Friday, July 8, 2011

Long overdue update!

Wow, I've slacked on keeping up on this blog.  I would blame lack of time, which would be partly true, but really just an excuse.  I'm sure at some point I could have found the time to write about this journey.  I just passed the twenty-one month mark.  I can hardly believe two years is around the corner.  This will not be long although it should because so much has happened since I last wrote.  This is just an update and hopefully a small step into writing again.  I was reading back, and this has been a great way to keep track of this journey. 

Mini update: Finished first year of graduate school.  Spent two weeks in Israel and Jordan (definitely should have blogged about that AMAZING trip).  Now working at camp again.

So what is life like these days...that's a loaded question.  I hate, hate, hate the idea of moving on, but I guess that is part of living life without that person.  So in the "new normal" of life....I sold his motorcycle.  That was huge! Tears came, but also relief in finally making a decision.  I no longer wear his ring everyday.  It is my security blanket, and comes on and off dependent on my level of grief.  I don't look at pictures very often.    The cemetery visits are only occasional now.  I don't always realize it's the 30th each month.  I don't cry every day, or even every other day.  I can go over a week now without tears yay!  I think less and less of what life could be if he were still here.  I can on a rare occasion watch a romantic movie again.  However; tears do usually follow so not my first choice.  At 5 o'clock every day, I no longer think he should be walking through the door finally home from work.  I don't lose it when I hear or see a motorcycle.  I've been to a wedding, and survived to tell of it ;)  Random things I realize, but all parts of this learning a "new normal."

The lessons God has been teaching me would seriously take all night to type up.  So basics are faith and patience.  My truth box has turned into a real idea!  I have a box now, and am constantly writing down truths He is teaching me.  A little back drop to what the Lord is doing now.... The second semester of school was a little bit of just coasting through life.  Being my independent self ;) unsure of the future, and worrying that God was done working.  My time with Him was daily, but not very productive.  Fears and independence were rearing their ugly head in my life.  Thankfully God hasn't allowed me to stay there.  So these days I'm mediating on He is walking right with me through this trial.  "Fear Not!"  He will not forsake me!  Thank goodness since this is one rough journey.  These past few weeks have been quite a struggle of realizing how much I know truth, but do I believe.  No matter what the circumstances do I believe God is who He says He is and will do what He promises?  God has been stretching/testing me in walking by faith not sight.  Many tearful nights, crying out what are you doing???  He is teaching me trust and wait patiently.  Not my strengths!  Good thing He is patient ;)  These difficult lessons have drawn me closer to Him, and that is worth every tear and every second of wondering about the unknown future.  I've been driven to His Word and to my knees.  Doubt and worry are being cast aside as I see the many promises He has given me.

So not the longest or most in depth about this journey, but a mini update of the last several months.

No comments:

Post a Comment