Reminder of purpose.

Had a very busy at work today and to be honest had a hard time staying positive. Dreamed about Troy again last night. Seems to be happening quite frequently these days. Its good and bad. Good because in my dream it feels so real. I love being with him, but then I have to wake up. The smack of reality hits and he isn't here. The last couple weeks I have had a harder time keeping my eyes focused upward. I miss him more than words can describe. As the days and weeks and now months have passed that hole seems to be growing bigger. I miss him more today than I did yesterday and yesterday more than the day before that and on and on. You get the picture. I feel more alone now. Don't get me wrong have a great support system. Amazing friends and family, but no one can take the place of Troy. No one knows exactly what I'm feeling or what every day is like with out him. Lonely. I also miss having my husband. Being married I knew Troy always loved me. Even with our ups and downs he always told me he loved me. I always felt beautiful with him. He made sure I knew that when I said "ugh feeling fat or blah" I had lost my mind because he thought I was gorgeous. I miss feeling that security having my husband gave. Now there isn't that person to tell me I love you or you look pretty today. Again lonely. I came home today and went into the spare bedroom where his stuff is. I got his bike jacket that he wore every day the last being the day of the accident and just put my face in it to smell the leather. I wanted to so badly to remember how it felt when he came home wearing that. I just sat there and sobbed. Usually when I cry I talk to him or pray, but not today. Just sobbed holding on to his jacket. Then sat up and wrapped the arms of the jacket around me as if somehow it would feel like he was holding me. I am so looking forward to the day when my sorrow is gone and my tears are wiped away. I have a hard time with thoughts of being here. Please don't get me wrong not suicidal. Just thoughts of "Lord, how much longer till it's my time to come home?" or "when are you coming back?" I had read a while back this passage, but was reminded Sunday of the story of the demon possessed man. Jesus came and cast out the demons and he was in his right mind sitting with Jesus learning from Him. The time came for Jesus to continue on and the man begged to continue following and learning. Jesus response was "Return to your home, and declare how much God has done for you." I very much needed this reminder. God has given me this amazing opportunity to share how much He has done for me. One day He will wipe away my tears and oh how I long to hear from Him "well done thou good and faithful servant." That however, is not today. Today, I'm to tell of His amazing love and sufficient grace. Which is exactly how my night is ending. My tears from earlier are dried. The pain is still there, but the peace that passeth all understanding has been given and for that I praise my heavenly Father. Once again, I'm experiencing His grace in my weakness. I love my Savior so! Now off to read some more and spend time talking to the One who truly does understand each and every emotion I'm feeling these days....

Dream and a new emotion.

Spent some time at the cemetery today. Not exactly how I pictured my future. I dreamed about Troy last night. I knew in my dream that I was dreaming so I was savoring every moment. Every kiss meant so much and holding his hand was wonderful. I couldn't get enough of him. I wanted every second to be next to him. I had so much I wanted to talk about with him. Everything was perfect. Needless to say I didn't want to wake up, but I did. Reality hit and I started crying. Yes, not the most enjoyable way to wake up. So this afternoon went to the cemetery to talk to him. I know he is not there, but for me it's the closest I can get to him. It brings a little bit of comfort. We had a nice one-sided conversation;) Oh, for the day when I will be able to hear his voice again. Can't wait!!! Today, however; is not that day. So once again, I must open my truth box and re-direct my thoughts towards my Savior. I'm learning a lot about life being a marathon not a sprint. Its a difficult thought knowing that when it comes to Troy I will always be sad knowing I can't talk to him and that he is gone. Overwhelming! The crying seems to be happening a bit more these days. Not for long, but somehow almost every day I cry about something to do with him. I'm so thankful I know truth. I can't imagine how much more difficult this would be without it. I also feel a little bit guilty. Let me attempt to explain that. I know logically it makes no sense, but I feel like maybe I shouldn't still be crying. It has been six months. I feel bad bringing up my sadness about him. Like people are sick of me talking about it. I don't want to make people feel bad, but sometimes need to express what I'm thinking or feeling. Afterwards, I think maybe they are tired of hearing it. I don't want to sound like a broken record. I know other people are going through things in life. My loss is not greater or more important than others. This might not make a lot of sense, but something I'm struggling with in this thing we call grieving. On a brighter note, I'm going to Uganda in less than a month. I'm very excited about this trip. Scared out of my mind, but excited. Its a medical mission trip and I can't wait to see what the Lord has planned for me and those we will be ministering to. It is amazing to look back on the last six months and see how far God has brought me. His love and grace blows my mind. If you had told me six months ago that I would be going to Uganda or even tell me that I would be living surrendered to God with such joy and peace, I would stare at you with a look of "you have lost your mind that could NEVER happen for/to me." God does work miracles. Walking example right here:)

