth. I can't seem to trust in them. I haven't been spending as much time in the Word. Doing just the bare minimum. I haven't felt like it. God has felt so far away. I haven't had the energy to pursue Him.

Today, was by far one of the worst. It started off okay. Woke up and got ready. Went to lunch with a friend and talked about Uganda. The day was just rolling along. Then got home and it HIT. What you ask? Really I don't know other than uncontrollable crying. I went into the spare bedroom where Troy's stuff is. Laid on the bed and lost it. Heart wrenching sobs of this reality: He is not coming back and it will most likely be a very long time till I see him again. Where everyone else my age is getting married and having kids. I'm dealing with exact opposite of those happy events. I have really struggled with "this is not fair" and "I'm done. I can NOT do this anymore." I laid in bed crying and crying then finally crying out to God "Where are you? I quit. Do you hear me? I quit. I can't feel this pain anymore. Please take me home too. This is too hard. I can't feel that peace and joy right now. I don't want this path anymore. I hurt. This hurts so much. Too much. Do you hear me?" I finally made it up off the bed and opened the word. What came next, was not this magical moment when everything just disappeared and I knew I could go on. No, what came next was me falling on my knees begging for forgiveness. I came to the startling realization I did not have God first in my life. Some where over the last couple weeks, He went from first to being replaced by yours truly as first. I had let my time with Him slip into a routine. Not something I desperately needed. So He brought me to desperately needing Him. I needed this. To see how easy it is for me to replace Him and to be reminded His strength is made perfect in my weakness. I am still struggling tonight to not cry at the drop of a hat. Every time I feel my emotions raging up, I HAVE to discipline my mind to think on truth. This is not something that is coming easy for me, but I must. These are some of the things that I have been reminded of today and am clinging to with everything I have. His grace is sufficient and I'm begging for it right now. I'm His child and there is NO one who can pluck me out of His hand. He knows exactly how I'm feeling and is holding me in His arms. He is always up to something good in my life: plans for me to prosper. Most importantly, again focused on the cross. His sacrifice demonstrates His amazing, selfless love. How can I question that same God could have made a mistake in this situation. I have peace tonight and my focus has returned heavenward. I am here for a purpose to serve my Father and bring Him glory. This is my prayer....

Reminder of purpose.

Had a very busy at work today and to be honest had a hard time staying positive. Dreamed about Troy again last night. Seems to be happening quite frequently these days. Its good and bad. Good because in my dream it feels so real. I love being with him, but then I have to wake up. The smack of reality hits and he isn't here. The last couple weeks I have had a harder time keeping my eyes focused upward. I miss him more than words can describe. As the days and weeks and now months have passed that hole seems to be growing bigger. I miss him more today than I did yesterday and yesterday more than the day before that and on and on. You get the picture. I feel more alone now. Don't get me wrong have a great support system. Amazing friends and family, but no one can take the place of Troy. No one knows exactly what I'm feeling or what every day is like with out him. Lonely. I also miss having my husband. Being married I knew Troy always loved me. Even with our ups and downs he always told me he loved me. I always felt beautiful with him. He made sure I knew that when I said "ugh feeling fat or blah" I had lost my mind because he thought I was gorgeous. I miss feeling that security having my husband gave. Now there isn't that person to tell me I love you or you look pretty today. Again lonely. I came home today and went into the spare bedroom where his stuff is. I got his bike jacket that he wore every day the last being the day of the accident and just put my face in it to smell the leather. I wanted to so badly to remember how it felt when he came home wearing that. I just sat there and sobbed. Usually when I cry I talk to him or pray, but not today. Just sobbed holding on to his jacket. Then sat up and wrapped the arms of the jacket around me as if somehow it would feel like he was holding me. I am so looking forward to the day when my sorrow is gone and my tears are wiped away. I have a hard time with thoughts of being here. Please don't get me wrong not suicidal. Just thoughts of "Lord, how much longer till it's my time to come home?" or "when are you coming back?" I had read a while back this passage, but was reminded Sunday of the story of the demon possessed man. Jesus came and cast out the demons and he was in his right mind sitting with Jesus learning from Him. The time came for Jesus to continue on and the man begged to continue following and learning. Jesus response was "Return to your home, and declare how much God has done for you." I very much needed this reminder. God has given me this amazing opportunity to share how much He has done for me. One day He will wipe away my tears and oh how I long to hear from Him "well done thou good and faithful servant." That however, is not today. Today, I'm to tell of His amazing love and sufficient grace. Which is exactly how my night is ending. My tears from earlier are dried. The pain is still there, but the peace that passeth all understanding has been given and for that I praise my heavenly Father. Once again, I'm experiencing His grace in my weakness. I love my Savior so! Now off to read some more and spend time talking to the One who truly does understand each and every emotion I'm feeling these days....