Random thoughts.

A lot in my life has changed over the last six months. That's pretty obvious. One of them being my random thinking. My couch buddies get to hear most of the off the wall things I come up with, but thought I would share some of them on here. I've been thinking about death a lot. Yes, I know that would seem logical sense my life was turned upside down by it, but lately its been a bit different. I was watching tv the other day. The thought this girl in this random commercial will die one day. What will this moment of fame even mean? Nothing. Everyone is going to die. Do you ever really think about that? Not morbidly, but the thought we are going to die. Every person we talk to or see will die. Why doesn't our world think about this thought more? Why don't people question more? If I was thinking the way I am right now and didn't have the answer to eternity, I would want be terrified. Why aren't people thinking about it? Its the only certain thing about this life. Why don't I share the gospel more? It's such a convicting thought. So then I go from thinking that yes I'm going to die to that moment. That moment when I open my eyes for the first time in heaven. What will it be like? What will I see? How will I feel? Will I be scared, ecstatic, shocked? The thought just blows my mind. Then the thought of forever well can't wrap my head around it. I feel like six months has been forever. This is a vapor. What will it be like to see God face to face? God who is so big. He created our earth which is so tiny in this galaxy. It makes my head hurt to think of how big He is. I will come face to face with Him. I will see Jesus face to face. Will I fall on my face in worship? Will I give Him a huge hug? Will I slowly walk around in wonder or will I be running with overwheleming joy? Next thoughts go to... What is Troy doing right now? Who is he talking to? He died so young. The majority of his friends and family are still here. Does he miss us? Does he see us? How long does it feel like to him? What is he learning right now? What is he looking at right now? So these are just a few of my many random thoughts. Hope I didn't terrify anyone too much;)

Six months and the rings.

I survived the six month anniversary. It was a...well... a good day despite the bad reason we were having it. Mom and I went to the spa in the morning and that was a wonderful time of relaxation. I believe that Troy wanted me to do that;) Then afterwards I went to the rock garden where Troy proposed. It was the first time I've been back since that day. I know it was a little bit dramatic, but I figured it was the best place to take off my rings. So I stood in the middle of the bridge where he had proposed. I was crying and talking quietly to him. I know the people passing by were whispering to their children "don't talk to that crazy lady over there; keep walking" ;) I expected to be sad, but I didn't expect to feel like I was betraying him. I sat there crying telling him "I'm so sorry." "I didn't want to move on, but I needed to." (A little side note: moving on is what you say after a bad break up. Not when you lose someone. Doesn't really feel right saying that now, but there doesn't seem to be another phrase that works. So guess that is the best thing to describe the steps I'm taking these days.) "I love him and would never forget him, but I needed to do this." If I had any hope of him coming back. Any chance that he was not gone, I would wait. But I was there when he died. I held his lifeless hand. I laid on his chest and listened as there was no heartbeat. I kissed his cold lips. I know he is not coming back. So betrayal was the emotion flooding through me that day. It has been a strange feeling not wearing them. I don't like it, but again God's grace is sufficient. That night our friends and family went to the cemetery and had a time of testimony and worship. It was a beautiful thing to see how much every one's life has been changed by Troy's death. Six months. Some days seem like a lifetime. Then other days, it seems so much in my life has changed dramatically in a short period. I could stand at husband's gravestone and honestly express such thankfulness in the power of our Savior. His grace IS sufficient. His love IS overwhelming. His arms ARE upholding me. He IS all that I need.

Sad thoughts.

Tomorrow marks six months and it has been a very rough couple days. I'm struggling to keep my focus on the hope and love I've been clinging to these past months. This may not be the most positive blog, but trying to keep things honest during this journey. So here it is...I'm tired as you all know and right now getting my focus heavenward seems to be the most difficult thing to do. I just want to sit here and cry. I constantly feel on the edge of tears today, yesterday, the day before. You get the idea. Broke down crying in the middle of church twice yesterday. Cried on my way home from work. Sitting here on the couch wanting to cry. So much emotion is going through me and I'm so overwhelmed. Some days you have to choose to trust and obey. Even when you are not feeling anything, but depression. This is exactly where I am right now. I know what I'm supposed to do: read and pray. However; I don't feel like doing that. I don't want to trust. I don't want to obey. Agh! So very wrong thinking. I know even typing this that I will get off and do what I know is right because otherwise this slight hole of depression will turn into a major cavity of despair. I don't want tomorrow to happen. I don't want it to be six months that I haven't talked, seen, touched, or heard him. My heart feels broken all over again. The pain is like a part of me is being torn apart leaving me with a missing piece. A gaping hole in my heart...Okay so not the most uplifting one, but honest. Thankfully I know that God will hold me up. So going to go read now....

Exhausted emotions and my God of endurance.

The scary big six month anniversary is coming up next week and it has been a rough couple of days. People have told me that six to nine months are hard and are like the beginning grieving process all over again. Those statements were hard to hear and slightly terrifying to face. I don't know how everyone else feels around this time, but I will try and put my emotions into words. This might seem easy, but to be honest it's really hard to try and explain. However; I will do my best. One of the most noticeable emotions I feel lately is exhausted. I'm tired of crying. Who knew you could cry this much in six months. I'm tired of being alone. I hate going to bed alone and the companionship of having that special person to share everything with is gone. I'm tired of having to pay the bills alone and worry about money by myself. I'm tired of stupid things like taking the trash out or driving everywhere or just walking around by myself. Saying I miss Troy is not a strong enough word. There is a hole in my heart that doesn't feel like it will ever close and seems to re-open every time I see a couple holding hands. There is also this feeling of finality. I know I will see him again and trust me I hold to that thought every day, but we will never have the chance to live this life again. I will never be married to him again or have kids with him or sit on the couch and cuddle again. I seem to be crying more these days because the sense of loss has become so much more permanent in this life. I want my best friend back to just talk. I'm going through so much and he is the one I want so bad to talk to. Although, if he was here most of this wouldn't be happening;) I've been saying that at six months I would take off my wedding rings. I was at the cemetery on Saturday talking to Troy and realized why I'm struggling so much with this decision. I don't want to not be married to him anymore. When I take them off, its this major sign to the world "no longer married." I hate it and tears automatically follow. A broken heart is also not strong enough to describe the pain that comes with this type of loss. So I guess the best words that describe these upcoming months are exhaustive and final. However; God has been teaching me these last couple days a lot about His strength which I'm very much in need of on a daily basis. Reading through the Psalms, I've seen the strength of my God. His deliverance of His people time and time again. His amazing creation is a daily reminder of his power. "God is the strength of my heart" I read last night in Nehemiah "the joy of the Lord is your strength." My joy the last couple of days hasn't exactly been radiating through. I realized last night that my strength in this situation comes from joy in my Savior. Then I read 1 Corinthians and Paul talks about us being blameless before God because of the cross. A little side note: I just love how the Bible constantly pulls things together. I read something in the OT and then read something in the NT and it all fits. God's living word just blows my mind. So I'm learning again to remember the joy of my salvation because in that my strength for this season will be given by God. " For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus." Such encouraging statements: His word is for my endurance and hope and my God is the God of endurance and encouragement. Just the things I needed to remind me even through these next months of new emotions; He knows exactly what I need.

Lonely heart and God's love.

Finally the last two days at work we actually had patients having babies. Thank you, Lord! Its been a while since we have had a floor full of patients laboring. Which has put everyone a little on edge to say the least. Not really what I wanted to talk about, but just a little update on my life outside the grieving and growing. Last week was the opera that Todd and Tamra were in: Samson and Delilah. My mom and I went (maybe you should sit down as you read this), but I truly enjoyed it. It was such a good, emotional story of betrayal and redemption. Thank goodness for subtitles otherwise probably wouldn't have worked out well for us since it was in French. We no speak the French. So we would have had no idea what was going on. After the opera, we got special VIP privileges to go backstage to the green room because we were family ;) So standing back there with all of Troy's family and I look over to Todd and Lorna. After a very long day, Lorna wasn't feeling very well and Todd was being such a sweet husband: telling her he loved her and holding her close and well his eyes and tone of voice just radiated his love and need to make sure she was okay. As you can guess where I'm going with this, my inner struggle with jealousy was raging its ugly head. I knew I was wrong, but I missed my husband so much. I came home and prayed for forgiveness for wrong thinking. Begging God to please heal my heart and help me. I felt so alone and I missed Troy. I just wanted to feel loved and secure in his arms again. My Savior heard my prayer. I opened my Bible to do my daily reading and that night was Psalm 68. "Protector of widows is God" "Okay Lord, You are the One who is holding me tight making me feel secure. Thank you, I needed this so much tonight. I know Your will is perfect and even through my breaking heart You are protecting me" That was a wonderful truth, but the best was yet to come. The next night I'm sitting down reading through a book about God's name. The chapter I was reading was talking about the Lord being my shepherd. I read a book a while back on a shepherd's perspective on Psalm 23. The book allowed me to have a better understanding of how the shepherd/sheep relationship works. Sheep are stupid, can't take care of themselves, will easily go the wrong way, can't find good food, and on and on I could go. The basic idea is the are completely and totally dependent on their shepherd. If you see a good flock of sheep, they have a shepherd who cares. If you see sick and poor looking sheep, they have a shepherd who lacks the skills or doesn't care about the flock. Can you see how much that reflects us. We honestly can't do anything on our own. We often get distracted, go off the path, and end up stuck needing to be rescued. So this picture of sheep, I can totally relate to. I need help to get out of bed most days. Okay back to feeling pretty lonely and desperately wanting to be loved. Thinking in my head if only Troy was here I wouldn't be feeling these things and I start reading about the Lord being my Shepherd. I read John 10. The Lord used this chapter to open my eyes to how much He loves me. How important I am to Him. Just take a second and think about these thoughts: "The sheep hear His voice, and He calls His own sheep by name and leads them out" "I came that they may have life and have it abundantly" "I am the good Shepherd. The good Shepherd lays down His life for the sheep" "I am the good Shepherd. I know My own and My own know Me" "My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me." "I give them eternal life...and no one will snatch them out of My hand." Wow, even just re-reading this is so comforting. So that night when I read this, there is no way to exactly explain it other than I could actually feel my Savior's love for me; surrounding me in a way that I've never felt before. Such security is in this chapter: knowing Jesus my Shepherd knows me and I know Him and there is absolutely NOTHING that can take me out of His hand. He laid down His life for me there is no greater love that this. It seems that my missing Troy is increasing day by day, but through that God's love is shining through more and more. He loves us more than we can wrap our heads around. Such a powerful truth if we truly believe it. His love will change our lives!